Second Guessing Having a Kid
The story
My husband and I had an our baby four months ago. The entire time I was pregnant he acted like he was so excited and going to be such a good dad. Everyone had such high expectations for him. Now that she’s actually here, he’s just mean to both of us. She’s a really easy baby and isn’t fussy very often, but the moment she does anything other than smile he gets annoyed. He’s constantly in a bad mood and when I ask why he always says it’s because of her. He’s started taking it out on me and is so short tempered and distant with me. He doesn’t ever really hold her or interact with her unless I downright force him to and even then he just puts her in her swing/bassinet/etc. within five minutes. It’s to the point that both of our families have asked if he even really holds her or pays attention to her. It’s making me really second guess the fact that I married him and feel guilty for choosing him as the father of my child. To make matters worse, he wants more than one kid.
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Wow, that sounds really tough to deal with! It's so disheartening when expectations don't match reality. It's crucial for both partners to put in the effort in parenting; it must be hard juggling all of this on your own. Have you tried sitting down and having an open conversation with him? Maybe there's something deeper going on that he isn't sharing. Hang in there; it might help to seek support or counseling to navigate these feelings and understand what's really happening at home. You're doing amazing despite the challenges!!! 💔
We’ve talked about the situation a decent bit. It seems like he’s stuck in a cycle of getting annoyed with her, getting annoyed with himself for it, and then feeling like a bad dad. I’ve asked him if he’s talked to other people - friends, close coworkers, people he looks up to that are dads - for advice or support and he does but it just isn’t really helping. I’m not sure how to help him other than suggest him taking a break/space and seeking guidance/counsel from others but it isn’t really seeming to help. What you said, about expectations not matching reality is helping me realize I need to give him more grace and patience, thank you.
It sounds like an incredibly challenging situation... Could it be that both of you are experiencing some form of postpartum changes? Not just moms, but dads too can feel overwhelmed after the arrival of a baby. The phrase "sleep deprivation is a reality" might ring true here; perhaps he’s adjusting in his own way. Communication can often help in understanding such hesitations. Maybe you both could benefit from some professional guidance or parenting classes to navigate this new chapter together. It might be worth exploring his perspective; is he willing to reflect on his behavior???
He is willing to reflect on his behavior and we’ve realized he is in a cycle where he gets frustrated with her, gets frustrated with himself for it, and then feels like a bad dad. He is the type of person that doesn’t believe in mental health/counselors/professional guidance, so I’ve pointed him toward other men we know that are fathers instead. It just feels like there’s nothing I can really do to help and it’s disheartening
hey, I get why you're upset, but maybe there's more going on here. sometimes, new dads feel the pressure and don't know how to cope… but he clearly needs to change asap, that’s definitively not OK… 😢
I think a lot of it is that he doesn’t know how to cope with his frustration. I’ll definitely be looking into things that could help him & us
hey there, i get that you're dealing with a tough situation, but sometimes things aren't as clear as they seem. being a new parent can be a massive adjustment for everyone involved. is it possible he's feeling some kind of unexpected postpartum stress? emotional responses can get intense during such transitions; maybe that’s what's going on. perhaps opening up a dialogue about both your feelings might illuminate things. hang in there—relationships evolve, and so can your situation with some understanding and communication. have you thought about what might help him connect more with your baby?
i see now that i am not the only one to say that and u already replied to them! take care and good luck with your situation... i hope everything will be alright!
I believe you, op. And tbh, not only do I not think you should not get pregnant with this man again, but also I think you should start thinking of ways to gtfo of this marriage. Idk, there's something eery about someone acting so excited about his coming baby (like he's acting a part), only then to lash out not only on his wife who gave birth no long ago, but a 4 month old baby. The reason you gave is... if she doesn't laugh, he gets mad? Does this person understand human emotions beyond a cartoon world level where everyone is just happy and gleeful all the time? I bet he thinks you're ungrateful too anytime you have a complaint and it didn't start after you delievered your baby. Finally, why does he want more children? I'm sorry, but is it a fetish? Does he want to tie you down even further? Anyway, it sounds like he was performing an act (how he thinks a good husband and dad should act), but reality hit hard, and he can't keep up the act.