I'm making cards for some friends, and when I showed it to dad, he said it's not worth it because they won't value it even if they like it. I gave a small poster to a friend cus he wanted one. It's okay if he doesn't value it when I come back to school. It just tells me people aren't trustworthy outside of family. Family first, my family says. Dad really focuses on that mentality. I know my friends are nice, but since dad's lived longer than me he knows better. What's the point? I should just ditch the card and nuke all contacts. My disappearing will mean nothing to them. My disappearance will be me removing all contacts and never speaking with friends again, cus family first. That was for my Ivan friend cus he's a fan of Ivantill ship. It's okay, dad says friends are for fun. This isn't fun.

But dad says such people are weird or pathetic. We don't get gifts from friends, except my brother, he got a watch, a Lego set. Mom even got a brownie cake once and a few necklaces once. I don't know about dad though, and my friends haven't either. That means I'm disposable. I will never hang out with scumbags who see me as disposable. If they view me that way, they're disposable as well. Gifts are irrelevant if they never give anything back and even if they like it, what's the value? It's give and take, eye for eye, otherwise you're putting effort for scumbags who don't care for you. They act nice but I will never fall for that act. Not after so long ago I had been taken advantage of. I should never give it.

No one has given us gifts though. Sure some friends have and some relatives have, but it's not worth it cus they don't value it, especially friends. They're not in your family, they can never be in legal togetherness with you, not like family in records and passports, that's what dad says. Maybe I'm wearing rose-tinted lenses that hide the red flags. I feel like backstabbing them and yet when I see them be kind to me, I feel bad for holding a knife for them. I want to tell them to get lost and yet they seem nice to me. I have already worn glasses that made the outside world look red-flagged, I was so paranoid I didn't even speak to them. I didn't even know Genya liked me as a friend until I just went with her in a field trip and I had no one to hang out with, I just said yes cus she was confused what to do.

Do they have to be this high maintenance? Because right now dad's tempting me to leave them early. From his experience he says friends don't value whatever you give them, as much as they like it. I've had people smile at me but never connect whenever I talked about my interests. That's why I stopped. They would smile and just anyways think I was weird. Then they'd go back to pretending I was nothing to them. These people of mine are getting close to that territory. I love them but what if they're tolerating me? My family can only truly love me. How can random strangers from school feel it? We don't even touch often, even though we would've both felt weirded out by aggressive touch. Dad says such touch is considered love. We can't put friends in legal togetherness files, like husband and wife. We can't! I'm just the oil to their water, never able to blend. Even as an adult soon, I would never trust them, because dad says they never value me. They're traitors. They are the same to those who say yes to me before talking about their nonsense and their school accomplishments, like anyone would care. The world was always divided. This shows the division. They will always rat out someone. I'm planning to prepare a nuclear script before NUCLEAR OPTION.

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