I know my problems are very trivial compared to others, but I don’t really have anyone I can talk to, so please just hear me out.

I’m a 17 year old girl and I’ve always done well academically. Far from perfect (As, Bs, and once I got either a C or a D) but academics was always the one thing people told me I was good at. The one thing I felt successful in.

For background, I feel like I’ve been struggling for a long time with different things but nothing is ever severe enough for me to feel like I can really reach out. So I’ve just been trying to manage whatever for all this time. I had pretty bad social anxiety in middle school which I guess never really went away. I think it’s slightly better now because I’m no longer having a panic attacks in stores and stuff but also I kind of just avoid a lot of situations.. so who knows.

I’m terrified of driving and even though I’ve got my permit, I’ve only practiced a handful of times and never went anywhere really. I also don’t have a job because I can’t drive, so I feel like a bum for that. I’ve lost 5 loved ones over the course of my life, and now another one has Alzheimer’s. So that’s all in the back of my mind too.

Anyway so my friends (I have one best friend, another close to that, and one is more of an acquaintance. But we’ve all known each other since elementary.) do good academically too and everyone except for my best friend decided to go to Early College. I was desperate to get out of high school because who wouldn’t be? I was kind of picked out to apply, and several other factors went into it so I went. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea considering I don’t really have any clue what I’m doing or what I want to do. There’s some stuff I’m intellectually interested in but I just don’t know.

I am very, very lucky to have a loving family. They have their own mental health issues and things going on but at the end of the day they do love me and want the best for me. So I feel compelled to live up to that.

Well.

I did good last semester, even though I’ve been burnt out since like October 2024, but this semester things came crashing down on my head. I don’t know how it all started but I feel like I’ve been consumed by it all. Or as though things have finally caught up to me? Kind of like I’ve been trying to drown something but my arms are so tired they’ve given out and now it’s popping up to the surface.

I’m doing horrible in my classes, (I had two As but now the grade on one of them is ruined, two Cs and one D. I’m ’trying’ to get things up like I have been all semester but I’m at the end of it.) I’m actually really interested in three of my classes so it’s not even a matter of that. The thing is, I think if I get a D or lower in one of my classes I’ll be sent back to high school. My laptop broke two months ago and we just now got it fixed (which I am so grateful for, but it was a struggle without it) and I guess the pressure of everything really got to me. I’ve felt super anxious and my time management skills feel like they’re nonexistent and things snowballed.. and now I’m here. My parents know about it now, so that’s finally out in the open.

But I guess I’m just struggling to emotionally accept that this has happened. I have literally no clue what I’m doing and everything feels so hopeless. It’s felt hopeless for a long time.

I hate the high school social environment, and my only friend that’s there will be going to Early College for the next school year so I’ll pretty much be all alone too. How am I supposed to face everyone? I’m not the only one who couldn’t do it, but still I just feel so ashamed because I really think I could’ve done it and succeeded.

I have media and things I like to do, but it’s not as if I’m involved in sports or doing literally anything outside of home, church and school. I just feel so pathetic right now. How can I be struggling so much with nothing going on? There’s literally no reason for it, externally at least. Then I feel like everyone else has these large major struggles but they’re still succeeding. Balancing all these jobs, boyfriends, messy home lives.

So I just feel inferior. Literally I have nothing else. I’m not interested in a relationship I had a “boyfriend” two years ago but like.. long story with that and literally nothing happened with that. I really am not interested in dating, but now I’m kind of excluded from my friend group since they all hang out to go on double dates and all that. Or not excluded.. like we’re still friends but I’m just not as close or involved. And now we are going to move (not schools but houses).

I don’t know. I’m just so tired. I’ve disappointed myself and everyone else about literally the only thing I had going for me. So.. I feel defeated. It’s my fault, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Maybe I just couldn’t handle the responsibility. “Good daughter” and “good student” and “good” whatever else. I feel like I’m falling behind everyone else and I don’t understand why I can’t keep up. Who am I if I don’t perform well? Where is my life going? I don’t have concrete answers to these questions.

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