How it’s been with the loss of my sister
The story
Idk how to say it but trigger warning: suicide??? forgive me 😕. No category fits this so I just picked the closest. 4 years ago, I lost my sister due to her taking her own life, I remember the day very vividly. And at first, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t cry a lot and when I did it felt fake. Everything was strange for the next few weeks, just walking past her room and seeing she wasn’t there in her room on her phone or doing whatever, not having her sitting besides me during car rides, not having her bothering me every day. Even with still having my parents and brother, it still felt like a huge, really big loss. Everything felt quiet and empty, the house, going out with my family. Nothing felt the same anymore, my parents were depressed and I guess I was too young to notice. I was angry at her for that, how she made my parents feel, what she did and how it affected all of us. Maybe my age at the time was what made me so numb, or maybe I just haven’t processed it. We moved out some months after what happened, my parents couldn’t bear living in that house anymore. I began going to therapy because my parents made me go, I didn’t like it and never wanted to go. It took me like 1-2 years to finally begin feeling sad with her absence. I cried and my anger at her vanished and instead a deep feeling of guilt and sadness began to take place. I thought of what I could’ve did that caused what happened. And that guilt inside me began turning into a deep hatred for myself because I felt and thought and really believed that its my fault that it happened. I hated myself because I think I was a bad brother to her and that I couldn’t see details or anything that would have let me know how she was feeling, or maybe I did see them, and just didn’t pay attention to them. The hate for myself made me want to die, it’s made me hurt myself. It really hurt and I feel stupid now for doing that, but back then it felt like I deserved it. Those 4 years later, im older now, even older than her, finally some beard began growing and some moustache too, I got a broader chest and I’m finally taller. Now I hallways have a serious/neutral face, not looking like the happy kid I was before. There’s a family portrait in the entrance of my house, including my sister in it. Whenever friends that I haven’t known before it happened see it and ask who’s that. I never have anything to say to that. If I say my sister, they’d ask where is she, if I say someone else they’d ask the same thing. I just ignore the question and hope they don’t pry further. Something similar is when people ask if I have siblings, I say 1, which is my brother, but it feels wrong not saying 2 anymore. My family is still affected deeply by what happened, its not the same anymore and never will. My mom feels like it was her fault that it happened, some people even blame her for it, but I don’t. She’s really one of the best moms anyone could have. I don’t know how bad or well my dad is doing, he’s more closed off and I feel bad for not really checking on him or my mom. Now I regret not taking therapy seriously, it was a really good opportunity my parents gave me, the therapist was so nice and I didn’t take the opportunity now leaving myself with these unhealthy feelings instead of probably moving on and maybe being better. I began dreaming of her, dreams where she was still alive, or that instead of her actually taking her own life it was just a failed attempt and that we got her help and everything turned out okay. Every time I woke up I would cry, begging to god and praying it would be reality. I look at her photos every now and then and damn, I see what a beautiful person I lost. I look at my hands and just can’t believe that these hands once held my sister. I just look at myself in the mirror and just wonder how different how life would be like if in my place, my sister would be here. She was smarter, she was a better person, she’d be in a better place Im in right now, living better than how I’m living right now, maybe these fights with my parents wouldn’t have happened, maybe they wouldn’t be so stressed. Maybe the room I have right now would look better if it was her room. Maybe if I died instead of her, my parents wouldn’t have felt so bad like they did with my sister, or if I just died or never have been born she’d still be alive. I still go to school that she was in, which me and my brother have also always been in. I see the teachers that also gave classes to her. One time a teacher recognised me as her brother and asked me how she was, with her not coming. To avoid being asked anything more, or having to be vulnerable, I said she’s okay and nothing more. It made me quiet and pensive the rest of the day. I don’t blame him, no one really knows apart from her close friends and mine. It’s hard to bottle up how I feel, I would say it can become physically tiring. I suppose it takes a toll on you, I couldn’t handle it one time. I just broke down at school, crying like a baby. I have friends that helped me through it, and the counsellor at school helped me too. She called a teacher that knew me and my siblings too really well. I was surprised at how nice she was because when I was a kid I thought she was mean. But I really have to thank her for that hour long talk I had with her. I remember seeing the expression on my parent’s faces later that day, they seemed worried about me. I almost went back to therapy but I refused for some stupid reason. I’m not sure why but it wasn’t really talked about later. Now, like really now, present day, nowadays, I feel differently from how I felt back then. I personally would say I’m better, I’ve finally gone abroad which was my dream since I was a kid, I’ve grown up now and I don’t have to lie about my age just say I’m at least 13+, I’ve met new people which are actually pretty cool, I started playing football (American football) and turns out I’m pretty sick at it, I’ve taken an interest in drawing and even though I suck im going somewhere and most importantly, I don’t want to die anymore. I still feel bad because of what happened and I still feel that guilt and I blame myself for what happened. Ive vented to people and that helped a lot. I’m a bit proud of myself for being able to take some steps to move on and live better. Just now I noticed how much I wrote 😬, I haven’t even seen other posts on this site so I don’t know if this one sticks out like a sore thumb but idc I vented and I really needed it. I don’t think lots of people will read all this, but if you do, hi!!!!!!!!! And thanks.
