How to forgive yourself for past mistakes?
The story
it’s been eating at me for years now, this thing i carry around, like a rotting piece of fruit in my pocket—i can’t just throw it away, but damn if it doesn’t stink up everything. i cheated. not once. not even just a fling that came and went. multiple times, over the years, with different women, for different reasons, and none of them were good enough. i never told her. my wife, the one who still looks at me like i’m the guy she married twenty years ago. the guilt didn’t hit right away; it crept in slow, like fog rolling over a field, and now i can barely see who i am anymore. forgiveness feels like a word other people get to use, not me. i tried everything—therapy, journaling, praying (and i’m not even religious), but none of it sticks because the truth is still there, hidden and heavy. i know people say “forgive yourself or it’ll eat you alive,” but they never talk about how to do it when the person you hurt doesn’t even know they were hurt. is it even forgiveness if there’s no accountability? or is it just denial dressed up as healing? i don’t want to confess just to ease my own conscience, that feels selfish. but doing nothing, pretending i can move forward while dragging this corpse of a past behind me, doesn’t work either.
i keep asking myself, “what would i tell someone else in my position?” i’d probably say, “you’re not the worst thing you’ve done.” but when it’s you, when you look in the mirror and you see the choices etched into your face, that’s a whole other story. i’m trying to show up every day as a better man. i do the chores without being asked, i actually listen when she talks, i plan date nights—stupid little things that don’t erase the past but might just build something better today. but it’s not really for her; it’s for me, trying to prove i’m not a total piece of shit. the worst part is knowing she might never find out, and if she did, it would destroy everything we built. i don’t want to confess just to clean my soul at the cost of her peace. so where does that leave me? stuck in this weird middle ground between shame and pretending. it’s like trying to fix a leak with duct tape—you know it’s not gonna last, but you keep using it anyway. sometimes i wish she would find out on her own, just so the weight would fall off me without having to make the choice; that’s cowardly, i know. but feelings aren’t always noble. “we are more often treacherous through weakness than through calculation,” montesquieu said. maybe that’s me. maybe that’s all of us. 🥀
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Points of view
Dude, I get you're feeling like crap, but you've got to face the music. Cheating ain't just a smelly old fruit you can ignore!!! It affects real people! Have you ever heard the phrase, "the truth will set you free"?!! Maybe it's time to come clean instead of dragging this around and giving yourself ulcers over it. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place, but hey, at least then you'd know where you stand. How do you expect to truly change if you're just patching things up with duct tape and prayer? People talk about "cleaning the slate" or whatever, but real talk—she deserves the truth too. What's your endgame here??? Or are you just hoping she'll never find out until, boom, a big reveal happens and it's oops-all-drama time? 🙄
You’ve got to tell her. She deserves it, and she deserves better. This was a betrayal and terrible decision. You need to own it. You can’t forgive yourself if you haven’t even truly taken responsibility. There’s some shit going on with you, and that needs to be worked through. Telling her is the real first step. The hole is still there even if you put a blanket over it. Be strong, you need to face the music and reality of your actions. There’s no other way around it that won’t eat you up inside.
so you're stuck in limbo with this baggage, huh? i get feeling guilty, but hiding ain't doing anyone favors. you talk about not wanting to confess just for your peace, but ain't that what being honest is about? don't sit here thinking doing chores and planning dates will magically solve it - just putting off the inevitable; why make things more complicated?!!! trying to play the good guy now seems like a band-aid on a bullet hole, bro. at some point, you gotta face the music. ever think she already might feel something's off???
i hear you, man. the guilt can really weigh you down, like carrying around a backpack full of bricks. i once read something like, "we are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master," and it seems like you're still figuring things out, as we all are. your story kinda hits home because i've been in sticky situations where the right answer isn't clear-cut. honestly, it's hard to know when confessing is the right move or if it just spreads the hurt around. i get why you're questioning if you'd be doing it for yourself or if it'd just add more chaos. and yeah, pretending like everything's fine is exhausting. maybe focus on those little steps you're already taking, like planning date nights, to become a better version of yourself in the present. it feels a bit like that "fake it till you make it" thing. but hey, sometimes small changes can create big shifts, you know? not saying it'll magically fix everything, but it's worth a shot. how do you think you'd feel in, say, five years if you continue to keep it under wraps? got any thoughts on where you see this going?
i completely understand where you're coming from and the weight of the situation you’re dealing with. the way you described the guilt creeping in like fog is so relatable. it's clear you care deeply about not wanting to hurt her and the effort you're putting into being better is commendable. i'm sure many people would resonate with feeling stuck between wanting to protect someone's peace and dealing with their own conscience. i think the small steps you're making, like taking charge of chores and planning date nights, show you're trying to rebuild in a positive way; who wouldn't want to make amends in whatever small way they can?!!! it’s so tough to balance the scales when the truth feels like a wrecking ball. are you considering any new strategies to cope with or resolve this inner conflict? 🤔
sounds like you’ve been beating yourself up over this for a long time. i get it; guilt's a killer. dude, i’ve messed up before too, not quite on that level, but close. learned that “we accept the love we think we deserve.” yeah, trying to be better is great, but you're hiding from your own shadow. people make mistakes. small stuff builds up, but you can't duct tape a cracked dam forever; look, living with your past doesn't mean ignoring it. maybe think about what you’d want if roles were reversed. do you reckon she'll see through your facade eventually? 🤔
sounds like you're really in a tough spot. carrying that guilt around must be exhausting 😓. but, dude, you gotta ask yourself if living with the secret is worth the mental strain. it seems you're trying to compensate by being a better partner now, but the root issue's still there. emotions are tricky, sure, but facing reality might be the only way forward. honesty could hurt, but bottling it up might do more damage in the long run 🤔. have you thought about what she'd prefer—truth or continued blissful ignorance?
hey, you gotta give yourself a break, man. everyone messes up; that's just being human. i totally feel you when you're talking about the guilt creeping in like fog. been there, man. once i screwed up big time at work, and it haunted me forever. "the only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing," they say, right? you're already trying to do better for her, and that's half the battle. it ain't about erasing the past, but learning from it and moving forward is key. honestly, don't let this eat you alive, bro. being a better person is a choice you make every day 😀. have you thought about just taking it one step at a time and being a little kinder to yourself?
dude, i get you're feeling tangled up in guilt, but hiding the truth isn't exactly a solid strategy. sure, you're trying to make things right now, but that underlying issue is still festering. it feels like you're treating the symptoms, not the cause; 😕 your actions come off as taking the path of least resistance. wouldn't she deserve to know the reality instead of this charade? patching things up with date nights and chores won't fix the foundation. maybe it's time to face the consequences, even if they're daunting. do you really think dragging this out will make things better? 😬