how to deal with this..????
The story
[tw..? - sh, suicide, weight concerns, etc.]
idk how to preface this, honestly, but i've recently been struggling with light sh, bad body image, and a major fallout between me and a friend thats left me basically all alone.
for some background information, i'm 15, im in my second semester of freshman year, and in a all-girls-christian-catholic school widely dominated by straight MAGA girls (as a transmasc myself).
ive decided to group all my stories into one, so if you'd like to respond to a specific one over all of them, they'll just be numbered 1-3.
1) i have a track record of generally suicidal thoughts and ideas of harming myself. these have been going on for around two years, but i've never actually acted on it besides for two summers ago and now. i've began to (lightly?) cut on my hips. i've broken the skin but its never scarred. i find my story somewhat "invalid" due to the lack of any permanent marks over the years ive thought of this. i feel increasingly more guilty for doing this, but i find it an easy way to let go of the stress i have and any other thoughts despite it not being an addiction.
2) ive always known i'm somewhat bigger than most of my peers, atleast through my eyes. from fifth grade to now, my thoughts have always been plauged with the idea of being seen as "the fat friend", due to my height and weight (5'10, 153 pounds but ive recently dropped to 134 due to intermittent fasting). all of my friends constantly try to reassure me that i'm not overweight, but i cannot believe them due to the amount of fat on my lower stomach and thighs. i don't know how to stop this self-conciousness, even if ive tried to cope with it through larger clothes or staying inside whenever i can.
3) i text one person outside of school. yes, i speak to people in school, but after 3pm i have no one to speak to until the next school day. this friend has apparently been manipulating/emotionally abusing me (through other people's words, not mine), yet i struggle to get away from them. i'm terrified of falling out of touch due to sharing my identity and struggles with them, and they are HEAVILY suicidal which makes the fear doubled. ive struggled with the lack of communication we've had lately, and the break we've established (2 weeks). i have told my father that i feel increasingly lonely, and he's told me it's my fault for not branching out and speaking to other people. i am a person who's naturally introverted and awkward, and i assume i have some sort of undiagnosed social anxiety. i also struggle with social cues such as saying too little or too much, not knowing what people mean by words or body language, and what to do in most situations. he knows this about me but still insists i reach out (which i've tried to do), and i really just don't know what to do about it.
all of these situations together have made me consider overdosing, shooting myself, or jumping (sometimes all at once and sometimes at different times), but i know that i honestly wouldn't. ive also thought about trying to cut deeper or finding different items to use. idk how to stop these thoughts, and i feel bad talking about them due to my father making a LOT of money. i also refuse to speak to an adult due to the knowledge that i cannot share too much without being sent to a mental hospital.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Hey there, sounds like you're really going through a tough time right now. I totally get that things feel pretty overwhelming, but please know that your experiences and feelings are valid!! whether or not they leave physical marks doesn't make them any less important. It's rough being in an environment where you feel out of place and alone. Maybe try journaling or finding online communities (more specialized) where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through; reaching out to someone you trust can help too!
I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly challenging, especially being in an environment where you don't feel supported or understood. I resonate with your struggle, as I've faced similar issues when I was younger: particularly the feeling of isolation and trying to navigate social situations without much guidance. It's important to remind yourself that your worth isn't determined by those around you or by how others perceive you. Have you considered exploring creative outlets like art or music? Not only can these channels help express emotions and alleviate stress, but they also offer a sense of accomplishment and self-worth that isn't tied to anyone's opinion… Additionally, it may be beneficial to establish small goals for making new connections; even online friendships can offer significant solace and understanding. Just remember, reaching out for help shows strength (not weakness!) and sometimes finding someone who listens without judgment or action can be incredibly healing…
man, i feel you on the whole "feeling like the fat friend" thing and being stuck in a place where you don't really fit; went through something similar in high school, and it's tough 😕 people always say it gets better, and honestly, with time and finding your kind of crowd or even just one solid person to vibe with, it kinda does.
