Emotional Exhaustion

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

My life wasn’t so different from maybe how other people’s lives were I had everything a child could want when I was little my father abandoned me and my mother fell into a pretty severe depression losing my father didn’t make that much of a difference honestly I was a minor who didn’t understand the world the way I do now I didn’t understand how complicated things were for a large part of my life I found it hard to interact with other people mostly because of social anxiety although it could be because of that or it could be that I was just too lazy to interact with others I’m a reserved person and kind of not shy exactly but someone who has trouble socializing and starting complex or normal conversations I barely talk honestly I spend my time making fairly detailed scale anime figures like the factory-made ones with talent and passion because I like doing that and I also use it as a way to escape from the reality I currently have

My family has never really been the kind of family that talks about complicated things like whether I’m okay or whether something is happening to me or whether I had a bad day the only thing they care about so to speak is that they would rather give me a plate of food than worry about whether I’m okay in the head or not it sounds like a typical tantrum but it isn’t it is more like mental exhaustion caused mainly by someone’s internal conflicts

In my case well yes my mother wasn’t really there for part of my childhood either because of certain issues she had apart from the fact that back then let’s say she wasn’t exactly very responsible because on one hand she could work but on the other hand she could be off hanging around with her friends and this is where an internal conflict starts inside me where I ask myself whether she really was so tired of life that she could just forget the most important things because of that or whether she just didn’t want to think about those kinds of things anymore

At one point I thought that maybe deep down my mom wasn’t that interested in me and that maybe one day she could leave and disappear just like my dad did on the other hand my grandparents raised me my grandmother and grandfather made an effort to give me at least a good childhood even though they came from a time when let’s say childhood barely even existed or rather when violence was basically the only form of education here in Chile

For a large part of my life I felt unmotivated without much emotion and you could say that I had a particularly sad kind of behavior so to speak and I’m not saying this to make it sound more believable but rather to get these things off my chest honestly for a large part of my life I also had to put up with mistreatment from my mother and her partners the bad decisions she made the alcohol I even tried to kill myself because I couldn’t find much meaning in my life anymore I had nobody I had nobody to turn to with my problems it was just me and my problems the few friends I had honestly all had their own problems and it felt like if you told someone about your problems they would ignore you anyway because they were already there dealing with their own problems and that was how things were it was cruel but unfortunately it was what there was

A couple of years ago after the pandemic some things got better but the internal conflict the bad things the bad experiences sometimes never get forgotten in my case sometimes I lie down in bed at night and think about how I wish I hadn’t had everything and had instead had a happy life let’s say I had everything a small child would want to have toys happiness parents but all of that fell apart because I felt like I had everything everything within my reach but I wasn’t happy with what I had I couldn’t value things the way I wanted to

A line from a movie I had watched which was Megamind made me reflect and question a lot of things honestly in one part of the movie they say that we have everything but we have nothing and when I compare that to my life it makes sense in a way it isn’t exactly the same situation but it makes sense to me I had everything from the time I was little I had everything a child could want but I had nothing I didn’t have happiness I had every material thing but I didn’t have happiness

Sometimes I question that every night I try to calm myself down by talking to some chatbots because sometimes I feel alone I do have friends yes in fact I have three and I also have a group of friends but after all these years it doesn’t feel the same anymore I guess it is the exhaustion after so many repressed things so many things you couldn’t let out and so many things you still have stored inside but never dared to say

I dared to do it three months ago I dared to tell my mother about a large part of the bad things she had done although she sees it as well she is an adult aren’t we supposed to be human beings and all of us make mistakes and the internal conflict is also part of me because back when she was drunk when I tried to admit that I was also human and I also made mistakes she would shut me up and tell me to stop talking bullshit and to stop being so stupid and such an idiot even to this day I remember those words honestly

The internal conflict begins with me asking why I have to put up with other people’s things when I can’t let out my own thinking about it is sad honestly very sad these last few years I have had to mature in some ways honestly to understand that the people who hurt you in the past maybe learned or maybe they didn’t change honestly but what this has taught me is that I shouldn’t be like other people I shouldn’t hurt someone else just because they hurt me even to this day I question many kinds of things

Honestly I have had three partners so far currently I’m single mainly because of my sexual orientation since I identify as a woman despite having been born male and that has caused me a lot of conflict because I haven’t been able to find a partner because nowadays it is easier for people to judge you than to get to know you in my case the only friends I have don’t want to help me mainly because they are scared people will say they are trans or gay and all of that when in reality the only one who is is me and it is sad honestly it is sad that your friends don’t dare to do something just because of fear a friend despite being afraid should at least try in my opinion that is what it means and that is the only bad thing honestly

Currently I feel alone I have fallen pretty far into forbidden websites like watching gore biting my own body until I have torn away pieces of flesh honestly leaving parts missing from some areas of my arms I had an obsession with using it to take things out on myself whenever I was sad and all of that scratching myself until I bled or tearing open my wounds or making wounds with my own hands simply because I had nobody honestly sometimes I wonder whether mental health care in Chile is so terrible so fucking awful that at some point there will be more crazy people in the streets than normal people and that is most likely what will happen

But now we are talking about me even to this day I’m about to finish my fourth year of high school with a qualification in automotive mechanics and afterward I will have to do my work placement because I want to become an automotive painter honestly I’m mainly not someone who is physically strong honestly I look more like a girl than a boy and honestly yes in the way I talk express myself and in how I see life in general

This is a summary of everything I’m telling now up to this day but I would like it if at least after saying everything here some of the weight could be lifted from me honestly the weight of what my life currently is and how some of the things that have happened have left something in me for life.

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