With so many extreme situations

I'm somewhat frightened by the events in my town; things aren't good. There are so many disasters, and I see a movement to support the needy, but I feel like I can't be a part of it. I certainly feel like a burden to the world in general, to everyone, and the worst part is that people see my spirit as normal. I tend to help with specific things, things no one else can, and that's how it's been so far. But when it comes to general issues, I don't appear strong, but rather weak, because I can't apply a strategy that works only for me and my specific situation; everything is based on nothing more than generalities.

Recently, while writing on Facebook, I was told that one of my posts was about an 18-year-old, so I feel like I'm reaching the right audience, the segment I want to reach, which is the adolescent one, because with younger people, literature is definitely a delicate matter. In connection with the above, I want to express that I want to contribute to the world in any way I can. Offering general solutions without considering specifics, solutions that don't fit perfectly—to put it somewhat fancifully—is something I can't do because I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm hurting someone. Besides, many of these general solutions become radically imposing, and I don't feel comfortable with them.

The girl I love right now is on her own, in a place in the world I have no access to whatsoever; in fact, she's blocked me from all sides. I feel like a complete animal because I only interact with her through what the office allows, and nothing more. I can't go any further than that, and it's not advisable either, because she's keeping her life from before me, even though we've connected. There are many details I have to consider. I like it, but I confess, here, that I'd rather not.

My boss is a real scoundrel, a shameless person who lives only to point out who's undermining him, not for any other reason than because he's completely out of touch with reality. He's someone you can't explain things to because he'll act according to his ideals; I just saw it firsthand. I feel like my life is very complicated, and I wish it were different. In fact, I don't even know what will happen now with the way we live where we do, because people are scared and are turning to experts for opinions on the events we're experiencing. But even so, all I see is an uncritical eagerness to seek opinions, a desire to have some kind of leader.

The solutions being implemented these days worry me, and it bothers me that I can't share them. I can't even message the girl I love through the office group chat, since it's only for work use. The whole environment is set up for her, providing her with guidelines to follow so she doesn't act clumsily, but always taking me into account. We both want this, but we have to consider that there's already a life built, a life constructed for certain relationships. So, all that remains is the space no one occupies: the space of the everyday, where mistakes are validated because, after all, we're dealing with people who aren't in the same group or who don't have a way of relating beyond the occasional stumble. I'd like to go further, but I can't, I shouldn't. I also have my own life, and I can't abandon it. What she has doesn't convince me to leave her, but at the same time, I feel I shouldn't because of the responsibility, because this is what I've been given. With my life and hers, we can do something; that is, there's a guarantee of care. But if it's just my life or just her, then no, because they are different paths in the face of something like the presence of the other, someone who attracts me.

I don't feel like I'm doing nothing, but I confess it's for the best. I'm not on the same wavelength as everyone else; everyone's in their own world, who knows if they're even connecting, I can't see it that way. I decided my life would be tailored to me, not according to some norm. That's why I can't count on relationships of any kind, because none of them are based on individuality, only on normality. All my life I've lived running from those who normalize; I never liked them. My father was that kind of person, and my mother even more so. That's why I can't have girlfriends, friends, or anything like that. That's why my dependence can never be based on connections, but rather on a direct embrace of the structural apparatus, which in theory should be independent of every individual, but in my town, it's not like that. My life has been a struggle for that apparatus, for it to prevail, above any notion of normality. From this I can draw a conclusion, perhaps a hasty one: People manage to socialize from a baseline of normality, and they grow closer and more distant according to the differences in their norms. I always have to be doing these tests.

I always have to be doing some form of sociology, or at least sketching out what's going on. I confess I like the field, for no other reason than to make observations about laws that can help me socialize, laws that govern above any notion of normality. So far, I've managed to create effective descriptions, but I don't know if they're applicable to every human being. It's not safe ground, and I have the grave fear of always overgeneralizing. It's my biggest nightmare. My nightmare is that someone will come along and break with everything I've done; I don't know what will happen to me if that happens. Fortunately, everything is fine, but that fear is always there. In part, it's my own projection, since I'm in different circumstances, and therefore I always manage to put myself above others. My goal is the absolute eradication of the normality on which everyone bases their lives, so that there are no advantages over me, in any way, but rather that I become a completely unknown entity to them. After all, many of those I've encountered aren't interested in leaving their normality. Fortunately, what I've done allows me to respect the worst-case scenario, which I believe is what all socialization should prepare for: the one who is a stranger and shares absolutely no sense of normalcy. It is there, I think, that the capacity of any social group to cope with life becomes evident.

The best thing I can do for my community, now that I think about it, is to be critical of the situation, since I never expected such a situation under this way of life. From this perspective, I am confronting all possible scenarios, of course, which will result in a range of general observations that allow me to establish my path toward the world in any of its possibilities. I think it's fair to say that I have succeeded. I don't feel good for those who need this kind of life and cannot live it; my situation has been a matter of luck, because the opportunity was available, but many get trapped in a social situation and don't know how to get out, they have no way out. Those are the people, especially, whom I support. They don't have to make it easy for me either; they're in trouble, and offering them any leniency would be forcing them.

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