My family has never been perfect but I used to LOVE my family, despite all the fights, arguments and ups and downs I always used to feel the deep attachment with them. However, slowly I started to lose feelings.

After my high school I was supposed to study abroad, I got into every university and even received scholarships but couldn’t go due to financial reasons. I told my parents that they do not need to send me at that time as we were financially in a really bad state and if I went I honestly couldn’t have been able to finish my studies and I would have had to return thus I applied in only one university in a degree I don’t even like in my home country and am studying here with a good scholarship. However, my parents act disappointed 24/7 with me. My sibling and 95% batchmates went abroad and they keep saying how studies here don’t matter, how there is no point studying here, even when people ask they look so ashamed of me and say ohhhh we wanted to send her but she did not want to go ( mind you I said no cause if I went at that time they would not be able to afford it and my family would not be able to live properly at all but sure blame it on me ).

Furthermore, I wanted to apply to medical school in my home country but they did not even allow it cause they said the institutions would not take me in as my A levels results weren’t that good; even though when I contacted them they said I can obviously try, I never even got the chance.

On top of that my father had to cheat multiple times, he swore to us he would never do it again but he did it again and again, I cannot even look him in the eye anymore.

Apart from these, they constantly bodyshame me, so much I don’t remember the last time I loved my body/face/anything.

I am constantly under the pressure of doing extremely well in my studies as I have to fully rely on scholarships otherwise I can’t even study here. If I don’t get their desired grades they get pissy.

And recently they keep calling me rude all the time cause I can’t talk to my dad properly after his disgusting actions and I am in general a very closed off person.

I am honestly so tired, I really was hoping for a runaway after my high school just like what my elder sibling did. Now I am stuck, I can’t even go anywhere. It’s not even easy to make enough money on my own in my home country that I’ll save up enough for masters and go away.

Sorry for the long rant, I just don’t have anyone to share this with.

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