yeah so..

Sorry if this feels too long for y'all. Do skip this if you don't wanna go through it all. I feel like I'm reaching out desperately for attention and warmth by people by doing this. But I'm gonna say it all anyway. I'm a victim of bullying in school. I've never been able to say it all completely word by word before until now. It all started with me falling off of my school van, and of course constant headfalls by family abuse, and developing epileptic seizures. I got heavily targeted by my school mates for this temporary disability i had. I used to eat tabs for seizures, i don't remember the name of it as my parents moderated my medications. It made me lethargic and drunk basically. I barely had any idea of what was happening around me. I was always in a daze. But everyone, took advantage of it and belittled me. Even one of my teachers. It all actually started from 3rd grade, before that i was extremely bright and a top grade student. Also started from my 3rd grade homeroom teacher. She knew i had a problem and would still make me do things i genuinely couldn't and then punish me in front of everyone, announcing everyone that I'm a "Retard", yea that's right, she used that word at me without any sense of remorse or sympathy for me. And this is how no one started respecting me. They'd steal my tiffins, my stationery, put stones in my backpack, pull my hairband and throw them in the dustbin, break stuff and then blame me for doing it because OF COURSE I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON I WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF EVERYTHING AND FELT LIKE A BURDEN. Once my "friends"... my naive ass used to think they were my friends, broke my bench partner's glasses, and blamed it all on me when i was clearly just taking a nap. They beat me in the class in front of everyone. I went and complained to my teacher about it but she did nothing ofc. I got a stray dog bite in 5th grade, and yeah... it fuelled their excuses for bullying me. I joined karate in school to kind of cope with all this, and i was surprisingly very adept at it. But yeah, i became an outcast to everyone there too, except my sensei who used to praise me for everything. 6th grade. I got bullied by my class teacher again. She'd say I'm a crybaby and can't do anything on my own, and call me smart in front of my parents. What a horrid woman. Again everyone ostracized me for that. I finally met my math teacher in 6th grade who was kind enough and understood me and validated me for my qualities. I got attached to her because it was the first time i got praised and felt loved by someone. I almost didn't want to transfer schools because of her. 8th grade scored some friends and became one of the top students again, but yeah, i had no luck in my life, they all got striped away from me at 9th grade, got stuck in an alien class, with no one i knew or no one who respected me. But then again, in 9th grade I became one of the top 10 rankers out of nowhere, all that alone studying paid off. I became the most knowledgeable person in class, which I'm proud of, but still got heavily hated and based by the people in my class. They'd ask me for notes, and then write curses on the back of my copies and give them back. I got tired of it all and asked my parents to change schools but guess what? they said "bear with it" and would ask me for advice if i should. Who in their right mind asks a kid for their opinion on this? If i suddenly caught a liking to some teacher, of course i wouldn't see the bigger picture and say no to transferring. But they thought i was "mature" enough and asked me these and now blame me when i tell them why they didn't do it all. 10th grade i was finally opening up and started to show myself despite my fear of people, but yeah. The world hates me. Welcome corona quarantine. Got sheltered again. Broke me again completely. Couldn't get myself out of the shell anymore and passed 12th like this. I kind of got adapted to the people in the place i lived in, sounds contradictory to my whole story, but yeah, it was the norm i knew. Then my parents, heartlessly, had no pinch of wellbeing for me, and transferred places. Went to the south, where people have NIGHT AND DAY differences from the north. Were nicer but sexist, i couldn't stand them, it wasn't the normal public in my eyes. I somehow managed to put a face at university for the first year and a half of the second, forcing myself to stand out and look cool, look like a well knowledgeable person, who's good at everything. But I couldn't anymore. I dropped my academics, stopped trying, but idk how i somehow miraculously completed my degree. I'm sorry for venting so much. I had to finally let all of this out for once. It's been like months since I graduated my university. I know I shouldn't let this past bother me, but it keeps haunting me every single moment of my existence. I had to let it all out, this app seemed perfect to do so. Thanks for reading till here. I just want to feel heard and seen, may it be even anonymously.

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