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Points of view
Hey, I just wanna say you're not alone in feeling this way. It's tough losing someone so close, especially in such a painful way. 😢 I completely agree with what you're saying—the guilt and sadness can be overwhelming. I relate to bottling up emotions; it's almost like you're stuck in an endless loop of doubt and regret; Therapy helped me when I went through something similar, but it's not a one-size-fits-all. Remember, taking any step forward, no matter how small, is a victory. Life isn't the same after such a loss, but it sounds like you're really trying your best. Keep venting and reaching out; it helps more than you might think.
Hey, I hear you, and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. But, I gotta say, beating yourself up won’t help you move forward. Remember, "You can't change the past, but you can influence the future." It’s easy to get lost in the "what-ifs," but no one can see all the signs or predict how things will turn out. 🤔 Maybe consider giving therapy another shot; it might help sort through all those feelings. Just take it one day at a time.
Honestly, grief and guilt can seriously mess with your head, making you feel like everything's your fault. Believe me, I’ve been there, too 😞; it’s a dark place. But you gotta remember, you’re not a mind reader. You can't shoulder this colossal burden of blame.
You’ve been making strides in life—going abroad, meeting new folks, and getting into football. That's solid stuff. But holding onto all this guilt about your sister ain't gonna change the past, buddy. It's alright to feel what you're feeling, but don’t let it dictate your whole life. Might be time to give therapy another shot, even if just to unload some of that weight. Anyway, keep pushing forward, man. You got this. 💪
Man, I get it, you're going through some really heavy stuff. But blaming yourself for everything ain't the way to go. Seriously, the "hindsight bias" will drive you nuts if you let it. You can’t change what happened!!! Instead of staying in this negative loop, maybe focus on the present and future; It's the only thing you can really control. Life's full of complexities and unpredictable events, and it's tough, but that’s how it is. Beating yourself up constantly helps no one, least of all you... Getting back to therapy could be a solid move, ya know? Lighten that emotional load a bit. Who knows, you might finally find some peace and even a positive angle in all this. Keep your head up!!!
hey, I totally feel for you and get why you're blaming yourself. it's natural to feel lost and guilty after something like this; grief can really mess with your head. "Time heals all wounds," they say, but sometimes it feels like time just stands still. you’re not alone in those feelings, and bottling up everything isn't the solution. when my cousin passed away, I kept thinking about all the things I could have done differently, but it just kept me stuck in the past. talking to someone helped a lot. it’s great that you've found new interests and people in your life though; maybe they can be a solid support system. keep pushing forward, and remember it's okay to not have all the answers. 🤔
I understand where you're coming from, but holding onto all that guilt isn't going to help anyone. It's incredibly tough to deal with such a significant loss, but it's essential to realize that you're not responsible for what happened. Life is unpredictable, and it's impossible to see every sign or prevent every tragedy. Just because things turned out as they did, doesn't mean you are to blame; Instead of focusing on the "what-ifs," try concentrating on the present and the positive steps you've already taken. While it's clear you didn't find therapy helpful before, it's worth considering giving it another shot. Finding a way to talk through your feelings might lighten the emotional load you've been carrying. Stay strong, and remember you're allowed to seek out happiness and healing.
hey, I get how you might be feeling. losing someone like that is so hard 😔. i've been through something similar, and it’s true that grief can be overwhelming. "Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it helps you deal with them." I totally agree with you on feeling the weight of what happened. sometimes it’s easy to feel guilty and think about all the "what-ifs," but you can’t be in control of everything; it's good that you're finding some positivity with new activities like football and drawing. they can be great outlets for all those complex emotions. keep pushing forward, and remember, it’s okay to take your time and feel what you need to feel!!!! you're not alone in this.
maybe try not to be so hard on yourself. it ain't all on you, you know? "You can only connect the dots looking backwards." guilt's a heavy thing to carry around, but were there really signs you missed? sometimes it's just not possible to know. it's great you're getting involved in new activities, like football and drawing! they've gotta be helping a lot with moving forward. how's playing football been going for you so far? 😊 keep your head up and remember to focus on the positives, they're there if you look.
I completely understand and empathize with your experience. The pain and confusion you're feeling are deeply real, and it's important to acknowledge them as such. The loss of a loved one, especially in such a distressing manner, leaves one grappling with myriad emotions that often linger and evolve over time. You're right in pointing out that your family dynamic has shifted considerably; however, it's crucial to remember that healing is a journey, and it's okay to take all the time you need. Venturing into new activities like football and drawing is a commendable step toward finding solace and possibly joy. Your feelings of guilt are understandable yet misplaced, as no one can predict or control another's actions. Have you considered sharing your thoughts with your family to open up communication? Talking might bring some relief from the burden. Take care and permit yourself to heal. 😊
I really feel for you, and it's clear you're going through a tough time. However, I think it's crucial to consider that continually blaming yourself isn't a healthy path forward. "We are not responsible for all the things that happen to us;" life is complex, and sometimes there are no clear answers. I've also lost someone close under difficult circumstances, and I went through similar feelings of guilt. But holding onto that negativity only drags you down. It's wonderful to hear you've picked up football and drawing, which can actually be very therapeutic. Maybe reconsider reaching out for professional help or even talking openly with your family. Sometimes, that outside perspective can really help you start to let go of the burdens you've been carrying. Stay strong, and give yourself the kindness you deserve. 😊