I guess I’ve always been out of place since I was like a kid,like from 1st grade(I’m 18 now btw) I was littering an outcast cause I could only speak English yeah imagine.Now it’s 6th grade and everyone suddenly has a crush and there I am being all confused and weirded out by love in general which made me feel more out of place and to try and fit in I just pointed at a random guy from the next class during lunch break and said that he was my crush (I’m so dumb for that).

Anyways high school rolls in and everyone is dating left right and center well except me-maybe because I was a chopped ahh with a buzz cut-and like every other girl had long hair except me(side plot:I was very gender dysmorphic at that time so I cut my hair and told people to address me by they/them🫪).Everytime someone would ask me why I didn’t like anyone I just said I didn’t because duh I don’t,so someone started a rumor that I was lesbian which made me a target for a lot of homophobic remarks and when I confronted the person who spread the rumors so they stopped and then proceeded to say I was trans mtf which was out of pocket and I then had to confront them again😭(Promise this leads some where and I’m an ally yallz )Anyways this made me realize that this was all because I didn’t have a boyfriend and wasn’t interested in having one at all and I genuinely thought it was a skill issue or I was just emo🥲.I then started talking to ‘Josh’ which was actually pretty fun cuz he was a nice and friendly person and we had a lot in common but I didn’t feel what you are supposed to feel when you love someone I guess,so I just kinda ghosted him after like a year and guess what a new girl comes and 2 weeks in to them talking they are dating 💀🔫.Like okay so clearly the problem is me right.

At 15,I became friends with a guy from my church,’Kyle’.So he was literally the only friend I had since most of my friends and moved out of town and he was literally the only person who talked to me.I never really thought to much about the idea of us being together cuz we were just church buddies until we started hanging out more and my brother noticed and started shipping us which annoyed the hell out of me.Kyle then started flirting with me and I obviously was blatant about it and flirted back thinking it was a joke and long story short he asked me to be his girlfriend (over text💀) and I said yes-but I felt guilty about it because I didn’t see him in that way so I kinda had to put some emotional distance between us cuz I felt like a horrible person.

So yeah he broke up with me 3 weeks later saying that God spoke to him 🥲 (over text) and I wasn’t upset it felt like when you see a funny TikTok and before you save it your FYP refreshes….okay maybe I am the problem.So I tried doing my own research to find out why I’m like this and apparently I might be AROACE,which means I experience little to no sexual and romantic attraction to anyone,which is soo gut crushing for me cuz if it is true does it mean that I will never fall in love 😭😭😭Like dude I want to get butterflies and feel heartbroken,like why am I like this it’s the biggest whomp in the world my life.This is like a basic human experience and I just can’t have it.I like to see love like I genuinely do enjoy 2000s romcom unironically okay shot me.But at the back of my mind I think I just have this deep feeling that I can’t love myself enough to love someone else like I don’t have love to give and I just repress my emotions…..So yeah any form of advice would help🥀

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