What if, instead of feeling free,you feel lost?

I don’t think I’m capable of thinking rationally. I’ve been in an almost six-year relationship, but should I stop counting? Where do I even start? I guess I should begin with the time he entertained another girl during my father’s funeral. I asked him why he did that to me, and he told me he didn’t know what he was doing. He also said that, during that day, he saw our roommate and came to his senses, sending the girl away. I find his reasons unacceptable even now.

Then, he told me that he lost the spark in our relationship. I understand, since we are human, and everyone has their own circumstances in life. Gradually, I lost it too. I started the breakup, but I couldn’t bear being away from him. After everything that happened, we talked. He cried, and I told him that we could make the relationship work again, but he said he didn’t know. We live together now, but without labels. I stopped asking if we could make it work because we’re both busy, especially since we’re in our last year of college.

Even though we’re together, I’ve gradually lost the sense of safety I once felt when I first met him. Yet, there’s still something inside me that wants to hold on to him. We’re together, but he can’t call me by name, he doesn’t express that he loves me, and he never talks about making this relationship work again. I have a plan in my mind to leave him after graduation. Why? Because I’m his only support in his chaotic world. I’ve always considered his situation. He’s still so good to me, taking care of me, cooking for me. But in the process, I’ve lost myself. I don’t know what to do anymore.

He’s my first in everything. I know some of you might laugh at how bad my choices are, but I think it’s a fierce battle between my mind and my heart that refuses to accept it.

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