A Hopeless Couple's Drama
The story
TL;DR: Jess and James have been together a little over 1.5 years and argue weekly. Their arguments always have the same root cause of poor communication and I am frustrated with how they get third parties (like a parent) to help solve their problems. (Bonus rant at the bottom)
Context: Let's go with the names Jess for the girlfriend and James for the boyfriend. I am James' older brother's girlfriend. We're all college kids. Jess and James have been dating a little over 1.5 years. They will be together for 2 years this upcoming fall. This will be James' first real long-term relationship. Jess has a chronic health condition that she recently got a temporary, but long-term treatment for. James lives closer to the parent's home and can visit more frequently. James also used to be a super intense guy who was irrational, but after he got on a different kind of medication and got older, he has mellowed out so much.
The Problem: I don't know what is with these two, but every time they come home (either for a hospital visit, holiday, or just visiting the family), there is an 90 to 95% chance that they will argue, and if not that day, give them a couple days and something will blow up. And when I say argue, I don't mean a "What do you want to eat" kind of argument; I mean a full blown, super emotional and intense kind of argument where James is yelling and Jess is crying and sometimes yelling. The worst part is, a lot of these arguments happen late at night and because it is so late, a lot of the times, the dad is mediating/intervening, whatever you want to call it.
But because of how often the dad intervenes, I think Jess got so comfortable that she sometimes seeks the dad to solve their problem. I say this because recently they came home and got into an argument, Jess asked me where the dad was. I really didn't want to answer because the dad is gets pulled in so many directions already and I want him to take care of himself more, but also that in the future she will involve me more, but I did anyway.
I also want to mention that I am only at the parent's place for holidays and summers. But from what I know, this happens frequently throughout the school year and not only at my boyfriend's parent's house, but I also got word from Jess' mom that they argue at her place too.
This has been an ongoing issue since day one. They argue multiple times in a month and possibly multiple times in a week (in worse cases they argue multiple times in a day). I am so sick of hearing them argue whenever they come home that I some times wish they don't. To double down, their argument has always been the same issue. At least the same root issue; James does not like how Jess communicates (or a lack of) with him because it sounds like she isn't actually listening to him. It has always been the same problem, just different spices.
I just want to know how often does a normal healthy couple argue? And especially if it's the same problem because these two are the most dysfunctional couple I have ever met.
Bonus Rant: I was ok with Jess before because she seemed mature back then, but now I am just annoyed with her. My boyfriend wants a close relationship with James and they both bond through video games, but I cannot tell you how many times Jess has sabotaged their time together. They plan to play together on a day and then James gets a call from Jess, "Can you please come over?" and if James tries to explain to her that he set aside time for my boyfriend she just begs him. There was a day where she texted my boyfriend something along the lines of: "Hey, James wanted me to text you that he won't be on tonight because I begged him to stay the night lol" and when my boyfriend showed me that, I was so angry.
Just recently my boyfriend and I got party game to play with James. Jess called him, and he said "Hey, I'm playing with them, and I'm going to win this game" joking and having fun. Jess seemed disinterested and just said "ok, I love you". No joke, like 2 minutes later she calls James, asking him to get his dad because her head hurt. James said that his dad may be asleep and she was quick to say he isn't because he just texted her. Then James was like, why don't you call him, and she just said "Please go get him".
Like I don't want to disregard her condition because I know it is very real, but sometimes I feel like she uses her condition as a crutch for her stupid behavior. And also, if you are already texting, there is no problem to just call the man yourself. Her condition isn't bad enough that she can't talk, move, or do things for herself, because I have seen her talk for hours, I have seen her be active, and I have seen her do stuff around by herself when James is not around. I don't know what her problem is with James gaming with his brother, but if it is jealousy, it is a nasty one.
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Points of view
sounds like Jess and James are on a merry-go-round of drama, and it's spinning outta control 😬. Seriously, it's wild for them to keep having the same blow-ups, and drag other people into the mess when they should be working on their communication skills together; why are they making their problems everyone else's problem? It's like they've forgotten that relationships need more than just arguing and then hitting the replay button on the same old issues.
And about Jess, if she's really using her condition to keep James from gaming with his bro, that's not cool. "Hey, James wanted me to text you"—seriously? It's pretty rich for her to hijack his time like that. If her condition isn't bad enough to stop her from doing her own thing when James isn't around, then using it to meddle in his activities seems questionable at best. Maybe instead of looking for her own personal crisis mediator, she should focus on finding ways to talk things out with James that don't involve midnight shouting matches. Get it together, folks.