I know what Im about to say may sound completely cliche but I still want you to hear it. You're body is beautiful. It is beautiful because it holds you and keeps you alive. I know that when we look in the mirror it looks like all flaws. Every artist hates their own art to an extent because they can see every mess up or thing they hate in it. But no matter your height, weight, or build.... You are beautiful. Sometimes we can work away the fat but often we cant. But the fat is designed to keep you safe. To protect vital organs and keep you going. Every body looks different and how each carries its weight is different. Im 5'6" and 170 lbs on a good day because that is how my body functions best. I want you to know that you are beautiful for who you are and taking care of your body is important. I know its hard to love your body. Especially when the doubt and fear has been there for so long. And its okay to have so much going on in your head that you dont know how to release it. Sometimes that release feels like it can only be pain. Permanent or non-permanent. It feels like the pain and marking yourself is the only way to feel without exploding. I know. I self harmed by bruising myself from the time I was 8 years old. I was terrified that if I left permanent marks I would be found out and forced to stop. Forced to believe that there was nothing wrong with me. Truth was I needed help to stop. It hurt me so badly to stop because my body and brain wanted to die when I did. And admittedly every time i stopped I tried to commit suicide. I didnt know any other way out. It took years for me to find people that I could trust with myself. Even as someone who is extroverted and loves to talk I didnt trust anyone with the truth. For me I started just like you. Putting my truth online with someone i didnt know and they didnt know me. But it was a start. And let me tell you how proud I am of you for finding somewhere to let it out. It isnt easy to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Youve spent so long trying maintain a hard shell to protect yourself. And i am so so proud of you for just letting it out. Youve been in space where youve been told you have to change yourself to fit. You are allowed to take up space. You should never have been told to put on a mask and put your feelings in box to fit in. You are uniquely you. And its messy. Being a person is messy. You are a whole human being with a messy body and messy feelings in a messy mindspace. And thats okay. By reaching out youve started to allow yourself the space you have always needed and deserved. And I am truly proud of you for that.
man, sorry you're going through all this, but honestly you gotta be careful with those coping methods. cutting doesn't solve anything long-term, trust me on that. i've been there too and it's a slippery slope that's tough to climb back from. sure, your size seems average to me, but i get it if you see things differently because of the people around you. about your friend situation—keeping someone in your life just 'cause they're your only option isn't healthy. if they’re toxic, it might be worth finding new ways to meet people who aren’t like that? have you thought about joining some kind of club or online group where you can find folks with shared interests? could help lift some of the weight off your shoulders.
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot on your plate, and the pressure must be intense. It's rough feeling isolated both at school and home, especially when reaching out seems tough due to personal struggles; please remember that your feelings are valid even if they don't leave visible scars. Maybe consider trying small social steps like joining an online group related to your interests or hobbies? it can help ease some of the loneliness gradually while being in a space where you can be yourself without so much judgment.
It appears you're enduring a challenging period in multiple aspects of your life. The isolation and the feelings stemming from your school environment must be incredibly difficult; forming connections with others who share similar experiences or values could provide some comfort. It's understandable that you’re hesitant to speak with adults, but have you considered confiding in a counselor who is experienced in these matters? They might offer strategies you’ve yet to explore for managing stress and anxiety related to body image and relationships. How are you coping with the break regarding your friend, given their influence on your emotional state?
dude, remember... "comparison is the thief of joy"! perhaps reflect on it when grappling with body image concerns or contemplating the unique path you are threading amidst societal influences.
ugh, i’m sorry you’re dealing with all this bs; being in an environment that doesn't get you is the worst! 😤 you know, it really sucks when people around us don’t see or understand our struggles just 'cause everything seems "fine" on the outside. getting caught up in everyone else's expectations and judgments can be super draining. have you thought about finding a hobby that feels true to YOU? something where you can express yourself without worrying about what others think??? sometimes having something that's entirely yours helps distract from all the noise around. keep hanging in there; you're not alone even if it totally feels like it sometimes;
dealing with all of that at once sounds incredibly overwhelming!!! being in a space where you don't feel accepted must be so draining. i can't say i've been in the exact same situation, but i've felt isolated before and it really takes a toll on you 🤔 finding someone who truly understands your experience seems crucial right now. small steps towards self-acceptance might help too; it's easy to get wrapped up in what others think. remember, you deserve to feel safe and respected. maybe establishing boundaries with that friend could ease some pressure? sometimes prioritizing your well-being means making tough decisions.
