Chronic People-Pleaser Trying to Stop
The story
I don't know where to start, or if there is even one singular place to start. I am the first born in a family of three with siblings that are much younger than me. My mom died when I was 12, but our second born was just 3 and the other was just 1. I had to grow up pretty quickly. My dad cut us off from all the family I knew; my mom's family, and he was never close with his to begin with, so I guess I was a bit lonely. Or a lot. My dad... Is a lot; even before my mum died, he exhibited some narcissistic traits. I mean, I think I can see it clearer now in hindsight but then I was just a child needing his love. Anyway, I was an intellectual child, but very socially awkward. I don't remember having actual friends in my formative years beyond people that wanted to copy my homework; but I had my mum and it was okay. I was her lucky charm. Every weekend she'd take me to museums and the animal orphanage despite how poor we actually were. And then she died. It wasn't peaceful, it wasn't pretty. She suffered and I had to accompany her in the bad decisions she made towards the end, always promising never to tell my dad. I remember even then knowing I could never really show how I feel. It's strange but in the funeral, I never cried.. I was just cold and empty. So empty. Sometimes I wonder if I have some undiagnosed problem. Anyway, fast forward and leaving with my dad was not bad but abusive in a sense. I mean i know we think abuse should be grand but it usually isn't. If you ask him, he'll deny everything but I have finally reached the point where I want the people pleasing to stop. I am 27 now, and I have found myself back in the neighborhood I ran from at 20. I have made many mistakes in my pursuit to belong. So much that I do not recognize the girl in the mirror. I hated home, and then I hated school. In primary I was bullied for being too tall, in high school it was for being too much, because I wanted to answer all questions and just be understood. Somewhere at 16, I learned that no one actually loved me; not the real me anyway; and I began hiding parts of me. Dumbing myself down to belong. Smiling in the face of humiliation and crying at night. I avoided conflict and I was so desperate for them to like me; and they did. Not me, but the agreeable version of me. And I learned to people-please. I think. No, I actually know that people-pleasers read the room really well. You have to if you are to avoid conflict. You must know what everyone is thinking and feeling, and somewhere around managing everyone else I stopped knowing who I was. So, I made my first and perhaps biggest mistake to this day; I started drinking to fit in. Then it was to escape.. Because throughout, fear was my motivator. And when I woke up and looked around me, my life was full of anguish and pain. I want to heal. To stop looking for validation. Because the truth is, even now all this years later, they do not understand me. They use me. And I don't want that anymore. Anyway, i have a lot to unpack, and one day when I am financially capable again, I will see a therapist. For now though, I am slowly reading the art of saying NO. So if anyone out there, stopped, please give me techniques. Or what must I ask myself when reading the book so its actually impactful? People-pleasing is a slow death. You regret so much; but the biggest is usually that you didn't even want to in the first place. Anyway, I'm dealing with a lot right now, and I just want to finally choose. Not out of fear, but because I want to
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Points of view
man, that's a lot to unpack and it sounds like you've been carrying that weight for way too long; seriously though, realizing you're in this cycle of people-pleasing is huge and actually wanting to change it is even bigger.
Man, that's a heavy load you've been carrying for so long. It's honestly rough to feel like you never really fit in and had to become someone else just to get by. This might sound a bit cliché, but you're not alone. A lot of people go through similar things trying to please everyone around them, only to lose sight of who they truly are along the way. Drinking as an escape is something many people fall into too; it can be tough to break out of that cycle once it starts. As for learning how to say "no", one technique I've heard about is starting small: say no to little things first and build up your confidence from there. Maybe try asking yourself what truly matters to you personally each time you're faced with a decision. That way, your choices will begin reflecting what you genuinely want rather than just pleasing others again. Hang in there!you’ve got this!
It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's amazing that you're taking steps to change what you can. Recognizing the pattern of people-pleasing is critical and breaking free from it will be life-changing. Have you thought about setting small boundaries first? It might help make saying "no" feel less daunting; plus, each small success builds confidence 😊 Your journey towards self-acceptance is important, and even tiny shifts in mindset can be incredibly impactful.
hey, i totally get this. growing up quick is hard. my mom was sick too when i was 10 and it made me grow up so fast. it's tough.
