I struggle to belong where I wanted

Personally, at this point, I'm not interested in my boss, his ideals, his principles, or anything like that. I don't care, I shouldn't care, and I never should have. I should never have trusted him in the first place, or taken a chance on him; that was a huge mistake. Encountering such a reckless, rule-breaker, chameleon-like person is something I can't allow myself to do again. Who does this guy think he is, playing with my life as he pleases? I'm sorry, but he doesn't interfere in my spaces, on my turf, and for his image, honestly, I don't have to stand out. I do it because of the law, whether he likes it or not, and it was quite a fight because for him, the point was to make himself look good, to make him look good at all costs, when I was acting in my own best interest, defending my principles, as I should too. I wasn't in a group to avoid confronting others' doubts; quite the opposite, it's about confronting them. That's why I don't want to anymore, because those people are incapable, from any perspective, of taking responsibility for those around them. The issue boils down to his principles and mine before the collective, so that these are what prevail. That's why I gave my best tool, I was the one who made the best judgment. If we're going to play with popularity to see who comes out on top, unfortunately, empathy no longer exists because one is essentially focused on the collective, not on the other. My boss wanted to go down that road, so, well, if that's how he wanted to play the game, then I went for it. He wanted to act in isolation from the office, while I, on the other hand, acted in the best interests of the company, in the best interests of each individual. You're there to be with everyone, not to stage a show of support; that's not the spirit. That's definitely an attack on the company, and that's what I got, because they forgot that they're part of it, that they also have to be mindful of its consequences. I had to get out of there.

What a drag to write. Luckily, I'm holding on; I've discovered I can hold on. But I feel an inertia, well, not a desire to do anything, but a headache that expresses the need to process the thousand angers in my head, to form thoughts that give concrete form to everything I went through in that environment. I'm constantly digging and digging to see how far I can go, always discovering a variety of new things. I expose myself to experiences in order to make the most of everything, to extract as much knowledge as possible. I am tired of going out, though, because I feel like the town's services are on one side and I'm on the other. The town's services don't work well anywhere, and devices have such short battery lives. I always have to worry about the battery when I'm writing or using apps, and it's stressful because without devices, you're isolated from the world, and that's a problem. It's not just the devices themselves, but being connected to the world. This isolation from the world, which is actually from everyone thanks to the internet, isn't pleasant. I admit it's not something I can stand. Well, I can live with it for a while, and I think that's okay because I depend on my own resources, but beyond that, it's impossible. It would be like going insane. Everything is expensive, prices are rising, I worry about my salary, about my life, because I don't know how long I'll receive family support. At any moment my family could leave and I could be left destitute, completely forgotten about my life, unable to live it, and I don't want that. For some time now I've felt the will to move forward, not to wait for that to happen and succumb to the drastic shock. I'm thinking about achieving some tolerance in this regard, on my own. I think about leaving my friend at the office, since I've already done what I had to do with her, leaving her in good shape, but that's not the idea either, to leave her alone. The idea is to continue together, to remain a group, to keep getting together, sharing those moments of touching that vulnerable part of us, which isn't even sexually attractive, but rather that which is unseen and where scenarios of great pain materialize. They are exposed and ignored; it's there where we feel, it's there where we feel we can communicate, because our bodies express that feeling and we express that appreciation, that warmth, that rich and meaningful connection between us. However, I don't think this is a reason to do it, but a part of me says yes. I feel that I start from her to live the rest of my life the way I like. I feel that because of her I have a reason to fight, to grow, to sustain myself, to do pleasant things, to care for others, so that it is valued in some way, from that intimate, pleasant thing, from that inspiration that I see being planted in her. She is very special to me and I can't leave her, and that's why I can't leave my life either. I love her so much.

I don't know if my boss has ever told my friend that I love her; she's a very funny person, her boss. There are many things to think about. Recently, I was out and about, and it was so hard to write because I felt like I had to keep an eye on the battery, the internet connection, everything, just to be able to do what I wanted calmly. I'm no longer calm where I'm going; I don't live in that state. I feel like I want to express things that that calm space allows me to, but I struggle more to be there, creating that "being" which isn't the point. I feel like the people aren't supporting me in that sense. I want to talk about government, about the State, about reflecting calmly, about sowing my seeds, but I'm finding myself in difficulties. I feel like I can achieve a lot, but at the cost of a lot of effort, and it makes me feel like it's not worth going there to write, to think, to research, to study, to meditate, etc., etc. That's exactly how I feel about the office, and that's why I want to leave. I feel like I have to focus on a job that definitely doesn't contribute anything to my development. Even the conversations aren't good; the work doesn't offer me anything educational. I only see conflicts, contempt for people, contempt for the world, and disorder. Well, I learn something from it, but that's not the point. The point is to gain some training, some added value from the company's product, and that's the last thing I find. I don't feel like I have the opportunity to be curious or ask questions because the goal isn't the education of others, but rather simplistic, bitter, indecent conversations, devoid of rich conclusions or learning. There's nothing more to add. Curiosity isn't well-received because there's a fear that I'll stray from the norm, and reading is seen as something uninspiring, something that won't break the mold. What a bitter place this office is; I have no desire to go there. Even reading is problematic in the places I like to go. I don't feel at peace anywhere; I even have to fight for my space because I feel like I have no space at all. I feel like I have no rules other than those of the law itself, which is often ignored. I kicked my boss in the butt out of a sad respect for hierarchy, and that was it. He was lectured about it, which made me take things to the extreme. My boss, pretending otherwise after the tragedies in my country, took it as a violation of his principles: he cares about the company, and he didn't appreciate it at all. Naturally, I cut him out of my life. With my friend, who's where all this mess started, I felt valued, as did her group and the rest of the office. The thing is very simple: The office doesn't belong to them, I don't belong to them, I'm not part of them; I belong to the company. But it seems they took it as if I wanted to escape, as if I were deliberately abandoning them according to the rules, according to that same slip-up, like my boss used to do. And now I understand why they treated me with the reprisals he always felt I deserved.

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