I feel like people are seeing me as crazy at work when I'm not. I'm a perfectly sane person, but I feel that my personal situation can't be made public in any way. I'm there solely to go through stages of my life that I needed to go through, purely for that reason. I needed to complete certain phases of my life that I had personally abandoned before they caused future consequences, as happened with my family.

I confess that I feel like a complete fraud, a situation I myself have perpetuated by claiming to be in some kind of special condition when that's not the case. In fact, I don't know who said that or why it was made public if I said it wasn't true. I feel like others are assuming I'm something I'm not, and I'm afraid that this will have consequences for me. I feel like I'm even taking advantage of it to do things, I confess, of course, nothing that results in any irresponsibility; in fact, it allows me to express my true self. Perhaps within a certain context, it constitutes a special situation; I've never experienced anything like this before, yet it has all the same symptoms. Yes, I have to confess, I feel special, and in fact, I feel like this is the treatment I've always deserved from others. It hurts because there's someone who isn't being treated appropriately and has acted unpleasantly towards me because of it, even though I've tried to help her. However, I can't do anything for her; I've just realized that.

I wish I could treat her differently than everyone else does, but I can't, and selling myself isn't something I'm willing to do. In fact, I feel like this person wants to take advantage of my situation and my attraction to her, and that's what I'm trying to prevent at all costs. I don't want to be with this person under these conditions; I absolutely refuse to give myself to her. I find it incredibly narcissistic that she acted kindly when she was ignoring me completely and even told me, after I'd been doing this for a while, not to worry. I can't give myself over any further, because it's going to reach a point where I'll go too far, and we're at work, which is precisely what I've been trying to avoid in order to be able to engage in dialogue. However, we're already reaching the point where it's impossible for our paths to continue aligning, something that might even be beneficial for the person. Since I've been involved with this person on a deeper level, I feel like it's been a desperate attempt to prove that I feel something for them, somehow, to expose my condition, even though it's definitely present. It's been an attempt, that's how I've felt, to prove that I'm abusing it, surely as this person has. Of course, this person carries a particular condition, and in fact, they are abusing it.

I feel that there's no love whatsoever between this person and me, not in any way. Instead, there's an attempt to make me fall into the very thing they've always avoided at all costs, and it hurts to be with them. I went all the way with him just to give him the illusion that he had me in his clutches, only to then leave him immediately. I don't want to think what would have become of me if I had gone so far as to truly express my feelings, only to have it lead to some kind of generalized victimhood. I wouldn't have liked that at all.

Now, why did I have to go to this extreme with someone? I don't understand. I didn't mess with this person at all; she messed with me. I feel like she was trying every trick in the book to make me fall for her, obsessively determined to succeed. Perhaps to escape the guilt of having to be involved with me in some way, given the pressure she's under. All this time we were going our separate ways, but now, seeing what I was doing with her makes me want to run away in terror. Part of it is seeing how he takes advantage of people by manipulating their ability to confuse things and then abandoning them, keeping them out of the loop, of course, just as he does with her. More than pretending to have a romantic relationship with this character, it was about protecting my life. I didn't think I was doing that until now, because while things were happening, I was on a completely different wavelength. I thought we were involved, when in reality we weren't. Instead, we were engaged in a hidden struggle, one that no one could see but him and me.

I can't believe I'm discovering this now, and it hurts. I never imagined this would happen to me, and it makes me feel deeply disappointed, with absolutely no desire to ever see him again. I'm not even interested in hearing any explanations from him. I thought we were headed toward something beautiful, something wonderful, but no.

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