:) Rot

You know, one friend hasn't messaged me for 2 days. I don't know why. Maybe he's finally exhausted of me. I was earlier messaging him after every 1-2 hours, maybe I'm troubling him. But he seemed fine in school. He gave me one message today that he can't meet with me, but honestly, it could also mean he doesn't like me and he's too awkward to say so. He even messaged yesterday he was busy for many hours. So because I felt very bad, I slept trying to convince myself he's not leaving you, but honestly, it's a tough belief to keep up. I felt very tired wanting to message again. I was always messaging "Hi" or "Are u here?" Maybe I should get rid of this whole thing. The belief I can ever do it with anyone. That way I can focus on family, I think I'm ignoring them, that's what they tell me. Dad thinks I'm being mean. I think I'm holding on too hard. I should leave this full thing, leave him alone. Not everyone is actually nice.

I've been considering the NUCLEAR OPTION, which is leaving everyone behind. As in, I remove all contacts until I forget them, and never speak to them in school, since they've got their own lives going on without me. But my brother tells me to take it slow, message him less, and trust that he's not hateful of me. But what if he just ignores my messages because I message him "Hi" every 1 hour? Even my mom said he could be away at a staycation or busy somewhere or I don't know. I'm sorry to all of you I don't have the luxurious talent of being able to trust friends that they like me and to even have many friends which are meaningful! My brother thinks it's that easy? He says it takes time, yet he's the hot shot in his class and grade. It's always the popular kids who have it easy with life. It's always them with the delusional answers.

I don't even know how my brother's acting so respectful about a friend. I told him that guy is a trans boy, and while my bro did joke about it earlier, he proceeds to still call him a guy, they've never met! My brother's 12 and somehow, I feel like they'd get along better. Me and that friend may have similar interests and we have cool discussions, but my brother is more fun. I see him everyday play games with his friends and having fun online, meanwhile I'm just quiet like a loser next to him. I should inspire him, not give him an example of what not to be. Why is he even giving advice to me? He's not even met my friend. My friend may say he enjoys more quiet stuff, but my bro gets along with everyone somehow, so I lack somewhere. He's the popular funny kid, so when he says stuff like "I bail out of outings a lot!" or "I have some days I don't even play with them!", it sounds fake. I trust people out of family very less when they're quiet like that. It's like the world moves so fast, and I just failed to catch up. I'm older, I should be the idol, not him.

I felt so tired of crying I slept for 2 and a half hours. I don't know why, I just did. I love them so much, but sometimes it feels I'm not doing enough or I'm doing too much. Meanwhile they somehow got it figured out. Where did I go so wrong? I'm the reason a small boy I once knew thinks that I never changed. I hurt him. I hurt everyone. I cling too hard. If you'd seen that boy's face now, you'd feel the same too! Like you've done nothing but harm. That he remembers a version of you that you now hate so much.

My brother messaged me this. yeah but that boy is gone now he prolly dosent even remember u why wud he care then why did u msg him like that? (asking why I was messaging my friend every 1 hr) bro he dosent respond and u start crying.. hes been gone for 2 hrs thats not that mmuch so? js dont msg him as often now problem solved if theyre happy w u then how r u a burden (I then say I’ve been left out before. They act nice until they talk to someone else and it’s like I dont exist) then try to balance it why do u feel like giving up that means that u dont wanna be friends w rthem they like u for who u are why tf do u hate who u r wtf do u mean by superficial why do u hate that u have friends man it cud genuinly be a mistake (the moment one friend swapped a digit on accident in her number) bro its ur choice if u want friends lemme tell u smth imagine u have money u can buy a car u can drive but u say that i dont deserve the car how tf are u not worthy of buying a goddamn car (I then say "Maybe ur not good at driving, just like how I can’t decide whether I should worry or do the NUCLEAR OPTION and nuke all contact with them") r u gud in the head if ur not gud at driving but yk how to after some time ull get used to it and be better everyone starts fresh the nuclear option for that case is to spend all that money on nothing and js thinking what shud i do with it that money will go nowhere itll get u nothing cus u can already afford everything the only thing u wanted was now gone dont do the nuclear optio neven i started off like u im not born with it no one is because i didnt worry about all these things and dont say u cnat cus if ull never try ull never know and dont say uve tried too hard uve only lived 14 years and maybe somewhere itll all go fine its like a roller coaster aadhya ur so scared to go on i but when u do its fun and u wanna do it over and over again listen dont message if he dosent msg tomo then msg day after if he asks where wewre u yesterday js say i was out.

Yeah, life is so easy like a roller coaster. There's also a high risk of falling out or the ride slipping and going back. Now my friend's gonna think I'm weird for asking him, and then he'll block me and leave me out of everything. I am too much and too little. Never enough. And because you're so desperate on whether I wanna die or not, I think I'd rather be lonely than die. As harsh as it is, every adult does it. My grandparents have no friends, my mom doesn't go with anyone. I'm just the same unlucky person in the cycle. I don't possess the blue blood of my brother. I didn't message him at all today, but honestly, what if when he said he's busy, he meant "busy ranting to my other friends about how much I hate you".

I gave them one message now to both homies, they haven't responded. I know it's a 2 month holiday, but why, why does it feel so urgent to me? I gotta get everything done. Otherwise I'll just fade away. Like I did last time for a long while. I gotta look after my brother cus he's out with his group. Why is it that he ends up going a few times, while my track record of friends so far is...0. I've spent far too much time with family.

My family is suspicious. They don't message if they're busy or not and they only inform sometimes. One girl swapped her phone digits. Another one hasn't messaged me for 3 days already. One girl put it on silent but she responds sometimes. One girl said she messages very less and now in school she doesn't greet me at all and her classmates are kinda mean to me. And my first ever friend betrayed me by using my rage against me because she knew I was a moron then! And my mom says I can do what I want, so the NUCLEAR OPTION seems ideal. We have to approach this like a battlefield. We gotta understand their next move. If one of them is silent for a week, it's over. Done! I already understood this in my comments. You know what my second comment ever was on a video? Coisa estranha da porra is what he said. The first comment may have said AYYYYY THATS LOOKS TEAAAAA but we have to acknowledge the bad. Then that means the 2 months I spent was wasted on worrying and sleeping instead of having fun like everyone else. I don't wanna waste 2 months. If I was more direct, I'd have messaged them every 10 minutes. Then my brother and every other pathetic female out there would've had fun while I rotted away again! That was god's mistake for making me wrong.

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