This place has helped more than I imagined. The things I have to share are so fucked up and and dark.. but I can't speak them. The words choke me.

I've been assembling a sort of plan with a therapist. As I've forced myself to face my demons I've found a startling truth.

Maybe some of you have read what are.. likely almost unbelievably fucked up things I've experienced, that I've shared. Idk.

You see, my family, we came here from a country destroyed by war. We were no strangers to violence. Depravity. So we came to Canada, years and years before me. At first we began to thrive. It is a welcoming, beautiful country. Hard, determined, friendly people. But the evil of mankind seemed to have followed us, or perhaps the war left its mark on us and we just didn't see.

It began with my mother. She was always an erratic lady, you see. High energy. Fiercely intelligent, strong, capable. A take charge woman. Naturally, she thrived at her first job here- a computer scientist. But it wasn't enough. Something changed. Somehow, no one knows, she got in touch with cartel members, all the way out here. Not really as hard as you may think. movies and shows don't do it justice. The cartel is fuckin organized. If you've not actually seen it, just know this: It's better organized than most companies.

I dont know what she did at first. By that time she was pretty quiet about it. I suspect leaking info, she worked for some big firm you see. Eventually, though, she was hooked on drugs. That was it. Over the years, she became increasingly violent. She beat the entire family, held us all in a grip of fear.

And she became obsessed with me. She began to dabble in the occult, became convinced she controlled curses, demons. Ridiculous.. but imagine yourself, a boy. Just a boy. Your whole world has been spoon fed to you from this lady. She hurts you. She isolates you.

The things she has done, not just to me, but other children- kids from other families, or whatever, who were also involved. There is no hell or pit low enough for her. I have seen men shot, burnt alive, beaten to death, for trivial monetary owing. For drugs. For sport. She became pretty big. One of the largest meth and weapons dealers in the region. But that doesn't come without risks.

For every tens of thousands she made it disappeared into her drug habit. As it got worse, she'd taken me and run off. My father was.. a broken man. The war, yknow. He left me. The other children, my siblings, ran. It was just me, her and my dog. And.. well she didn't let me keep the dog long. let's just say that..

Eventually ofc I ran away. After many attempts. After she literally tore my face open with a claw hammer. I still bear the scars, of course. She even used the claw side... fuck me. I was five, man. How the fuck did she not kill me????

No one came. Years and years went by... I've been.. idek bro. Idk what I am. I'm broken. I know I am. Every day, flashbacks. So vivid I act them out, its embarrassing. I wake up with night terrors, but they're not even just that- it's memories. All memories. I've realized that I'm not even really a person. I've spent so long fighting to hold this inside, fighting to stay alive.. been on my own since 14. No assistance whatsoever. I realize that since I was a kid, I didn't have time to be anyone. I don't.. have hobbies. I don't really have likes or dislikes, yknow, in that regard. All I have is this cringing, crippling pain inside.

I want to change that. But..it's not gonna be easy. In my therapy, they mentioned that I am a victim of thought reform. That we needed to 'deconstruct' the puzzle she's made of me, because I still have the same irrational fears(the supernatural, things like that) that control me. Doesn't matter if I know it's bullshit, it's that fear response. Hardwired.

I also realize she's managed to create an entire person inside me, that isn't me. It's her. I never paid much mind. I've been running my whole life from this. I thought this darker reflection was just my anger, my pain. And it sort of is. But it's worse.

I feel her. She often would ambush me in the dark. I'll skip details. But so.. sometimes I just swear, in a dark hallway.. yknow? Does any of this make sense, prolly not. You can't really get it unless you've lived it, ig, like with anything. I just don't know what to do. I'm just these broken pieces and now I have to just.. figure it out. Yeah, I get it, we're all doing that. But also.. I've literally never met anyone my age, and hardly even older folk, who've seen the shit I have. And, frankly, it's probably because those types of things are buried under the rest of society. When the news is yelling about the other side of the world, I guess it's easy to forget the wars and worse happening in the gutter, right here at home.

The fuck. Anyways. This was about the most put together thing I've written in a while.. Idk what my future holds. Sometimes I.. feel I should.. yk. Leave this place. My way. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to speak these evils to my therapist, I've been writing them down, bit by bit..I'm afraid that when it all comes out, it won't stop. I'm afraid of all that I've suppressed- who fucking knows, what have I been hiding even from me??? God.. but I mean.. fuck, dude. I did everything alone. That has to mean something right?

I had every opportunity to become like her. She even tried for years to make me her enforcer. She said it was her dream, isn't that just fucked? To want, WANT your CHILD to kill families, rivals? What insanity. But I refused. I took more than a few beatings for that, and.. worse. But God saw that shit, I swear. Somehow.. no matter the horror.. no matter how truly fuckin close I've been to hell, to danger, to the worst of humanity, brother I cannot give up. I want to, SO BAD. But I guess I'm made of stern stuff. Man i feel so stupid saying all of this, sometimes, you know, you say something and your brain reminds you how much sense it makes, and i find myself feeling dumb after. Then again, I ah, I'm so fucked up.. I can hardly string a thought this long and organized at all. Why is that?? Why is it now, right now, I'm not a blubbering mess like every other time? Is that what healing feels like? Idfk. I don't trust myself at this time because it's all mixed inside, yknow? It feels easier to generalize. Like, I basically skimmed over my shit. If I get into specifics, like other posts.. oh I'm fucked. Weird.. but maybe not. Okay, rant done

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