So I've been distrustful of certain things, which aren't anyone's fault, but I think the universe's.

You see, I have great friends, but for the 2 attempts I've had to hang out with them, it's never worked out. They say their families had other ideas or we simply couldn't do it. My family is anyways paranoid, wondering if their families won't even let them leave, and always say "But there are lots of kids who stay with their families!" Oh yeah? I see them, then they're gonna grow up like me and my aunt who don't socialize with anyone. Do they want me to hermit away? Be responsible for their messes? My friends are great, but you know, we're all just different atoms with different chemicals just interacting after all. And what if, just like the rules of everything that exists, I happened to be one of the people who was born to just not have any good times with FRIENDS?

I can only have fun with family. In my whole life as of now I've hung out with family, been on holidays with family, stayed with family. Family first is great, until you realize that means any friendship, any connection when you grow up, is scrutinized and burnt to ashes. when I'm 20, I won't be able to hang out with them, because guess what, it just burns away! Because the universe aligned itself to do it for me and a bunch of other hermits like my aunt! And like, what's the point? I should try out the NUCLEAR OPTION, just nuke every contact, why would they care? They've got a great gig going on, I'm just the weirdo with them who displaces things for them. Now there's this thing I want to go to with them, but you know what? How about I ditch them in September, flip them off and head out with mom? They're nice, but I can't have it anyways since the universe still thinks I haven't cracked it yet, so screw all of them.

There's this thing I wanna head out with them on that month and due to my 14 year long predicament (my entire life, basically), I have a feeling I can't. I don't know, I just made my mind. Going with them is a bad idea because it means I can't head out with them. Planning with friends so far has never worked out. What shot have I got growing up? I'll just live alone or with mom and dad, they'll need me soon. My aunt anyways stays with my grandparents, even though grandpa's been real exhausting sometimes. She's done it for decades now. That's my future. Taking care of my family. At least I'm not alone in that sense, because family is first, right? Gotta keep it no. 1 priority.

We are all just atoms reacting with one another to create thoughts and metabolism. Those atoms are shaped how everything works. Why we fall back onto Earth instead of fly away, gravity exists. Why we're able to think, it's just atoms reacting together to make us somehow work. I feel like I'm holding on with duct tape, and every time I see a friend group happy, that tape breaks even further and I just keep going at it. I wish they suffer sometimes. I wish they have to live life with the fact outside connection is impossible. To wonder why every time you think positive, when you're at your happiest, life will remind you that you're just atoms and that you have a set of rules given.

Rules such as these which I have so far:

1. I can't ever have an outing w/ friend

2. Can only have good days with family, ONLY FAMILY

3. Your friends are either great people who sometimes can't make it due to the universe's set of rules against me and a bunch of others

4. Or they can hang out with you but they're a-holes

5. That you are nothing more than just atoms so life has no meaning to it.

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