It's really powerful that you've recognized these patterns and are taking steps to change them. Your story shows a lot of resilience, especially having gone through so much from such a young age. Have you ever considered exploring more mindfulness practices? They might help with understanding your own feelings separate from others'. Just finding small moments each day to focus on your breath or surroundings could bring some peace while you work through everything else.
idk if i'm getting this right but maybe your story's like different from what people usually imagine or is it possible you're being too hard on yourself?
Your story is honestly so powerful, and it's clear you've been through a lot of tough times. Growing up in such challenging circumstances must have been incredibly demanding, especially with the role you were thrust into at such a young age. It's impressive that you're consciously working on breaking free from people-pleasing. That realization alone shows a strong self-awareness and determination to change your own narrative. While you're on this journey of self-discovery, maybe try setting small boundaries first (something manageable) and observe how it feels. Little wins can gradually build the confidence you need to say "no" more often without guilt. Remember, prioritizing yourself doesn't mean you're being selfish; it means recognizing your own worth and needs. Keep taking those steps towards healing. You've got this! 😊
Damn, that's some heavy baggage you've been dragging around. Being forced to grow up too fast and having a narcissistic parent sounds like it really screwed with your sense of self. But let's get real for a sec: people-pleasing is just another way they keep you in line, so I'm stoked you're looking to break that cycle. Have you thought about what exactly you're trying to escape from when you drink? Maybe nailing that down could help steer you away from it next time. 🤔 Good luck with the book....sounds like a solid step forward!!
wow, you've been through so much for one person to handle. growing up fast after losing your mom and with a narcissistic dad sounds incredibly tough. i totally get the people-pleasing part; it can suck you into that need for external validation until you're like, "who am i even?" something that's helped me is doing little acts of self-kindness every day, things that have nothing to do with anyone else's expectations. maybe start journaling your true feelings as a way to get in touch with what you genuinely want. also, celebrating small wins could help build you back up when it feels like everything's against you;. it's all about those baby steps to reclaim yourself bit by bit!
feels like maybe you need a break or somethng?
dealing with a dad like that while growing up must've been really toxic. sounds like you've been through some serious crap and that childhood isolation didn't help at all. reading your story, it feels like you're finally ready to take back control of your life, which is huge. when it comes to saying "no," sometimes it's about setting boundaries you can stick to without guilt tripping yourself. maybe start by recognizing the stuff that's non-negotiable for you; it might be uncomfortable at first, but it'll pay off. remember, progress isn't linear, so don't beat yourself up if you slip occasionally. good luck breaking away from this cycle!
Wow, I can see there's a lot you've been holding on to. It's like you were tossed everything all at once and just expected to juggle it without dropping anything. 😤 Being the "glue" can really take its toll...always trying to keep things together while ignoring your own needs. Seriously though, don't underestimate the power of setting boundaries!! it sounds cliché, but even tiny ones add up! Have you thought about doing some memory-busting? It might help dig out what's really yours in this mess. I remember going through some intense stuff too, realizing it's okay not to be everything for everyone: that was game-changing for me! Also, who knew saying "nah, I'm good" could feel like such a rebellious act! Keep pushing through; there's light on the other side, I swear!
it's tough growing up with all that weight on your shoulders, especially when you're forced into roles you never asked for. i mean, trying to find yourself in the middle of a whirlwind is no joke. it's wild how people-pleasing can sneak up on you like that, making it feel like someone else's life. maybe think about what makes you happy, even if it seems small or silly to others. sometimes just testing out what resonates with you could help piece together who you are without all the people's opinions muddying it up. anyway, hope reading "the art of saying no" helps flip the script for you!✌️
This really resonates with me in some ways (though my experience isn't quite the same). It makes me wonder if the pressure to fit in often leads people to make such mistakes.
Honestly, it's wild how these patterns stick with us, right? Growing up in a storm like that definitely shakes you to your core; maybe that's why breaking free feels so intense. Ever tried focusing on moments where you actually felt heard and respected? Pinpointing those might remind you what healthy interactions look like. It can be grounding when you're trying to shift the script you've been stuck in. Wanting change is already half the battle!
wow heavy stuff...