Ugh, you're absolutely spot on with your frustration about Jess and James!!! Their constant bickering and dragging others into it sounds exhausting 😩. I've seen couples like that, where it feels like they’re addicted to the drama instead of solving the actual problem; it's like they can't see the forest for the trees. Communication breakdowns really are relationship killers.
I totally get why you’re fed up with Jess interrupting game time with your boyfriend and James—she should respect that time! Everyone needs some downtime, and those gaming sessions sound like they’re important for brotherly bonding. I’ve been in situations where friends overstep like that, and it’s beyond frustrating. Hopefully, they figure out how to communicate better and stop making everything into a Shakespearean tragedy. Here’s hoping things improve soon!!!
man, I feel like you're maybe being a bit harsh on Jess and James 🤔. sure, their constant arguments are a major drag, but maybe they're just learning how to handle a long-term relationship; it's not easy, especially when you're young and dealing with additional stress factors like health issues. I've been there, where everyone thinks you're just addicted to arguing, but sometimes it's about figuring out who you are as a couple.
and the whole gaming thing with James—yeah, it sucks when plans get messed up, but relationships sometimes call for being flexible, right? I've had friends ditch plans because of their partners, and while annoying, it happens. maybe Jess really needs the support, and James just hasn't nailed the balance yet. don't get too worked up; they'll either grow and learn together, or they'll figure out they're not right for each other. either way, there's hope for some peace, eventually!!!
I totally understand your point of view, and yeah I do think I am harsh on them. But I want to say this before I continue: I think they are good people but not good partners, at least not for each other. The first reason why it is so visceral for me is because every time I am at my boyfriend's house and they come home, the whole living room, kitchen, and occasionally upstairs (Where the bedrooms are at) or the basement turns into a warzone. And it has gotten so repetitive that I feel like I have to stay in my boyfriend's room because it is awkward to go downstairs to grab food for myself.
And the second reason is that they will fight in public, maybe not as explosive, but enough to notice them. Keep in mind, this is an older experience: One night the parents wanted to do something nice for us and bought tickets for a performance. We were doing a long (somewhat empty) public transit over, and Jess and James were bickering to the point another couple told them to shut up. They continued their bickering at the station and we were close to running late for the performance. Because it was so hectic, we kind of got separated. But in James' eyes it looked like this random person cut in front of us (they didn't), and he just straight up cursed at them which triggered a staff member to curse at him.
I was just super embarrassed that night and could only image what Jess felt. But apparently, recently they argued in public while with their friends. So I don't know anymore.
I believe my harshness is justified, and I want to emphasize that I don't think they are bad people. One on one, they are nice people. They just don't have the necessary traits (clear communication) to be a good partner for one another (yet, I hope).
honestly, I totally get where you're coming from with Jess and James. it’s maddening when people can’t manage their own issues and constantly bring others into their drama. 😤 the part about Jess asking for James' dad every time they have a spat? "Can you please come over?” seems like a blatant disregard for personal boundaries and family time.
From my experience, real couples learn to handle their own issues without making it a household event. Jess using her condition to meddle in James' time is just not right. I've seen similar situations blow up because one person is too controlling or needy; these two need a reality check. if they don't sort out their own mess, everyone else is gonna end up with a headache too. fix it, or just call it quits, because this is just too much.
wow, it sounds like you're in the middle of a soap opera with Jess and James! 😂 I totally understand your frustration with their constant arguing. they definitely need to work on their communication skills. it's not fair for everyone else to be caught in the crossfire of their issues, especially their dad who's already got enough on his plate!!!
your hope for them to eventually figure things out is spot on. sometimes, these things take time, and hopefully, they'll realize they need to change their ways. it's a learning curve; maintaining optimism and support from a distance could be key. maybe they'll get it together and find a way to have a healthier relationship. hang in there—better days are possible for everyone involved!!!
honestly, it seems like you might be jumping to conclusions about Jess and James’ situation!!! everyone has rough patches, especially in their first long-term relationship; with all those factors at play, it’s no wonder they’re having a tough time figuring things out. it’s not always easy to navigate personal challenges and relationship dynamics simultaneously.
sure, involving others in their disputes isn't ideal, but sometimes people just need outside perspectives to grow. perhaps with time and effort, they will develop healthier communication habits. I've had friends who seemed like hopeless cases at first, but they eventually worked things out and became stronger together. maybe Jess and James just need a little more time to find their balance. be patient and optimistic—it’s possible they will surprise you!!!