IDKK, I've been really liking this person who's my friend for like 4 years now, and they're the most incredible person ever. I'm so lucky to have them in my life, and they are literally so amazing. I'm not in love, but this is like the biggest crush I've ever had, and this person was one of my first girl crushes back when I thought they were a girl. I'm biromantic ace, and they were one of the first people who helped me w the ace part since they're ace too; they still help me a lot with it.

And they kinda have this thing, and if you don't believe in this type of thing, pls don't mention it, cuz I do, and that's what matters to me in the moment. But when they touch my hand, and if they focus, they can feel exactly what I'm feeling. And that's so great because I suck at explaining things and describing what I'm feeling, and they literally felt the exact thing I was struggling to describe for years. They can do this w everyone, actually. Idk. And they actually showed me how to do it, too. I suck at it, but I love it when they teach me stuff lol. But it's so great, and I love hearing them talk. About anything tbh. They have the most stunning voice ever. I could hear them talk for hours. and sing too. They sing so well. I love their art in general, actually.

And their hug is like the best in the world. It just feels soft and magical and like ur in the clouds. And they have the prettiest freckles and eyes ever, and they like the same things as me. Like they like Heartstoppers (btw random BUT THEIR LITERALLY NICK NELSON. LIKE SAME PERSONALITY BUT MORE ARTSY AHH), and they like drawing and art and theatre and animation.

And I know they like someone else already, but they said they like girls too, so I didn't really care that much (idk y I get mostly jealous if they're liking other girls lol idk y). I was sad for like 3 days when they said their preference is guys.

Except they just told me they're straight and like a boy. They're genderfluid, so idk if they still like girls or not, tbh I didn't ask.

And I'm really grateful because this person is genuinely helping me, both consciously and unconsciously, since I wanted to be a better person for them, cuz ik I'm too immature and not emotionally in shape for a relationship, but I was trying to be better for them. And for me, too, ofc, but they were the push I needed to actually try to change for the better. And they also help me understand my feelings. I suck at understanding them, and they help me understand what I'm feeling, and it's as if they get it. Like they helped me understand that I was bi, then helped me accept it, they helped me understand how I felt about religion, they helped me understand I was ace, and they helped me understand my feelings and why I felt certain ways. They're genuinely so kind and caring. I don't NEED them, but they're such an incredible person, and I love spending time w them, and I really, really wanna date them.

And I was starting to think I had a chance because sometimes they did stuff that was kinda romantic. Like, taking me home even though their house is the other way, or like they call me pretty a lot and say stuff like, anyone who wouldn't date u is stupid, and maybe that's just something they do to everyone, but it felt like maybe something could happen? So I feel so stupid about this, too, tbh. This was the first time I thought my crush might like me back fr.

But tbh even if they did ask me out, I don't think I would be good for them, since I'm not the type of person they deserve, because they're so wonderful, and I'm not mature enough to date them. But still, I want to so bad.

And my mom knows I'm bi, but she doesn't think I am fr. And she also doesn't like labels, and she's not really asking me for help or offering any advice. She thinks I'm using the labels for attention or because my friends are queer too.

She usually asks a lot about crushes, but she hasn't asked at all about this one. Sometimes she even shut me down, like when I was sad cuz my crush told me they liked one of my best friends. Ofc i was devastated, and my mom said I didn't really like them.

She is an ally ofc, but she thinks there aren't this many queer people, and most are doing it for attention or because they're pressured to. But that's not the point. The thing is, she's like my best friend and would usually help me w this, but since she doesn't believe me or talk about it idk how to deal w this. I feel like there's a hole in my chest, and I'm kinda numb.

It's weird because I'm kind of a momma's girl, and she always helped me w this crush thing. And I kinda need my mom rn idk.

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