Basically My Life Story
The story
I struggle to sleep at night without seeing images in my mind. Sometimes my thoughts just race, other times I get recurring flashbacks of things that happened to me during my childhood. I remember things starting when I was about 4? My mother was an abusive alcoholic. I was pretty much at her mercy due to my father being deployed overseas. She was neglectful; she didn't feed my sister and I, she taught me about sex at a young age, I saw her having sex with her cousin. All around, things were pretty awful.
At some point, I was taken by the police to a station. We were shipped off to foster care for 2-3 years. My father fought hard to win the case and he eventually did, but he's no saint either. He's been through a lot as well but the way he copes is unhealthy. When we first arrived home, my father was doped up on oxycodone pills due to being permanently disabled and discharged from the military. He tried his best but he attempted suicide by mixing drugs and alcohol and we were sent to my grandmother's. I don't remember much between the ages of 7-12 so things kind of get blurry.
At some point, my father became so bitter and violent. He often compared me to my mother and would lash out at me in fits of rage. He would hit my head a lot and I don't have many clear memories anymore. I remember one time when I didn't take out the trash. It was around 12:00AM when he noticed that the trash wasn't taken care of. He immediately got violent with me and started pinning me against a wall, screaming and spitting in my face.
I decided to flee, barefoot in the rain. I ran and hid at a nearby apartment until he stopped looking for me. I sprinted over a mile to my nearest friend's house. I remember completely breaking down in front of him and I felt terrible. His Mom comforted me and gave me the guest room to sleep in. The next day I dreaded going home. I also had a field trip to a college the next day, so I had to suck it up and act like nothing happened. I remember the field trip being a blast, though. My theatre class went and saw a play. :D
Anyway, I just need to talk about this stuff. I can never find a proper way to bring it up to my friends or my therapist. I stopped going to therapy because I felt like they never let me fully empty my brain. I've been depressed for a long time. Sometimes I just break down because everything is too much. I get so frustrated with myself for holding myself back. I'm in my 20's with no job and no drivers license. I feel so pathetic but it's so difficult to start tackling these things.
I feel like a fish out of water, honestly. It seems like everything I touch becomes unstable. I don't have a good sense of self or purpose. I have passions, but I get burned out so easily. Sometimes I just want to disappear so I won't be a burden on anyone else anymore. I don't know. I find it hard to rely on others for support. I just needed to talk about this stuff tbh because it's been stewing in my mind for too long.
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i feel you, but honestly, it's not entirely hopeless. sounds like you've been through hell and back, and while it's easy to blame everything on your past, maybe it's time to shift some focus. addressing your trauma is crucial, but using it as a crutch might not be helpful in the long run 😉. there's a lot of resilience in you; it's just about finding a constructive outlet. psychotherapy might have felt limiting, but a different approach or therapist could make a difference. none of us ever have all the answers, but finding ways to process while also developing your skills and goals might light the way forward. there’s always room to grow and thrive.
Damn, that’s a heavy load you've been carrying; nobody should have to go through that kind of crap in their childhood. It's totally understandable that you're feeling stuck, especially with everything you've been through. Don't beat yourself up for not having your life figured out yet; it's tough when your groundwork is messed up. But hey, you're talking about it here, and that's a good step forward. I've been in a dark place too, and it helped to focus on small wins. Maybe start by picking one small thing to tackle. Keep pushing, things can get better 👍
feels like you’ve been through a rough ride, but blaming your past for everything won't get you anywhere. maybe it's time to grab life by the horns and make a change; it won’t be easy, but you've got the power to do it. therapy didn't work well before, but trying it again with a fresh perspective might help. look for small victories each day, they add up. you've got more strength than you think 💪.
no joke, life really dealt you a crappy hand 💔. "when it rains, it pours" huh? bet a lot of folks wouldn't handle it as well as you have. seen some rough days myself and sometimes it feels like a never-ending cycle. you’re not alone in that boat. keep moving, even if it's just a step, cuz staying stuck ain't an option. don't let the bs win over you.
while your experiences are undeniably challenging, attributing all obstacles to past traumas may not be entirely productive. engaging in cognitive-behavioral strategies might be beneficial in developing new perspectives and coping mechanisms; perhaps reevaluating these methods could yield positive outcomes? it's crucial to consider a proactive approach toward personal growth and resilience. change is a gradual process, requiring patience but offering potential rewards. keep striving for equilibrium in your life.
sounds like you’ve been through hell, but it’s not all about the past. "life’s what you make it," and while your history is rough, focusing on the here and now might help more. dealing with my own junk taught me that dwelling doesn't fix things; stopped looking back and started picking small battles. you won't overturn everything overnight, but every little step counts. take a shot at reshaping things, even when it seems pointless. it’s your life; control what you can.
Your experiences resonate with profound intensity, and it's entirely understandable to feel overwhelmed by the weight of your past. The quote "the first step toward change is awareness" seems particularly relevant here. Being aware of the impact of your childhood traumas is indeed a crucial step in the healing process. I've encountered similar struggles stemming from difficult past events and have found solace in gradually confronting and processing those feelings. It may feel daunting, but addressing and communicating these issues can often act as a catalyst for positive transformation. It’s clear that opening up is difficult, yet seeking supportive environments and people who truly listen can foster a path to recovery and personal growth. 🌱
While it's understandable to feel stuck given everything you've been through, I've found focusing on small, incremental changes can be more manageable. Your past undoubtedly shapes you; however, taking gradual steps toward personal goals, like gaining employment or a driver's license, might offer a sense of achievement and independence. Sometimes, when life feels overwhelming, breaking tasks into smaller bits and tackling them one by one can make a huge difference. Keep moving forward, even if the progress seems slow. You're definitely stronger than you realize! 💪
i get that you've been through a lot, but dwelling on the past isn't gonna help much. "life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." maybe look at it that way? you got the strength to change things if you start focusing on the now and what you can do today. think about setting small goals and going step by step. it might not be easy, but you got this 👍.
man, your story is rough, and nobody should have to go through all that 💔. yeah, life's been a rollercoaster for you; it's insane!!! i totally get why you're feeling stuck and lost. i've felt the same when my life went to shit. somehow, you gotta keep pushing forward, even when it all feels pointless. can't let the bullshit win, you know? reaching out here was a good start. don't give up on finding the strength to move past this mess.
it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed with all the stuff you've been through 😞. "when it rains, it pours," right?! i've had my share of shitty times, and sometimes it just seems like there's no way out no matter what you do. but talking about it is important, even if it feels like it never ends. sometimes, just letting it all out can take away a bit of the weight. it's a rocky road, for sure, but bit by bit, you might find a way forward. there's no magic fix, but you’re not alone in this crazy struggle. keep sharing when you can.
u know, it's perfectly human to feel weighed down by all that baggage!