I'm really lost at the though of dying everyday
The story
I've been struggled with depression since I was in grade 3 or 4. I didn't know what "depression" is until I grew up. And now, I'm still dealing with it every single days.
So i'm currently in my final year in university, i have a lot of things to worry about included my family, my future jobs, my future life,... so i sometimes feel overwhelm. In the final year, you're usually go to a company or an office to start your internship, right? Me too, but things didn't work out like I planned. My step-dad said that he can handle this because of his "wide networks" so he can find me a good place for my internship. It was the government's office, i didn't like it at first but still accept it because it related to my major. But people at the office didn't welcome me because they saw me entering the office as a "nuisance" or "this girl is good for nothing, only rely on her dad relationship". Then they made things hard for me to get my CV accepted. So right now, I still didn't get my internship, meanwhile, all the students in my uni are starting their owns. My friends too, they talked about how cool and lively their work environment are. It made me feel embarrased and bored. Not to mention, if I don't get my internship, I'll have to re-do my class ONE MORE YEAR. And I can't graduate on time.
Also, I'm kinda lost these days. I missed all the plan I've made and rot in bed days after days. Even tho in my head, I know I should get rid of those bad hanits of mine but I just can't find the motivation for it. And my mother tended to force me on doing houseworks instead of letting me go out for fresh air. She said i have to take care of my younger brothers and the house. And whenever i do something that trigger her, she'll beat me and scream at me with harsh words. I've been like this since I was in Kintergarden🫠 well she even said "i wish you were never born to me" so yea, i'm used to it. You may think I'm weak or helpless but that's just how I deal with my life. I still live til this day, but I'm not sure I can keep up with living like this anymore.
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Points of view
seems like you're making excuses instead of taking control of the situation :)
life doesn't just hand you everything on a silver platter! you gotta work for it… even if your step-dad tried to help that's no guarantee you still gotta prove your worth in the professional world; blaming your mom for everything isn't going to help either… it's vital to create a strategic plan to secure an internship independently overcoming adversity is part of personal growth 🤔 sometimes it feels like you're stuck but action is the only way forward
I'm not making excuses. I'm sharing my story here. Maybe because I didn't wrote the full story so you misunderstood.
I work 2 part-time jobs, earn enough money to feed and take care of my own and my 2 younger brothers, and even my dogs.
About the internship, I already took care of it my own. My college offer me a good place but my step-dad and my mom keep telling me to choose the place that my dad has his hands on. They said "because it'll help you in the future and brighten our family's face". That's why I choose that place. Sometimes, you put your family's value above you, so you didn't have other choices. Beside, this place will actually help me with my career if I survive through it.
I don't get why sharing your own story here became an "excuses" to get away from life. Like, we are strangers, you canmt just assume that I'm making excuses to hide from my problems. I do take action, and I'm still doing it. Life got hard sometimes so that's why everyone (include me) just want to share it. It's like new way to dump all those negative feelings to move forward. Thank you for reading my story. Have a good day!
And if you think blaming a mother that "told her kids to unalive themselves, beat her kids , blame her kids for being born" is bad. Well, I think we have different views here. She treated me wrong all my entire childhood and until now, I have the rights to blame her for everything she did to me. But it doesn't mean that I don't love her as my mother. I still respect her. But you know, we have to make somethings clear between being a good mother or being a narcissist mother. If you look out there in the world, many kids blame their mothers for being bad toward them, but they still respect their mother. So yeah, we have opposite opinions about tus. Hope this help you understand my words that I wrote!
HypnoticBlueWoodFathomInDubrovnikWithEmbarrassment
25d agoIts ok 🩷
Life will get better you just have to fight and I believe there is light at end of every tunnel so just believe in yourself and as of mothers they are of all types some are loving some are indifferent and others have certain issues of there own but we love them because they are our moms right?
I totally feel you on this one it really sucks when everything just seems rigged against you like that 😤 when I was in school I was in a situation pretty much like yours I had people doubting me left and right and it drained me... but here’s the scoop: you’re stronger than this bs 💪 families can be a real pain! like my mom used to be on my case all the time... but you’re gonna make!!! it mark my words!! you gotta push through all these setbacks cause there's always a light at the end of the tunnel :) you know what I mean! keep grinding and show them what you’re made of 😎