Sometimes I wish my friends weren't mentally struggling
The story
Look guys, before I come across as ableist to you, just know I'm aware of their problems and I know they're real struggles. I just wish they weren't so unpredictable and I know why they're upset, and not just blame it on myself all the time.
For a while I've struggled with friends. Ever since I was young, it's been that way. That's why in school, even with tight-knit friends, sometimes a few of them struggle a lot. Hell, one of them has left school probably due to mental health problems sinking their grades. It sucks. I really enjoyed their company, because I knew them since kindergarten but it was only a bit recently that we truly got along and I felt less nervous to be around them. Back then, they told me they had some mental diagnosis and they take some meds, which I understand bc I suffer eczema and I also take some medications (I know they take mental meds, it's just that we both take medicines for chronic illnesses), but I honestly felt awkward around this person for many years earlier
Initially it was because they were a close friend of my crush, who's now just a friend of mine (her and I are just friends now, I moved on), but back then, I thought I hurt her feelings by confessing to her and telling her about a...certain crush dream I had (if you catch my drift, and yes I feel horrible about it), and she had replaced me with the friend who has now left school, and I was "the disgusting filthy human being". That was one of the many things that caused me to be in a depressive state for I think 1.5 years. It was me thinking she left me, I was all alone, I was isolating myself from everyone, my grades were dropping, I stopped drawing for a while, and I felt distant and alone even with family and even went through a spiral of thinking I was a god of some sorts, that my pain was me "thinking straight" when it wasn't. I don't know how I got out of it now, but I'm okay now.
Anyways, being with some friends, knowing at least one of them has a diagnosed mental illness or something, is kinda harsh. I already have a fear of being left out by friends, but to be with a group of people that's unpredictable is...scary. I hate that I'm scared of it. I know it's not their fault. But I know one of them has a diagnosis, one of them probably has dyspraxia, and another has just a generally kinda crappy household. My closest friend (not ex-crush) is fine, but she doesn't know I also struggle with everything else from my other friends. One of them is distant from me for some reason, and I can't help but think to myself about every wrong thing I did, no matter how small. If friends is school according to dad and movies are "petty, shallow and only for fun", what if she's quiet because she found the smallest of reasons to hate me? Then my very existence burdens her. I hate that I'm a burden. I just don't like how unpredictable things are, and I wish at least it made sense. That it should be more...predictable.
I hate feeling like a burden, but to whoever friend is struggling right now, in their home, school or mind, live with love. I clearly burden you too much.
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Points of view
I get you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells with your friends, but it sounds a bit harsh to expect predictability from people dealing with mental health issues, you know? 🤔 Relationships can be messy and unpredictable sometimes regardless of diagnoses or not. Maybe instead of assuming you're a burden (which I'm sure you're not), try having an open convo about what's going on. It might clear up some misunderstandings and put your mind at ease!
Reading this i think your issue is more with yourself than your friends. You felt a lot of guilt and depression and really suffered last time you felt abandoned. Now you're scared of abandonment and want everyone else to be happy all the time so you can feel more confident that you won't have to face that fear. Well, happy people do things we don't expect too. And pain is part of life. We deal with that pain by loving ourselves and trusting we can figure situations out - including fear, heartbreak, unpredictability, shame, and loss. You haven't said anything wrong with anyone's depression but your own. You're paranoid about losing people and have wrongly associated THEIR mental illness with an inevitable bad outcome for YOU. You need to work on letting go ans being okay with taking the risk of caring about people. You have always risked getting hurt with every friend you ever made in the past - You're just more aware of that now. It happens, but you can get past it
not to be harsh, but life ain't a script and you can't expect people to act a certain way just for your comfort.
i get it, life with friends can be unpredictable. but isn't that what makes it exciting too? i guess it's a balance we're all trying to figure out.