Imagine

Imagine actually being really sick, and your mom doesn't believe you, always undermines it, and forces you to do things and you can't say no because you can't seem to say it, and you give up on seeking any sort of comfort from your family but then it starts to break you and the mask you always have on starts to crack so you start to get moody and isolate yourself in your room and then hope is reignited in your heart that maybe just maybe your family could notice and strive to atleast try to understand whats happening but then that hope is extinguished after all they do is get annoyed and threaten you to take the one thing that helps you handle life, your source of reading away, if you don't start "sitting with them," "smiling," "only sit in your room if you're sleeping," and "laughing and returning to normal." So you mend the mask and put it back on again. And then you really feel like you're all alone and you hate that feeling. Then the mask that you put in school also cracks, but you don't have any more hope so you don't even try to mend it. You leave it as it is and just try to survive. Because you don't have the strength to do it anymore. But miraculously, some people start asking if you're okay. But you're already too numb and don't want to believe that someone may actually want to understand again, and you don't wanna burden anyone with your problems so you don't tell any of your friends. And the people that keep asking if there's a problem you tell them just the surface. Just so they can know and stop asking questions because every time someone does, it crushes your already broken heart a little. And every time you tell someone the surface level, you are met with two things, either indifference or pity. And you don't need any of those. You don't need anything at all right now. Well, you used to need someone to just listen in the past, but that need is broken by how your attempts ended. So you start hiding behind your mask at home. And just ignoring what people think and what's happening in school. And then teachers start to notice. And they like the idiots thay are. They basically announce it to the whole class multiple times. And now all your classmates are looking at you with pity or indifference. And you hate that. Because you don't need their pity. But even though you don't care, it doesn't mean that you want the whole class to know. So you brush it off every time and ignore all the stares and questions. And now you hate going to school when you're lying in your bed sleeping, and you hate going home when you're in school, and you don't have to put that stupid mask back on. You start escaping to the nady next to your house, taking the guise that you're going to the gym. But actually, you just want to spend time alone without anyone bothering you or asking questions. You just want to just stare at the ceiling and think about your life or read and escape from your life. But then when you're there, time flies by, and you don't realise each time. And you start spending hours there. And your parents are starting to get suspicious. And you really don't want them to know because you don't know where else you can go. And you worry about how your future is gonna be like. And how your parents will react when they see your grades when they see the missings when they see that you did close to none of the hws or projects or anything this quarter. All of this because you can't seem to concentrate enough to do these tasks no matter how simple as just turning something in. All because of how you feel. And then you consider wearing the mask back on at school also. To return when it was easy for the people around you. Because clearly no one cares enough to listen and understand and even if they do, you can't bring yourself to tell them anything. Huh, maybe you even developed trust issues now. You try to do that today. You try to put the maks back on. To hide behind it again. But it's too shattered. And your true self is already close to shattering as well. And now you feel pathetic, and you feel like life has no meaning now. You miss how it was before all that. Before the pain. Before the running. Before the isolating. Before everything. And you wish will all that remains of you that you can go back to how it was. And then you see a message saying "imagine lying to your mom abt being sick," and you sit and think you wish something like that happens again. You wish you could return to the time when you told your mom you were sick just so you don't go to school and she believes you. Maybe that's payback to all the lying. Like the boy who cried wolf. You lied about being sick too many times, and now when you are sick and you feel like you're being shredded to pieces each second of each day, no one believes you anymore. And then you try to make a joke by replying to the message. But then your fingers don't stop, and you keep writing and writing until you don't know even how you gut there and don't know whether you should press send. You think you shouldn't. That's the logical part of you. But the remains of your heart, the thing you once thought destroyed, stop you whispers in your ears saying "maybe just maybe," but then you fight it back, saying it's already too late. What can they possibly do. Your shattered heart argues back by saying that you won't lose anything if you just tried. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. But you argue back by saying that they'll think you're overreacting they'll think you're pathetic, and they'll think that you're just looking for attention. And you look back at the message and laugh to yourself. You really want to cry, but you don't even remember how. You see that the message you wrote is corny and stupid. You think that you should just delete it and never think about it again. Use it to reconstruct the mask again. Hide your shattered pieces behind it. You remember the times you almost did it. You almost got freed. But you got scared. You got scared about what would happen after. And now all you wish for is that killing yourself wouldn't get you to hell.

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