im 17 and a guy and honestly i dont like myself at all. not in the fake sad way people post for attention either, i mean i legit look at myself and feel pissed off. every morning before school i already feel annoyed cause i know its gonna be the same stupid day again. i wake up tired, stare at my face in the mirror, and it just starts there. my hair never sits right, my skin looks like crap, my eyes always look dead, and even when i try to fix it i still look like some awkward dumbass who got dressed in the dark. then i go to school and it gets worse cause i feel weird around everybody. dudes in my class joke around like its easy, they know how to talk, how to be loud, how to not care. i stand there thinking too much about where to put my hands like some idiot. teachers talk to me like im either lazy or broken, maybe both. i got this math teacher who always says “you need to apply yourself” and i swear i wanna tell him to shut up cause maybe i would if i didnt feel like garbage every second. last week he asked me to solve something on the board and i just froze. like full blank brain. people laughed, not even loud, that worse quiet laugh where they look at each other. i went back to my seat feeling hot in the face and trying not to look like i cared, but i did care, a lot. thats the thing. everything gets stuck in my head for hours. one dumb moment and i keep replaying it all day like my brain is trying to beat the crap out of me. you ever hate yourself so much that even normal stuff feels personal. like somebody bump into you in the hall and suddenly you feel like yeah of course, even the hallway knows im a loser.

school is hell mostly because i cant stop comparing myself to everybody and i always lose. there this one dude in my grade, not even trying hard, gets good marks, girls talk to him, teachers like him, and im sitting there with a half dead pen and a backpack full of crumpled papers smelling like old lunch. i tried to do better this year, i really did. bought a notebook, made a schedule, told myself “stop being a useless piece of crap and fix it.” lasted maybe 4 days. then i missed one homework, then two, then i stopped opening the school app cause i didnt wanna see more missing work. my mom keeps asking why im “so moody” and i say im just tired, but really i dont even know how to explain this without sounding pathetic. its like i got no solid version of myself. at school im too quiet so people think im stuck up or weird. at home im angry for no reason and slam doors then feel like trash after. one time in english class we had to read our writing out loud and mine was about some random movie cause i didnt wanna say anything real. this girl behind me whispered “he always sounds like hes about to cry” and bro, that messed me up way more then it should of. i laughed like i didnt hear it, but i heard every damn word. after class i went to the bathroom and just stood in a stall doing nothing cause i knew if i looked at my face id wanna punch the mirror. i dont even have some huge tragic backstory, thats what makes me feel more stupid. nobody beat me up, nobody ruined my whole life, im just me and i cant stand me. my voice sounds annoying, my body feels wrong, my thoughts are ugly, and im sick of pretending im gonna magically become one of those chill people who just “gain confidence.” how. seriously how? people say be yourself like thats some good advice, but what if yourself is the exact problem 😒

and yeah i know some people got it worse, i know that already, so dont start with that crap. knowing other people suffer dont suddenly make me like my own face or fix the knot in my chest every time i walk into class. i hate how insecure i am. i hate how i can remember one embarassing thing from 3 years ago more clearly then anything useful for a test. i hate that i want people to like me while also wanting everybody to leave me the hell alone. my friends, if i can even call them that, make jokes and i laugh along, but half the time i go home wondering if they actually think im annoying. probably. i talk too little until i talk too much, then i replay that too. a few days ago at lunch i dropped my drink all over the floor, and it wasnt even some giant scene, but i felt my stomach drop like i wanted to disappear. i mumbled sorry to the lunch lady and she was nice about it, which somehow made it worse. when people are nice to me i dont feel better, i feel exposed, like they can tell im barely holding my crap together. i keep thinking maybe if i got better grades, or looked better, or was funnier, or stronger, or less weird, then maybe i wouldnt hate myself this much. but then i also think maybe im just built wrong from the start. thats the ugly truth. i dont like being me. not my head, not my habits, not the way i fold under pressure, not the way i act tough and then go home and overthink every stupid thing. and the worst part is i still gotta wake up tomorrow and drag this same self back to school again like im forced to carry around a person i cant stand. so yeah, thats it. i don't like myself. does anybody else feel that nasty kind of hate where you cant even escape it cause its literally your own damn head every single day.

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