Thank goodness for the groups that are looking for me.

I feel like he's a good friend, but I feel like he's lacking something to be with me. We struggle to connect, and although it's exciting, I'm not one to stay in my comfort zone with someone. It becomes addictive in a way, which isn't what I'm looking for in a person, and in fact, that's how my relationships are structured. I feel like he's the one who does all the thinking and reflection; it's me and only me. And doing that with someone else, well, the experience itself might be casual and fun, but it's a recipe for conflict. Because it's about pretending we can handle all the differences, about pretending we can maintain our comfort zone, about maintaining those spaces where we don't talk about things, and that's not what I'm looking for, that's not what interests me. I'm interested in something that leads me to reflection, and a comfort zone prevents that. I feel like I'm preparing to defend myself against the subject, and the subject is doing the same, in order to safeguard each profile, and that's not the idea. Hence, the issue is purely occasional, and at the same time, it helps me understand why the relationship tends to become conflictive, or at least establish points of conflict, or enemies, and things like that. In a way, I feel like we operate based on hatred of others and, in part, of ourselves because we're always on the outside, given our reflections, and that's not the idea. Rather, I aspire for the issue not to be primarily about that, but something occasional. I can do that with an AI that is inherently neutral, but it generates emotions, and the idea of ​​a relationship, it seems to me, is that it serves as a calming influence, without encroaching on the space.

The gentleman very kindly gave me his number, helped me get food, and made me feel very comfortable. He truly made the moment pleasant, very appreciative, completely empathetic, and thoughtful. But I feel that being with him means one person leading while the other contributes, and that's not the idea, or rather, it should be the other way around. I also admit that I feel bad saying no to him, so there's a sense of conflict all around, somehow. And this gentleman certainly has things to do; he has a life, just like I do. These attempts at being pleasant, which partly stem from this search for growth, but based on one language and mine on another, and also from embracing a life where the world can be a certain way. Indeed, it's an embrace of diversity, but points of friction are already apparent. I don't feel comfortable in this relationship. I can't find a way to clash with him, I can't find anything that would make me move. Indeed, there will be encouragement for certain behaviors and rejection of others; there will be radical boundaries, but the attraction itself, based on that anger of being us, is present. I don't see the point in maintaining this in something like the street; it's a different story if it were in a closed space, which is where I have to take action.

I confess that I'm distancing myself, as well as from another relationship, because I'm already with someone like this, someone we're attracted to because of these opposing principles. It's just that in her case, it's due to socialization. Apparently, opposing principles can be expressed in different ways, depending on the context, as I'll explain. I feel that this girl, I admit it, has me completely absorbed, and I don't want to leave, under any circumstances, for fear of what might happen if I'm not with her, for fear that the world will take advantage of my difference, which isn't imposing, while hers is. No one can defend me in the street for being different, but she can. With her, I feel safe, completely, and also have the chance to continue dissolving, in total freedom. So, leaving the group just like that, betraying her by joining another group, is something I can't do. I feel that I love her, too; in fact, you could say we love each other. I can't leave her because I'm not going to find someone like her out there, I'm unlikely to. I would like to feel free to leave, but I can't. My difference isn't recognized, but hers is; it's a matter of luck. She can go to any office and nothing happens to her, while I always have to be on guard. I wish this weren't my reality, but it is: I'm in a society that seeks to dominate difference when it can't defend itself, as has been the case with all forms of diversity throughout history.

She's my best friend because she's the only one who can defend me, the only one capable, in the midst of everything, of doing whatever she wants, and that's partly true. I wish reality were different, but no group offers me that kind of empathy, because more than anyone, she knows what it's like to be outside the norm and to be kicked around for it. She knows how to navigate this aggressive world, at least in this country; I'm not allowed to, there's no encouragement for it.

I feel like I love her, because I have no other choice. I feel like I value her immensely because I have no other choice. I feel like I can't explore other worlds, as my adventurous spirit desires, because I'm not allowed to be coerced like she is. I'm always on edge, worried someone will make a comment, but that doesn't happen with her. That eagerness to say whatever she wants, after careful consideration, is unique to her. I was in that situation and decided to leave, and what a grave mistake it was. Being open to life, while beneficial to many, ultimately shattered it into a thousand pieces. Because she's closed off, she has the upper hand. I never want to feel like that again, especially not with someone who, in essence, doesn't allow me to exercise my freedom as I want, as she allows me to. I had no choice but to give in to her. She knows how to manipulate things in a way that makes you feel different, and no one can do anything about it. That's why I betrayed my boss at the office, radically, with a completely ruthless spirit, knowing that his issue was something else entirely, in support of me, in retaliation for her going her own way. The reactions were of the same magnitude, however, what my boss did wasn't enough. She managed to make me feel different and therefore excluded; it was a pressure I couldn't bear. My boss didn't take it into account and never would, initially because he himself denied me the very thing that would have been communication, that would have compensated for everything, that would have stopped her from making me feel cast aside. He was her main collaborator, even if it wasn't his intention, but rather he collaborated with her, making me feel marginalized, broken, and powerless. That's why I reacted in order to make him do it that way, so that he would have no choice but to give in to the environment, because for my part I felt that I was already giving in, because I had nothing more to say.

I also find that guy rather possessive, very perfectionistic, he sees too many things, way too many. It's a paradise that won't last. Indeed, this young woman knew how to navigate the situation, radically, she knew how to play her cards right. She created conflict between my boss and me, and she came out on top dramatically. Of course, it so happened that my boss didn't rely on the established work structure, while she did, and that's why I chose her. In times of crisis, there's no time for support that isn't external to the structure, for being at the mercy of what might be said about one's image, for simply using it for its sake. Because of this selfishness, I decided that my boss definitely wasn't going to abandon me, as had happened in the past, and this is what has led me to lose all empathy for him, to the point of only looking out for the structure and nothing else. Because with him, when it comes down to it, he's the only one who matters, even though the structure allows for some flexibility. That's why he was able to denounce his own behavior, that he was acting in isolation from his surroundings.

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