Chronic People-Pleaser Trying to Stop

I don't know where to start, or if there is even one singular place to start. I am the first born in a family of three with siblings that are much younger than me. My mom died when I was 12, but our second born was just 3 and the other was just 1. I had to grow up pretty quickly. My dad cut us off from all the family I knew; my mom's family, and he was never close with his to begin with, so I guess I was a bit lonely. Or a lot. My dad... Is a lot; even before my mum died, he exhibited some narcissistic traits. I mean, I think I can see it clearer now in hindsight but then I was just a child needing his love. Anyway, I was an intellectual child, but very socially awkward. I don't remember having actual friends in my formative years beyond people that wanted to copy my homework; but I had my mum and it was okay. I was her lucky charm. Every weekend she'd take me to museums and the animal orphanage despite how poor we actually were. And then she died. It wasn't peaceful, it wasn't pretty. She suffered and I had to accompany her in the bad decisions she made towards the end, always promising never to tell my dad. I remember even then knowing I could never really show how I feel. It's strange but in the funeral, I never cried.. I was just cold and empty. So empty. Sometimes I wonder if I have some undiagnosed problem. Anyway, fast forward and leaving with my dad was not bad but abusive in a sense. I mean i know we think abuse should be grand but it usually isn't. If you ask him, he'll deny everything but I have finally reached the point where I want the people pleasing to stop. I am 27 now, and I have found myself back in the neighborhood I ran from at 20. I have made many mistakes in my pursuit to belong. So much that I do not recognize the girl in the mirror. I hated home, and then I hated school. In primary I was bullied for being too tall, in high school it was for being too much, because I wanted to answer all questions and just be understood. Somewhere at 16, I learned that no one actually loved me; not the real me anyway; and I began hiding parts of me. Dumbing myself down to belong. Smiling in the face of humiliation and crying at night. I avoided conflict and I was so desperate for them to like me; and they did. Not me, but the agreeable version of me. And I learned to people-please. I think. No, I actually know that people-pleasers read the room really well. You have to if you are to avoid conflict. You must know what everyone is thinking and feeling, and somewhere around managing everyone else I stopped knowing who I was. So, I made my first and perhaps biggest mistake to this day; I started drinking to fit in. Then it was to escape.. Because throughout, fear was my motivator. And when I woke up and looked around me, my life was full of anguish and pain. I want to heal. To stop looking for validation. Because the truth is, even now all this years later, they do not understand me. They use me. And I don't want that anymore. Anyway, i have a lot to unpack, and one day when I am financially capable again, I will see a therapist. For now though, I am slowly reading the art of saying NO. So if anyone out there, stopped, please give me techniques. Or what must I ask myself when reading the book so its actually impactful? People-pleasing is a slow death. You regret so much; but the biggest is usually that you didn't even want to in the first place. Anyway, I'm dealing with a lot right now, and I just want to finally choose. Not out of fear, but because I want to

Stories in the same category