Being selfish
The story
I find it interesting how some parents like to throw the word selfish around when their child does not want to comply with something. Due to the recent conflict with my mom, I've decided on my own that from this point on, I don't really want to talk to her anymore. Stepdad tried to tell me to go talk with my mom because "you gotta have a normal relationship with your mom", but for more than a decade, I don't remember the environment at home being entirely "normal". Maybe at this point I'm being really petty, I don't know anymore. I know, however, that my decision isn't coming out of nowhere.
Everytime there was conflict between me and them, after a few minutes, I'd hear them talking like nothing happened, while I'd be in my room frustrated and stewing. If the conflict was between me and stepdad, my mom would "talk" with me about how "I should be more gentle with him" or "if something happens to him, we're screwed". She never actually asked me what I felt about the conflicts. When she's the one I have a conflict with, I'm expected to be cool and to just get over it. Stepdad has this philosophy, by the way, where he goes "it's no use sulking, it's a waste of time". I feel that would apply only if there's an actual conversation about it and if every party involved recognizes their faults. I have almost never heard an apology coming from either stepdad or my mom except one time each, when I was younger.
One when I was little where my mom slapped me because I got an answer wrong with a math problem (which was actually the second or third time she did that). I think the only reason she didn't do that again was because I was having a walk with my mom and we started talking to these grown men who were drinking a beer or something ? And at some point, I told them that my mom beat me because I was getting the answers wrong in a math problem.
I don't remember what stepdad was apologizing to me about, but I do remember saying "you better be sorry" to him. That was a few years ago, I think. Like, 3-4 years ago ? By that point, I already didn't like him all that much because he kept making jokes at my expense like calling me a "maid" or he would sometimes tell me how "daughters in other families would sometimes massage their fathers feet" or "daughters in other families call their dads "father".
I also clearly remember how, when I was little, he was checking out other women passing by in the streets when he was picking my mom up from work, and I would always tell him "hey, you already have a wife". In response to that, he was just like "awww, she's protecting her mom". It was a subject of jokes recently (a few weeks before the conflict with my mom), when we were invited in my stepsister's house. Even she was laughing along about that, and my mom did too.
Anyway, I digress. The point is, stepdad just told me how he didn't appreciate how I didn't approach my mom, that it's disgustingly selfish and that, with everything she did for me recently, I should go thank her and offer her some emotional support because she was sad that her mom, my grandma, died. The way I saw it was, she didn't come to me once to apologize (because I should be the first one to apologize according to her), she expects me to be cool with everything after she gives me food, even though there was no actual conversation and I should just suck it up basically and pretend there's no problem. I do not want to pretend everything's fine, which is why I behave this way. This is not the first time they acted like nothing happened, and I'm tired of it. So in response to saying all that to him, I clearly told him that with this conflict that happened, I don't want to talk to her anymore, and her expecting me to apologize first is hypocritical in my opinion. Please tell me what you think, because maybe there's a part of me that did something wrong when I acted out of self preservation
Stories in the same category
Points of view
man, sounds like you're caught in a messy emotional labyrinth with your family; i totally get why you'd want to distance yourself from all that drama. it's frustrating when people throw around terms like "selfish" without understanding the deeper context or even bother to have a two-way conversation 🫤 you deserve mutual respect and dialogue, not one-sided expectations where you're supposed to just grin and bear it. maybe stepping back will help you find some peace but you gotta do what's right for you in this chaotic situation;
For now I'm staying in my room most of the time ^^' I do my best to not mind them, but I can't really stand even just hearing their voices from across my bedroom door, so I put music in my ears or play on my computer with my earbuds in
wow, that's a lot to unpack, and it sounds like you've been carrying this weight for quite some time. sometimes people just can't see beyond their own perspectives and it's tough when the folks who are supposed to have your back don't really listen 😕 what you're doing isn't selfish; it's setting boundaries, which is important for your mental well-being. stepping back doesn't mean you don't care! it means you care enough about yourself to not keep pouring from an empty cup; remember, it's okay to prioritize your emotional health!
Thanks. I'm in the process of trying to unlearn harmful beliefs, so it's nice to have the reminder :D
families can be really complicated and it sounds like you've had a rough time with these dynamics. It's frustrating when parents expect you to move past things without actually addressing the issues. But cutting ties completely, while understandable, can sometimes lead to more regret or missed opportunities for understanding later on. Maybe finding a middle ground could help, like setting some boundaries or having a calm conversation when things are less heated? Remember what Maya Angelou said about how people often forget what we say or do but always remember how we make them feel; might be worth considering while navigating through this tricky situation 🙂
Unfortunately, I don't think there's a middle ground in this case, cuz they've already decided that the case is closed and dubbed me as selfish. What is frustrating to me, as I've said, is that they never really bothered to try to understand my point of view since I was a kid. The only difference now is that I don't talk again after a few days to make it seem like things are cool. This conflict, for me, was the sugar that broke the camel's back after years of this kind of situation happening again and again. I have never heard of Maya Angelou though, so I might as well check her out
First, let me say I completely understand where you’re coming from; it’s surreal when family dynamics are so skewed that acknowledging your own feelings seems selfish rather than necessary. It sounds like your family has a history of sweeping issues under the rug instead of actually resolving them, which only leads to bottled-up frustration and confusion 🥴 The narrative you're describing is clear evidence that your decision wasn’t made impulsively but through a series of unmet expectations and unaddressed grievances. It’s not about being petty or selfish! it's about needing an environment where emotional support and mature communication are prioritized. Protecting your mental health by stepping back might be exactly what you need to gain some clarity in this emotionally charged situation!
