Hi everyone! I just… i want to get things out of my chest and read about opinions or advices… anything actually

For as long as i remember i have been passive suicidal. Even as a young child i would try and drink up shampoos and the likes just to see how it’ll affect but of course back then i didnt know the word passive suicidal. I just wasnt afraid to die and not afraid to test little limits.

I grew up not physically abused - not a hit, not a yell. But i’ve just learned that trauma can also come from a “loving family”. I was “best” in most subjects, “most” in many behaviour but somehow i cant see the pride. I’ll be in honorable mentions and i will hear “it’ll be nice to be in top10” i reached top6 and i’ll hear “top5” and so on. Like even if i tried very hard there was no, you did a great job, it’ll be “it’s better if”. I got lots pf my artwork on exhibit on school but still no “good job”. Of course back then i didnt know how important reflection of pride from important people is.

I was sexually molested by a cousin and i ran to my mom. But there was no comfort. I just slept beside her, never talked about it and ny cousin never got in trouble (and i later found out that that certain cousin also molested another cousin)

In the end i stopped trying hard in school. I never failed but i wasnt in top anymore. I just let it as it is.

When i went to college, i got in a bad relationship.

i had a boyfriend - my crush and i heard he was embarrassed (i dont know what reason). I took it to heart and i ended up having a drink with a male friend (to me when i say friend, i mean it. Friend is friend). Who actually said the group’s coming over for a drink, since i was the nearest i got there first and noone was there yet he offered to start drinking i hesitated and suggested to wait but he said they’re all on the way. So of course it didnt end up well. I got drunk. VERY DRUNK that i only remember conversation while we were still alone

“Are you gonna make hot?”

“No. I have a boyfriend”

“Cmon make me hot”

“Hey i said no” and i pushed him but i passed out then and i woke up to a room with a lot of guys. I was on a lap of a guy wiping my face and whispering “hey dont ever come back here. It’s not good for you”

Then the week after was just horrible. I received messages from unknown numbers asking me to do threesome and many more of all that shit. And with all the things going i only felt like i had to talk to my bf before he hears about it from other people. So when i told him what happened he actually ended up choking me so hard i really though i was gonna die. While he was at it he repeatedly called me a whore bitch and slut. When he calmed down he said that inwas lucky to have him cos i am so dorty and unacceptable that noone will ever have me than him. That stuck to my head. He got me pregnant and shived down pills my throat and inside me so i lose the baby. I did t but i was having brown spots. And he took me to get an abortion. I was scared so i just went with him, he said he’d leave me and i’ll have to raise the child alone. I stayed in relationship with him, thankful and lucky to have him but somehow i was dying the longer we stayed together. When i refuse him on having sex he’ll get angry or force himself and repeat and repeat and repeat that i was lucky to have him cos noone will. So you knkw in the end i dont refuse him anymore i just let it without feeling anything, he doesnt even care if i finish as long as he does, in say 2-3mins.

My family helped go abroad for work. Flight, place to stay, everything so we can start out own family. I was excited… we’ll marry. Once he found a job i asked if he can start saving up so we can get married and then i’llgo there and stay with him and look for work there too. But he started refusing, saying he needs to mind his family first. Everyday for a year i begged him to marry me, he never said yes. And i lost my way… i was breaking up with him but he didnt want to but still didnt want to even just say yes to the marriage. Ao o started dating.

And it got really messy there. Because i never admitted how baf things really were between us, i was the bad guy. I still never said anything. My parents sent me in the country where he is for a few nights, they said we go talk things out. I came there to end things.

And… you know until now… more than a decade has passed… all i see are static images… i see me getting dragged across the hotel room on my hair. Being thown in front of a mirror. Him forcing himself on me in front of the mirror while i was crying “quietly” cos i dont want trouble (effect of the being molested as child and getting no help protection or talk). Him forcing me to look at myself in the mirror while does his business and still saying “see l? This your purpose. To please and be a cum dumpster”.

I became suicidal even more. Slitting wrost. Hanging. Overdosing over and over. But i didnt seem to die 😆

Things with him eventually ended. And the the next relationship i was into i was like “i am never getting married and having a child”

All started okay with this new guy. Chemistry or spark or whatever you want to call it was great. But after over a year - only then did he admit that he was married and has a kid. I leaned in to ending things then and there but he said his wife left him long ago and he was on passively suiciding by being alcoholic and smoking. I felt bad (duhh of course - so stupid right?) i gave him a chance and things actually are good with him.

