what should i do w this narcissist
The story
About a year ago, I discovered my boyfriend—who isn’t diagnosed but shows strong signs of narcissism (his father is clinically diagnosed)—was masturbating to photos of his high school classmates and, heartbreakingly, to my best friend. I was devastated, but I ended up forgiving him. I was deep in trauma bonding, and he knew exactly how to manipulate me.
Throughout our relationship, the only thing that ever truly bothered me was his emotional unavailability. Besides that, he felt perfect to me—caring, attentive, and present in ways that made me believe he truly loved me. That illusion stayed intact until I stumbled across those messages in their group chat.
Last week, I caught him again. Same girls. A few new ones. Still my best friend. He’s obsessed with her style—she’s the complete opposite of me: gothic, bold, and conventionally sexy. I’m struggling right now. I feel lost, broken, showing signs of depression, and I’m undergoing lab tests for a possible autoimmune disorder.
Here’s the twist—he has no idea that I know everything. I’ve decided to keep playing the game, feeding his ego because he thrives on admiration. I do everything he wants, all while preparing to shatter his illusion. In a week, I plan to confront him with the full truth. I know he’ll panic and try to chase after me, but I’ll make it clear: if he tries anything manipulative again, I’ll expose everything—his messages, the videos, the disgusting things he and his friends have said about unsuspecting girls—on Facebook and Instagram. When I first caught him I read that his friends were scared that I would also tell their girlfriends but I didn't.
I won’t lie, I still have feelings for him. Part of me still believes he cared, that maybe there were moments of real love in our 2.5-year relationship. But this has to end.
I don’t know—does this make me the villain for planning to call him out like this? I feel stupid even writing this. He wasn’t always bad… but now I can’t unsee the truth.
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Points of view
No, thats actually disgusting and he has no right or excuse to make it any less gross or weird. Dump him! If you don't you'll just be on a longer ride of more trauma and pain. Please dump him. He doesn't deserve a girlfriend if he thinks it's okay to do that, and if he knows it wrong that makes it just so much worse. Also he probably did love you but I don't have the full story so I don't think he did. It's even more disgusting that he did that to pictures of your best friend, him being an narcissist does not excuse that kind of behavior because he still did it.
leave him and be at peace.
It sounds like you're in a really tough spot, and I totally get your feelings about wanting to call him out. Trust is crucial in any relationship, and what you've discovered DEFINITIVELY crosses some SERIOUS boundaries; it's understandable you feel betrayed. Confronting him with all the information you've gathered seems like a reasonable course of action given the circumstances. However, consider the potential consequences for yourself; it might be helpful to think about your own well-being and the kind of closure or outcome you truly want from this situation...
Whatever you decide, remember to prioritize your mental and emotional health. You deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. How are you planning to take care of yourself during this confrontation?
ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun 😐
I get that you're feeling hurt and betrayed, but I gotta say, I'm kinda doubting the whole plan to confront him just to shatter his illusion. It’s like poking a hornet's nest; I mean, "revenge is a dish best served cold," but are you sure this is the path you wanna take? 🤔 From my experience, dragging it out while acting supportive might just end up affecting your mental health even more. I remember when I found out about my ex’s lies, keeping it going just wore me out; wouldn't it be better to just rip the band-aid off? I get wanting to make a point, but wouldn't it be more freeing to move on for your own peace rather than get caught up in the drama? Just something to think about.
finding out something like that is a massive breach of trust. you're not wrong to want to confront him with the truth; seems like he really crossed the line. from my own experiences, bringing things out in the open can be really freeing. i remember when i had to deal with a dishonest friend, speaking up was hard, but it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders; sometimes you just gotta call people out for their actions. it’s tough, but staying true to yourself and not letting him manipulate you anymore sounds like a solid plan.