Feeling shadowbanned at church
The story
My fiancé and I met at church seven years ago and began seeing each other three years ago. We were both previously married and quietly separated from and divorced our previous spouses. Our separations began before we started dating and our divorces were finalized after we got together.
Due to the timing of the start of our relationship and lack of broadcasting our separations, there was a lot of that judgey church gossip surrounding us being adulterers and homewreckers.
Okay fine, we were not divorced yet and that was not a great thing for us to do. We rushed God's timing and plan and that didn't need to be.
But now that our relationship has gotten more serious (IE visible), it feels like our congregation has shadowbanned us, so to speak. We were both quite active in numerous ministries and elected positions. (You know how 80% of church work is done by 20% of the congregation? We are both in that 20%. Or at least, we'd like to be.)
Over the last year as our relationship has taken off, we have been removed from most of our committees by ways of not being elected to serve another term. With one exception, no one was elected in our places. On an informal/adhoc basis, we are not selected to participate in the worship service ahead of time. If a worship participant does not show up and there is a sudden need for someone to fill in, we are not asked and when we volunteer, we are told no that's okay, someone else will do it. Or no one does it and the service goes on without.
I am finding these actions to be punitive in nature, especially since we are in a small aging congregation where there aren't a lot of people who are able to help out. So to be informally told that no one doing this task is better than one of us doing this task is weird.
The only tasks we have held onto are the major tasks that no one has shown interest in managing instead. The food pantry is a one woman show and the online media streaming is a one man show.
It hurts me that this place we've called our religious home can take our money and our physical labor, but will not allow us to serve our church in a visible capacity anymore. He is content with having less to do, so he isn't bothered the same way I am, but he has noticed the pattern.
I would like to speak to someone at the church about this, but who? I feel like I would just be gaslit. Oh no, that isn't what's happening. We just want other people to have the chance to contribute. But the liturgist pool is 2 people less. Communion takes longer because there are fewer assistants. We use online music when we can't locate an organist or pianist in the community.
It's just. Weird. And I don't know much what to do. I am contemplating church searching after the new year and seeing if a clean slate would do us good.
Am I tripping? Am I not? Is it worth having a conversation with the pastor about? Who knows? Not me.
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Points of view
Honestly, it sounds like there's a lot going on under the surface with your church community. It's possible they're being kind of passive-aggressive about things, which ain't cool. But you know what? Sometimes a fresh start can be super refreshing. If talking to someone doesn't seem feasible or you think it might just lead nowhere, exploring other churches could open up new opportunities and connections for you. Stay positive and keep looking forward;✌️
Damn, it's wild how church folks can be some of the most judgmental out there, right?
it may be a reminder of the importance of alignment between personal values and community standards; seeking a faith community that appreciates and respects your contributions might bring both fulfillment and growth.
It seems like the church's actions are indeed quite telling, but it's disheartening that their approach lacks transparency. 😕 While it's possible they believe they're handling things delicately, sidelining dedicated members without clear communication feels unjustified!
While I understand the frustration of feeling marginalized in a community where you have given so much of your time and energy, it might be prudent to consider whether there's been a broader shift in church leadership dynamics or electoral patterns that could have inadvertently affected your positions; after all, congregational politics can sometimes resemble corporate governance with its hierarchies and decision-making processes.
I say move churches to a separate area
it really sounds like you're in a tricky spot with your church community. this whole situation seems quite frustrating, especially given how much you've both invested there over the years; perhaps talking to someone could be worthwhile to clear up any misunderstandings. just out of curiosity, how does your fiancé feel about potentially searching for a new church?
have you considered that maybe there's more to this story than meets the eye? Church communities can sometimes operate on complex dynamics where personal biases get in the way. It's not ideal, but maybe it's less about your relationship status and more about other unspoken issues within the congregation. Have you thought about directly addressing it with someone you trust there?
considering the intricate dynamics of religious communities, it seems logical that their actions are more strategic than accidental; could exploring if there's an underlying shift in doctrinal emphasis or pastoral direction be insightful?
Just an idea: maybe engaging in a constructive conversation with someone who holds influence in the church could potentially illuminate these dynamics and even pave the way for reconciliation or understanding??
maybe it's worth considering whether the church is holding onto traditional views that aren't sitting right with you anymore 🤔 finding a community that's more aligned with where you're at in your life could be a game-changer, and sometimes stepping away might help gain some clarity on what you're really looking for.
i totally get how you're feeling about being sidelined like that; it's gotta be tough especially when you've put so much of yourself into the church. 😔 but maybe there's another layer to all this, like internal politics or power dynamics? i once saw something similar happen in my own community group where certain folks were just "quietly" pushed out because the group was trying to appeal to a different demographic'; no one really talked about it openly, but actions spoke louder than words. have you thought about hosting a small, informal gathering with some trusted church members to just chat about what everyone's noticing?? maybe getting a few perspectives could help clarify things for you before making any big decisions;
Man, that situation sounds like a major bummer. Being on the receiving end of that kind of treatment from a place you’ve poured your heart and soul into is rough 😕 I get why you’re feeling sidelined, but I've gotta ask: do you think it might be worth sticking around to try and change things from the inside? Sometimes these places are just like family – they're complicated and messy, but sometimes they come around if someone’s willing to push for change. Or maybe this could be an opportunity to take a step back and focus on parts of your life outside the church; sometimes a break can give clarity. Just throwing ideas out there, though: only you really know what's best for your own peace of mind!
Honestly, it sounds like y'all are dealing with some petty church drama, and maybe finding a new congregation isn't the worst idea 🤷♂️.
While your experiences with the congregation seem disheartening and might signal a broader issue within the church's leadership structure, could it be possible that your perception of being 'shadowbanned' is somewhat influenced by a heightened sensitivity to the situation given both of your past experiences and current relationships?
It appears that the issue you're experiencing is quite multifaceted and involves a blend of personal experience with internal church politics. It might be prudent to appraise whether this community still aligns with your core values and spiritual objectives. Transitioning to a different congregation could offer you the opportunity to contribute more meaningfully without past judgments clouding your present efforts. However, if you decide to address it within the current community, it's essential to approach the conversation with tact and an openness to understanding their perspective as well.
Seriously, it sounds like the church is throwing shade your way just 'cause you moved faster than they wanted; maybe they're stuck in old-school ways and can't see past it. No doubt it's painful to feel unappreciated where you've invested so much time and effort. But hey, how about turning the tables and using this chance to reflect on what YOU really want from your spiritual journey? Forget their judgments; focus on finding a place that truly vibes with you both. 🤔 Sometimes starting fresh is the best way to shake off those outdated stigmas.