why an alcoholic cannot love?
The story
I am 41. I am a woman. I have been married to an alcoholic for more than 15 years. I am sure he doesnt love me, and I am pretty sure it is becuase he is an alcoholic. This is not poetry. This is just facts from my kitchen table at 2 a.m. while he sleeps it off again. People like to say “love is patient” or “marriage is work.” Fine. But there is a difference between work and emotional starvation. I have done alot of waiting. Waiting for him to come home sober. Waiting for him to notice I cut my hair. Waiting for him to ask how my day was and actually listen. He can be generous, polite, even charming when he wants. He can also disappear into a bottle and leave nothing behind but noise and resentment. Therapists say, “don’t take it personally.” AA slogans say, “one day at a time.” Friends say, “he loves you in his own way.” I call bullshit. Love, real love, requires presence. He is never present. When he drinks, I am furniture. When he is sober, he is tired, ashamed, defensive. There is no room left for me. I remember once being sick with the flu, shaking, asking him to stay home. He said he would. He didn’t. He came back drunk and annoyed that I was “still miserable.” That memory sticks. It always will.
I am not saying alcoholics are monsters. I am saying alcoholism eats love first. It eats empathy, patience, and accountability. There is days when he looks at me like he is trying to remember who I am. That is the part no one wants to admit. Addiction turns relationships into transactions. I provide stability. He provides chaos. We orbit the same house but live seperate lives. I stopped expecting affection years ago. I stopped asking questions, becuase answers require honesty and sobriety. When I confronted him last year, he said, “I never asked you to stay.” That sentence was clean and brutal. He was right. I stayed. I also learned. Love cannot survive where alcohol is the priority. It will always come second, third, or not at all. I am balanced enough to admit my own role. I enabled. I hoped. I believed promises I knew were weak. But I am also honest enough to say this: love needs intention. Addiction has none. So tell me, reader, if someone chooses a substance over you every day, what word would you use for that? Is it love, or is it just habit dressed up as marriage? I am tired of pretending those are the same.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
wow, that was really powerful to read; it's heartbreaking how you put so much care and effort into a relationship that's become more like roommates than partners. it’s not easy being in a space where you feel more like an afterthought than a priority—being unheard and unseen is tough on the soul. i think you're spot-on about love needing intention; when addiction takes over, it often leaves chaos and broken promises in its wake. sending lots of strength...
I totally feel where you're coming from, and it's so brave of you to open up about this; it's like being in a constant state of waiting is eating away at the person you used to be, and that just ain't right.
it sounds like you've reached a turning point where you're evaluating the difference between genuine emotional connection and mere cohabitation; it’s crucial to recognize that love, at its core, should be reciprocated and nourished by both parties, rather than feeling like an endless cycle of disappointment and neglect.
Yo, I get it, but seriously?! Why are you still there?!!! Sounds like you're just punishing yourself at this point; it's like you're stuck in a cycle of misery—ain't that draining as hell?? "Love isn't a habit," yeah?! You deserve better than being second to a bottle; dump his ass and move on already!
Your narrative is a poignant testament to the emotional attrition that can accompany living with addiction💔
Hey there! I feel for ya, dealing with all that must be really tough 😞. You've got a way of putting it that hits hard and real—"furniture", wow. It's painful but says so much, you know; it's clear you've spent loads of time working through these feelings and trying to make sense of things. Do you think there's a chance he'd agree to get help or maybe even talk about how you're feeling? You deserve more than waiting around in silence!!!
Man, your story hit me hard. It's tough feeling invisible in your own life, like you're just there to support someone who's not really there for you. I've seen friends go through similar struggles and it's a real wake-up call about what love should mean. Why do people think it’s okay for "he loves you in his own way" to be enough?? That's more of an excuse than a solution. Addiction can turn the whole idea of partnership upside down, making the addict's actions your responsibility somehow—it ain't fair!! Have you thought about what makes you happy outside of this relationship? Maybe focusing on that could help reclaim some space just for you!
honestly, it sounds like you're living with a ghost of the person you once knew, and that can be unbelievably draining;;; relationships are supposed to be supportive and fulfilling, but it seems like you're stuck in an endless loop of unmet expectations and one-sided effort; sure marriage is "work", but it's not supposed to feel like a solo job where you're constantly compromising your own needs just to keep things afloat. love should feel like a partnership, not a battle against addiction; your situation sounds less like love and more like surviving from day to day while sacrificing your happiness in the process. maybe it's time to choose yourself over this exhausting cycle? 😔
if i may express a slightly different viewpoint, it seems you're attributing his behavior entirely to the alcoholism, but could there be deeper issues at play? while addiction undoubtedly complicates things, perhaps there's more to it than just that. it's worth considering how much of your current situation is rooted in past choices and patterns; evaluating these might provide some clarity on whether this relationship is sustainable or if it's time to redefine what love means for you; 🤔
there's a certain poignancy in your words that paints the isolation and emotional depletion you face. i wonder if perhaps there's another vantage point to consider; not every marriage enduring addiction is about choosing between a person or substance, but can also be about opportunity cost. i say this having watched my cousin navigate similar chaos—her partner wasn't always present physically or emotionally, yet she derived something from staying: lessons on resilience, patience, and self-worth. considering these angles might offer solace amidst the turmoil; understand that leaving isn’t a failure but could be an opening towards rediscovering your own narrative. stay hopeful—I trust you'll find courage and clarity in due time.
It seems like you're wrestling with a suffocating situation, one where you’re sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of someone who’s lost in his vice. It's maddening how addiction can hijack not just the addict’s life but yours as well! You deserve love that's visible and vocal—not some half-hearted "love you in my own way" nonsense. Ever consider stepping away to regain your sanity? You shouldn't have to give up yourself for anyone or anything.
Damn, your story hits like a ton of bricks. To be constantly sidelined by someone who's more in love with booze than you—brutal truth right there; addiction is like a black hole sucking the life out of everything around it, including love. It’s straight-up wrong that you’ve had to bear this for so long. Have you ever considered writing your experiences down; maybe channeling some of that pent-up energy into something creative could be cathartic and give you new clarity? You definitely deserve better, no question about it!!!
I feel you—it's heartbreaking to hear how much you've put up with, and it's clear you've done your share of thinking. It’s like living in a constant state of wait and watch where nothing changes. 🙁 But have you considered if maybe talking to someone who specializes in relationships affected by addiction could shift things? They might offer insights that friends and slogans just can’t touch. You deserve real support that sees the whole picture—not just the chaos.
The complexity of your situation is palpable, and while it's apparent that alcoholism has played a detrimental role in your marriage, might it be worth considering the broader systemic factors at play?