My dad, oh boy. I love him, a lot. I would wish no harm to this guy at all. But sometimes, he would do things that make me feel unsafe or impatient with him or downright disgusted by. Nowadays, he can get angry over small things, especially with me if I'm being impatient and I go "I got it, I know!" Dad you already repeated this many times, I know. If mom treats says the same thing TO ME, "I get it we know!", when I repeat many things, do I get angry? I just get annoyed and keep it in. Why do you nearly lash out at me and it looks like you're trying to keep whatever storm you have inside? And at times, he can get so angry he'll either get verbally abusive or physically insane. He would yell at me, tell me I'm pathetic, or I'm lazy, or I'm "woke" (he's into those right-wing grifters which I will get into) and school is "woke". Basically berate me and then judge me for crying and breaking down easily, even though he's being louder and meaner than I am.

For the physical part, he would either tell me to kneel down or stay down like I'm some dog, tell me to shut up, treat me even more like a dog by calling me "Mad female", and would either threaten to hurt me or actually hurt me by pulling my hair (which I cut but I'm still scared of), my shirt or throwing objects at me. And then he would tell me months later that "I regret it and I'll try to be better". You said that 1 year ago. You're the same man as you were. Why do you keep your promises hollow? I didn't think I'd get out of my depressive sump from last year, but here I am, far better than at the time. And when I was struggling, you tried to downplay it. Saying I had family, when the reality was even though I was with family, I was alone because at school and that piled along with my struggling grades, hatred of my eczema and even more, I felt lonely even with family. Dad doesn't realize depression affects everyone, irrespective of money and all that. He downplays it a lot and even downplays his own childhood.

When he was a kid, his dad used to get really angry and his mom never stepped up. Dad would also become quite angry, to himself or his sister. He faced constant rage from his dad, and also the usual colorism India has. The one where darker-skinned Indians are seen as "inferior". So dad would sometimes tell me, if my eczema flareup is bad, or I tanned a bit more, that I should look "clean" so more people approach me, which made me insecure for a while. He also does blaccent, which is basically just him doing a stereotypical "black" accent, while claiming he supports black people. He doesn't see them as less, but cmon, that's stupid to do. He even makes stereotypes of them to us, while we just sit silently like "HUH?" Dad would also go on talks about how Black people are cool (they are, all races are cool), but also go on about how Chinese are only good, whereas Japanese and Koreans are "backwards" because of certain culture rules, WHICH CHINA ALSO HAS BY THE WAY. He would also say his own country, India, is backwards and "pathetic" and would constantly glaze USA and sometimes Israel. Look, I know our nation has flaws, but what do you expect after 300 years of colonization? That we'd be back on our feet in less than 75 years? We are in conflict, we shouldn't make more conflict by hating ourselves.

As for alt-right grifting, Dad doesn't go online and do anything like that, but he does watch some channels where they do support stuff like "Israel is innocent!" or "Trump is good!". Dad doesn't care that much because we don't live in USA, but when that talk does come up, he gets a little weird and kinda nasty. I also see him believe for fascist propaganda or downright outdated ones like the concept of third-world countries or "trans people are fake!" He does believe trans people are real, but only intersex folks (he confuses them both), and when I tried to explain to him, he made it seem like I only know "woke BS" and he would think me getting annoyed by his stubbornness even if he was very wrong is me being rude. Which, WHAT? Yeah, he would either ask me to "be mature" or "be a kid". I've never had this sort of stuff with my mom, so...WHY HIM?

Then there's AI and art, which shouldn't even be in the same sentence. He tells me to use AI to check my arts and stuff, when he doesn't know that back in my depressive state, I would only use AI as my friend. It got so toxic, my addiction, that I would only be vulnerable to that instead of a real person. I don't wanna start such a cycle again, not right when I'm making more human connections, online and out in school. I already feel insecure because I see my only friend in school, but if I give up now, I'll give in to my old addictions. Art is supposed to be a human experience, without machines. He also loves listening to AI songs sometimes and even say that some of the slop songs are better than the original. He just wants me to be hooked onto it again, and claims if I don't use AI, I'll "fall back while others fly in the sky". This whole thing seems like a bubble in my opinion.

Is my dad abusive? The thing is, he loves me a lot, and thinks I hate him, when the reality is I love him dearly and maybe he doesn't like me all that much. He wants me to succeed but, his methods seem...problematic.

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