Fas forward. I have an aunt who was fighting stage 4 colon cancer. And the thing that kept her fighting? I told her i’ll get pregnant and give her a grandkid. Every visit she will faintly smile at me? Are we going home to our homecountry? Me, you and the baby on your belly? And i will be like no, not yet. Me and my bf kept trying for her. Then the day came… my aunt died. And the promise? I realized it was more than a promise now. It’s something i want too for myself. So we went on trying. In 1 year, i had 2 chemical pregnancies. Next year complete drought. Then year 3 a ingot pregnant but miscarried at 4 months. THEN i stopped wanting and trying. Became even more depressed. But after 3 months of the miscarriage, i got pregnant. And i was so scared and careful and i never let myself feel happiness cos maybe the universe will feel me and just take away the happiness. Every cramp, Discharge, blood, i rush to the ER. I wrnt back to my home country. I had gestational diabetes, had emergency CS, cos baby’s heart was slowing cos i kept forcing to give birth normally. Then after the CS i was the one who almost died.

And because we’re not married (he’s annulled by the way - legally), my father would curse me everytime and one time he pushed-hit me while carrying the baby so i talked back and that’s when he kicked me out and disowned me. I stayed with my female cousin (the one who was also molested) and i found out that my father also molested her.

So my bf went home for a month of vacation from abroad and picked us up, we’ll stay over at his parents, he has a house but isnt ready yet). And his parents house ended up a nightmare. So many neglected cats and dogs, nobody cleans, there’s poo and pee everywhere - bathroom which smells worse than public toilets, sink, even the disrack, and this is LITERALLY. I have never been in a place so filthy. The mask themselves behind “animal lover” because of having lots of pets but the animals here are mangy, tocks and fleas, rhere are roaches everywhere. Kitchen smells like a piggery. So my baby and i just stay in our assigned room most of the times. I’m tired of cleaning up after orher people’s responsibilities. I love animals, i have 2 cats of my own that i flew across countries cos i would never abndon them. My cats got infested with fleas even though they’re lovked in our room - vet said there are no locked doors for parasites. But they’re okay now. Thank goodness. There was a puppy here who when she died, nobody kept her body someplace. They just left her under the table while they eat dinner… i wasnt able to eat for 24hrs then. The hidden cruelty, the filth, the nagging like why we are always in our room. Cmon i have a baby, who puts everything in her mouth. You all cant clean. You dont want to watch over my baby so i can clean - i tell you one time i asked my bf’s mom if she can hold mu toddler for a few minutes cos i need to use the toilet, i thighs havent even touched the toilet seat and she’s yellong for me to come get my baby, it’s a good thing i held my poop cos i went out the bathroom, i saw my toddler walking alome in the living room. There are stairs she could have climbed, there are cats and dogs that bite when stepped on, my toddler isnt even 2 years old so she doesnt know how to “watch where whe walks”, there are poos and pees she could’ve put in her mouth. And when i saw my bf’s mom in the kitchen she was like “oh i was selling something” nothing bad happened but you know the what ifffff. My bf knows all these, watches me cry every night on videocall, i asked him not to say anything to his family because obviously he isnt here. When their call ends, they go to me and well… he’s not here.

My only happiness is my toddler and my 2 cats.

My bf is quite questionable.

Sometimes all i want is a conversation.

I’m alone. New people. New place - very far from my hometown. And he’ll get mad. Sometime he’ll say sorry, he said he’s under a lot of pressure and guilt. And i understand. When something hurts, like my chest or back. He’ll get angry instead of comforting me.

So i dunno. I’m very lost. I’m thinking of ending things with him cos i think i cant do this anymore to myself cos i dont want my daughter to grow up seeing “it’s okay cos it’s love” and think that it is normal. But alao im almost 40 so i think i wont have a romantic chance.. or even a career chance now would i?i just want to secure my daughter something so she doesn’t end up like me. I am so scared and lost. Alaocplease dont worry about my suicidal side. I lost it since i had her. I am even i cant die now, cos i can leave her here.

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