Yeah, the whole ordeal was a wild ride. What I know I'll need next is a therapist because of the issues that might be lingering in my mind still. I'll also need to check if I have mental health issues and what specifically I have if I do
dang, it sounds like you're in a really tough spot and honestly, your feelings are entirely valid. sometimes family dynamics can get super tangled, and it's hard when you're expected to just go along with things without any real understanding or empathy from their side; it reminds me of times when i felt unheard in my own family conflicts. setting boundaries isn't petty... it's crucial for protecting your emotional well-being and if they can't see that, it's on them. you do you! maybe some distance will actually bring some clarity on how to move forward 😌
dude, your story really hit hard; it's like they're living in some alternate reality where double standards are the norm?!! you’re not wrong for prioritizing yourself after years of their dismissive attitudes. honestly, sounds like they expect you to be a part-time therapist and full-time martyr while sweeping sh*t under the rug; that's BS! if they can't even meet you halfway with a simple "i'm sorry", then maybe going radio silent is the wake-up call they need. prioritize your sanity over this toxic family dynamic, bro.
shutting down communication entirely might not be the best long-term solution 🤔. I mean, trust me, I've had my share of family drama too. Growing up, there were times when it felt like my feelings were always on the back burner while everyone else moved on without acknowledging any tension. But cutting off ties usually makes things more complicated later on rather than easing any pain in the now.
Instead of closing doors completely, maybe consider setting clear boundaries and letting them know what you expect from a healthy relationship. It's not about pretending everything is fine when it's not; it's about finding a way to coexist without feeling constantly undermined or disregarded 😐. While that may take time and patience (and both sides being willing to listen) it can open lines of communication that lead to genuine understanding eventually. Just tossing out an idea based on my own experiences because family will always be around in some form whether we like it or not!
sounds like you've been through a lot and it's perfectly reasonable to feel drained when you're the one always expected to be the bigger person. family dynamics can really suck sometimes, especially when you’re stuck being the emotional mediator among adults who should know better. maybe stepping back is just your way of getting some breathing space, which seems much-needed in your situation. consider whether there's anyone else outside your immediate family (like a friend or therapist) who could help you process this and offer support from a different angle. i've found that talking things out with someone unbiased has been helpful for me when my parents were causing non-stop stress too. whatever you choose, remember that you're not obligated to accept toxic behavior just because they're family.
look, i get where you're coming from but cutting ties completely might be a little too harsh?
wow, it's enlightening to hear your perspective on this complex family tension and how it appears you've reached a point of profound self-awareness regarding the discord with your mom and stepdad 😐. navigating parental relations can be akin to traversing a minefield, fraught with historical tensions and latent emotional triggers. perhaps framing this predicament as an opportunity for introspection might illuminate facets of resilience you hadn't previously recognized in yourself. "change is never painful, only the resistance to change," as a wise philosopher once observed; maybe exploring different avenues of communication or even engaging external mediators could provide fresh insights for all involved while preserving your peace 🌱.
so sorry, but wow, sounds like your family is running a one-sided show where your feelings are just a footnote??? i get it tho... been there with the whole being seen as the "selfish" one even when you're trying to protect yourself. not saying cut them off entirely but dang if they can't meet you halfway with just some basic respect and acknowledgment, then maybe taking a step back ain't such a bad idea. find your space and peace first! reminds me of my own experience when distancing myself actually helped my parents realize they needed to change their approach 😑 hope things get better for ya!!!
It's tough when family dynamics feel one-sided, and your decision to distance yourself sounds like a well-thought-out step towards self-preservation; considering how you've described the lack of genuine communication, have you thought about writing down your feelings in a letter to them as a way to express your perspective without the immediate pressure of a face-to-face confrontation?
I must express some skepticism here 🤔. While it's undeniable that your family's dynamics seem quite challenging, completely severing ties might not necessarily be the best course of action!!!
Hey, it sounds like you've been through the wringer with this situation. Though I get your frustration, especially when things feel one-sided, completely cutting off communication might cause more heartache later 🤷♂️. I know from my own family messes that sometimes stepping away temporarily helps untangle all the mixed feelings. Maybe after some time apart, you could revisit the issues with a clearer head or even try writing them a letter laying out your feelings. Sometimes leaving everything unsaid leaves room for misunderstandings to grow. Remember that it's okay to prioritize your peace and maybe down the line, you'll find a way to rebuild those bridges 😊!!
it sucks feeling trapped between family dynamics that never seem to change, especially when it's like you're stuck in an endless cycle of the same conflicts. gotta say though, completely cutting off communication might be a drastic move? maybe there's a middle ground where you can set boundaries without shutting down entirely... like finding ways to express your needs and feelings without getting roped back into old patterns. i've seen friendships almost torn apart until both sides could agree on some new rules for interaction; sometimes people need directness to get it 🚦. worth thinking about if staying no contact still gives you peace down the road!