i dont even know if this makes sence, but i keep thinking about how to stop masterburation on memory, like not even the act only, but the stupid replay of it in my head. it feels like my brain saved every bad habbit in hd and plays it when i am bored, sad, lonely, or just lying there at night like a loser. i tell myself “ok this is the last time,” and then the next day my mind is already making little excuses. it is so dumb becuase nobody is forcing me, but it still feels like i am being dragged by my own head.

i tried deleting stuff, blocking sites, even putting my phone far away, and yeah it works for maybe two days. then the memory part starts. like i dont need to see anything, my brain just remembers it, and that is the part that makes me feel kinda hopeless. have you ever had something you dont want to think about, but the more you fight it, the louder it gets? thats how it is for me. i start thinking maybe i am broken, but then i also know im probably just stuck in a loop. i dont think shame helps much, but i still feel it anyway, which is annoying as hell.

the only thing that kinda helps is not acting like i can magically fix my whole brain in one night. i try to get up, drink water, walk around, play a game, or text someone about random stuff before the memory gets too strong. sometimes i fail and feel like trash after, but sometimes i dont, and those times matter a little. i dont have some perfect answer. i just think stopping “on memory” means building new boring memories over the old ones, again and again, even when it feels fake. maybe thats all self control is, just being tired and still choosing not to make it worse.

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