This is something I noticed growing up and even now; it's that I feel like relationships/dating feel more fun than friendships. This is more about online connections. In real life? I think both could be equally as fun. I feel bad for feeling this way tho because it's known that I should want them both equally but I don't.

Maybe it's the secretive aspect I like, talking to guys I find attractive online since I'm closeted and a way to express that. It could be because there are clear rules on what to do in dating but with friendships...it feels like a free world where I don't know what the objection is, referring to really online ones. I can't maintain a proper relationship cause of my insecurities (romantic or platonic).

I tried talking to people online and making friends again but it all seems useless, I'm not enjoying anything, I'm just going by the rules and texting, asking, all that stupid social shit. I don't actually feel anything for the person I'm talking to so I just leave because what's the point? I know now that time doesn't mean anything, time doesn't equal a good friendship. I thought about what I actually wanted to do with friends and it's actually simple and what I wanted to do since I was young which was play video games and even voice chat but I feel like I need to do the normal and boring stuff before playing any games of voice chatting, otherwise I'll just be seen as weird and fast. Tho it's not like I tried so maybe people won't mind.

I have interests and things I like doing but it's not like I can yap about my interests, only during specific times. Tho most my interests are low-key childish, Its a bit hard to make friends at 18. I feel like most adults are grounded in their identity and know who they are, a bit of sadness carries around them.

I just haven't been talking to people, I feel like even if I see a person irl or online, I have no idea how to approach irl, I feel like I should only do that at gatherings where it makes sense to meet people. Online? Idk why but I feel like it wouldn't end well if I tried.

Any advice is appreciated 🩷🖤

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