too many thoughts,,.,

my thoughts are all so scrambled and i dont have any friends to talk to and i really just need to get all this off my chest. my girlfriend and i were dating for 8 months, we recently just hit 8 months, and i find out that she has been cheating on me with random strangers online for like 3 months now. straight up just flirting with whatever girl dms her. while im over here planning many things for us and for our future. i feel so stupid because i trusted her so much, there were no signs of it either (i think). we spent lots of time together, while also not suffocating each other, we never got into conflicts and if either one of us were to get upset, we'd talk it out really well. we just clicked, you know? and even through those 3 months she acted the same, loving way she always was with me. i found out about this literally two days ago, where i confronted her and we ended things. i went to her thinking i was going to be strong about it and that i was going to cut contact for both of our sakes, but i guess my self respect just went out the window the second i texted her !! because im not ready to let her go at all and i even told her that i was willing to forgive her actions if she were to just send me a text saying "i will change for the better" but she made it clear that she didnt want anything serious in the first place so i just told her that i agreed itd be better to end the relationship. but god. i seriously cannot let her go. i told her that i wouldnt cut contact and that she can talk to me if she ever felt like it, that i'd be there. well now she sends me like 2 messages every like, 4/5 hours ?? and it honestly makes me so sad. and i know that i shouldnt feel sad because we've parted ways now and we're not dating and the reason we're not dating anymore is because she cheated and UGHHH!!!!#$*(@. i dont want to be an annoying, clingy ex. i really dont. we're not together anymore and i need to respect that, but i just care so much about her. i want to know about how her day went, i want to listen to her rant about stupid work moments, i want to know whenever she's feeling down and i want to hear her excitement over whatever nerdy things she likes. i really loved her, this hurts. my nervous system was never the best, im an anxious person and whenever things worry me or something, my heart rate immediately gets so fast and it lasts for a while before i can calm down. after confronting her about all that, i tried to sleep it off because she wasnt answering me, and my heart rate was at 130-150 for about 3 hours even though i was at rest. i managed to calm it down but it still starts racing out of nowhere and it makes me very lightheaded and my chest starts to hurt. the whole finding out she was cheating thing is definately what triggered this dumb heart thing and ive had to constantly do many things to make sure that my heart rate stays normal because it's gotten to the point in other occurances where it'll reach the 200s, my mom has been checking it multiple times a day. this is exhausting and im so tired, last night i kept waking up every few hours because i would suddenly wake up short of breath and my heart racing. i hate that i have to deal with this bs now. im also starting college in august, and i need to learn how to drive by the end of this month (i know nothing about how to drive!!!!!) and i also need to find a job and i have no friends and uhgdshj, im just so sad. im so sad and so angry. im so angry at myself and the world. i already deal with depression and this is just, a lot to deal with right now. i feel like i dont have any space to properly process anything, especially the whole breakup thing. everything is happening so fast. i feel so sad and confused and angry and conflicted, just so many ugly emotions at once. i try not to let these things get to me because i do want to live and i do want a future for myself, but i just feel so alone right now. im so tired of everything. im sorry this rant is long and messy i just really needed to let it out.

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