craving friendship
The story
I crave friendship so badly that to the point that i don't know how to express that.
It's a kind of loneliness that follows me everywhere. Seeing people hangout with big groups and other people makes me very envious and probably even jealous because i don't have someone to do that with.
I have 3 irl friends that i hangout with sometimes. I'll call them N,B, and E.
N i know from high school and has never been mean to me. We usually watch movies together,
B and E i've known since i was about 5. We are in a trio but they are the duo in the trio. They often keep me out of the loop, so i usually dont know who and what they are talking about when they tell me a story, because E tells the stories to B but only to me when the 3 of us are together.
We were once hanging out and bought sweets to eat, the two of them shared but didint share with me. Eventually when they gave me the bag i wanted to grab one but it was of course empty.
The little things they did to annoy often got to me, B used to grab me by the neck and push me down as a joke even tho i had told i didin't like it. I don't really know if i should even concider them friends? i guess i do because i don't have a load of people i talk with, i dont even talk to them via text, we only talk when we hangout. And i guess in cling onto that.
My best friend hasnt talked to me since she went mia in february, i could never hate her for that tho. She means the universe to me and i hope she will eventually come back.
There are often days when i wonder if i'm hard to love or that i'm being dramatic, the silence feels unbearable tho. Having no one to talk or hang with because even tho i don't want to admit it i am a loner.
