How to help someone with a porn addiction?
The story
i’ve been sitting on this for a while because i don’t even know if it’s my place to bring it up, but it’s been eating at me. a close friend—let’s call him ben—confided in me about his struggles with porn addiction. he didn’t use those exact words, of course. he said things like, “i think i overdo it” and “it’s messing with how i see people.” i didn’t know how to react. i just listened, nodded, told him it’s okay to talk about it. but the truth is, i felt wildly underqualified. i don’t have experience with addiction. i don’t even know what’s considered “normal” anymore with all the stuff floating around online. still, i want to help him. i’m just not sure how.
we talked again a few days later. he mentioned trying to stop but always ending up “relapsing” after a few days. that’s when it hit me—it’s not about willpower. something deeper’s going on. i asked if he’d thought about therapy. he shrugged and said he didn’t think it was “that serious.” is it ever “that serious” in your own mind until someone else tells you it is? i didn’t push him but i planted the seed. maybe that was enough, maybe not. i don’t know. he also talked about how it’s affecting his relationships, how he finds it hard to feel emotionally close to someone when his brain is so rewired. that’s what he said—rewired. like it’s not just a habit, but a full-on shift in how he thinks and feels. scary stuff, honestly;
then came the real curveball. he asked me to hold him accountable. to check in with him, to “help him track progress.” and i wanted to say yes, i really did. but i also knew that puts me in a spot i don’t fully understand. like, what if he fails and feels ashamed to tell me? what if i say the wrong thing and make it worse? i’m not a sponsor or therapist. i’m just a friend. so i told him that, plainly. i said i’d support him and check in when i can, but he needs to be the one steering the ship. he seemed to get it. we talked about maybe finding some online communities—there’s got to be a subreddit or forum somewhere, right? not just for the addiction part but for figuring out how to build healthy habits again. i think that’s the bigger picture here—replacing the behavior with something real, something grounding.
but here’s the thing i keep circling back to: how do you really help someone with a porn addiction? not just nod and say “i’m here for you,” but actually support them in a way that leads to something better? is it about sending resources? is it just being a steady presence? or is there a line where being supportive turns into enabling or putting yourself in an emotional spot you’re not ready for? i don’t have the answers. i’m not sure anyone truly does unless they’ve lived through it. but if you’ve been there, or helped someone who has, what did you do that actually made a difference? what should i avoid? i want to be there for ben, but not at the cost of either of us getting pulled deeper into a place we’re not ready for.
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Points of view
wow, that's some heavy stuff you're dealing with 😬 sounds like you're trying your best tho. tbh, addiction is no joke, and it screws with your brain in ways we don't even get. been there sorta, not with porn, but had a mate obsessed with gaming. couldn't quit, like he was glued to his screen, losing jobs and stuff. i tried to help, but it's like... what can you even do????
you're right, sending resources might help, but just remember you're his friend, not a therapist!!! sometimes being there and listening is the best you can do, but don't let yourself drown in his problems. i’ve seen people crash when they confuse being supportive with taking on someone else’s load. maybe suggest professional help again, but gently? and yeah, finding like-minded folks online???? that’s gold.
just make sure you’re okay too, alright? can't help someone if you're sinking as well... props to you for sticking by him tho.🙌
hmm, not sure i’m totally on board with your approach here. sounds like you’re taking on a lot for someone else's "problem." i get wanting to help, but where’s the line? you saying “it’s okay to talk about it” is cool, but does that really tackle the issue??? seems doubtful.💭
accountability? sure, maybe some folks swear by it, but isn’t that more about him than you? feels like you might be walking into a minefield. i mean, "rewired" brains don’t just fix cuz someone’s checking in! and "online communities"? could be hit or miss, tbh. seen ppl go down rabbit holes there...
so just think about how far you’re willing to go with this, you know? it’s his journey, his responsibility. make sure you’re protecting your own space too, or you’re just dragging yourself into the mix. boundaries, my friend!!!
ugh, not totally buying your approach here!!! i mean, tackling addiction is tricky, but are you sure you aren’t biting off more than you can chew by getting so involved? sounds like you’re accepting a whole therapist vibe when you're just a friend, you know?!! 🤔
look, "it's messing with how i see people," he says. maybe he’s exaggerating??? people love to do that when they want sympathy or help without actually fixing anything themselves. your friend needs to step up and face his own issues!!! sure, be there to listen but don't drown in his drama. “holding him accountable” might not even work if he ain't willing to change. can’t be riding someone’s emotional rollercoaster if they don’t even want to get into the driver’s seat themselves. refs to “taking charge” and “being responsible” should be thrown his way, big time!!!
keep things clear on what you’re gonna do for him and what you won’t!!!! it’s honestly great you're trying but focus on realistic ways he can help himself, like pro help or finding concrete goals. otherwise you’re just spinning your wheels in the mud.
honestly, i feel like you're almost taking on too much here. sounds like you're really involved in his journey, but remember, it's his "problem" to tackle, not yours. offering support is cool, but don't let it drag you down.
"it's messing with how i see people," he says. yeah, that's intense, but he needs to take the reins and address it directly. have you considered that maybe he overemphasizes how dire it is? his willingness to change matters a lot.
suggest "professional help" again if you haven’t. it’s great you're trying to stand by him, but keep those boundaries tight. don't spread yourself thin, friend. you're not obligated to be his emotional crutch, just a supportive buddy. keep him accountable, sure, but ensure he knows he has to lead the charge. honestly, that's the most hopeful path.