I've been feeling this way for months, more or less since i entered this new phase of my life (high school), and to be honest, I thought it would be pretty much the same as previous years. For the past year or two, ive felt lonely. I have friends and some classmates to talk to, but friends i can talk to about this? i don't have any, and my best friend is going through a tough time right now so im not one of her priorities.

Let's get to the point. I've taken these classes after regular school hours as part of a volunteer program—sometimes in class and sometimes outside of school—but that's pretty rare, so it's usually just at school. I’ve had these friends—I’m going to use different names that are almost the same: Amy and Mila. Amy has been my friend since I was 12, and we were paired up for middle school. I met Mila in 7th grade, and at that time I was going through a lot: stress, changes, the end of important friendships, and I was starting to feel lonely.

I started relying heavily on Amy and Mila; they were the only refuge I had, so when I had a little problem with my friend (I’ll change her name too) Sarah, I leaned on Amy way too much. I knew Amy had this friend I personally didn’t get along with—we were just classmates, but we couldn’t find anything in common to get along as friends the way she and Amy did.

I made up with Sarah when we moved up to 8th grade, but by then I was already pretty dependent on Amy. I couldn’t go anywhere she wasn’t, and when we were in groups or paired up, I’d get really anxious because I didn’t know if Amy would pick me or her other friends. It was awkward being in a group with her friends because, aside from not getting along with Amy’s best friend, I also had to be with (again, name changed) Nicholas, who had liked me and was my best friend, but because of a silly message, we drifted apart.

Sarah wanted me as her friend, and I felt the same way; we were close when Amy wasn't around. All that changed when we moved up to 9th grade (which is where I am now), and things changed drastically.

I was still me, and I think that’s the problem: I don’t have the same tastes as most of my classmates. I isolated myself quite a bit after I stopped hanging out with my old group of friends, and I had almost nothing in common with the people around me, so when they switched us up, I saw it in a way I didn’t want to see it.

In this class, after school, I ended up with Amy and Mila. Amy was still pretty much herself, a little change in her hair and all that, and Mila was still Mila. I thought I’d feel comfortable, but it was the exact opposite, and I immediately noticed how the two of them, having been together since the start of 9th grade, had become even closer. I wanted to be indifferent about it, but I can’t anymore because I feel alone in my class, and feeling like they’re leaving me out is even worse. They used to be my refuge from everything that was happening to me, and now I can’t be with them without feeling like an intruder, it’s horrible and awful. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, and neither of them picks me when they form groups. I know it’s not their fault, but I feel terrible.

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