Hey, I gotta say, the mix of everything you're dealing with sounds pretty intense. But honestly? Being 15 in a place full of people who don't get you is brutal, but it won't last forever; I've been there myself. And seriously, just because your dad makes bank doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel stuck or struggle with mental stuff. Money can't buy peace of mind or true friends, ya know? 🤔 Maybe focus on finding little things that bring you even a shred of comfort… could be running, drawing, whatever gets you outta your head for a bit!
Honestly, it sounds like you're caught in a rough patch, but you gotta pull back and focus on the real issues here. The self-harm isn't something that gives you any actual relief long-term; it's just a temporary fix for stress, like using duct tape to hold together something that's already falling apart. Also, obsessing over body image is a dead end: you're 15, still growing; plus your weight seems normal for your height from a physiological perspective. Ditch the toxic friend if they’re screwing with your mind; life’s too short to be bogged down by someone else’s issues when you’ve got enough of your own 🧐
I'm genuinely sorry to hear you're going through all this. It's understandable you're feeling overwhelmed, but keep in mind that self-harm and isolation aren't solutions but responses to pain. Maybe explore alternative outlets like journaling or art (something personal yet expressive) that might alleviate some of the mental strain without causing harm. The school environment sounds really tough for you as a transmasc person; maybe there are online communities where you can connect with others who understand your situation? Building connections in spaces where you feel understood could be a game-changer. Hang in there!
Being surrounded by people who just don't get you can be insanely suffocating, especially when you're trying to figure out who you are. All these feelings can seem like a storm that's never-ending!!! While it's tempting to keep everything bottled up because of your dad's status, remember that nobody's life is perfect. Money can't fix what you're feeling inside. 🤔 Maybe try focusing on small victories? Like jotting down one positive thing each day or setting tiny goals? You might find some form of peace in these small achievements. And hey, trust yourself more; you've got strength to push through this!!!
Dealing with all this sounds seriously tough, especially being in a place that doesn't really align with who you are. But let me ask you: do you think there's anyone at school or maybe even somewhere else who might get where you're coming from? Like forming a little support network of your own could help; because navigating all these feelings and situations alone is overwhelming. As for the body image stuff, remember your body’s gonna change as you grow, so try not to be too hard on yourself; it can be hard, but maybe focus on what makes you feel good about yourself instead of just weight.
It sounds like you're juggling a lot right now, and that's no easy feat. One thing to keep in mind is that high school dynamics can be incredibly intense, but they don't define your entire life trajectory. Perhaps consider joining clubs or extracurricular activities that align with your interests: it's an excellent way to meet people outside of your typical environment who might share your values or experiences. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking things won't change, but trust me, life's more fluid than we give it credit for sometimes! 🌈
hey, gotta admit it's tough being so young and juggling all this. seems like you're in a hostile environment that doesn’t really get who you are; not easy at all 😕. self-harm isn't a solution though, and i know you said it's not an addiction, but it's risky and can spiral; maybe think about talking to someone online where it's safe? also, your weight really seems within normal range for your height, so it might be about perception more than reality here 🧐. try not to let toxic people make you feel smaller; sometimes walking away is the healthiest move even if it feels impossible;. just take things step by step!
Yo, it sounds like you're really going through a storm of emotions right now. First, I gotta say it's totally okay to feel overwhelmed given all this stuff piled on your plate. Ever thought about finding other creative outlets to express yourself? Writing or music can sometimes be a great way to vent and let out what you’re feeling without causing harm. 🤔 And regarding the social anxiety bit: that’s real tough! Have you considered maybe role-playing conversations in your head first or practicing some small talk skills online before trying them in real life? Sometimes those little things can make stepping out of your comfort zone just a bit easier.