Doomed to be a horrible human since birth
The story
Tw mentions of suicide and grooming
I feel like there are people predisposed to being good, then there are people like me who have to fight with every fiber of their being to go against who nature has clearly destined them to be.
I love my partner and people close to me, at least I should and there’s no reason not to, but god I think I hate them too, it’s recurring the wish that they would just die because it would make my life easier. Everytime they talk to me it’s a chore. Not that this reflects on them, they’re like a perfect person, but it’s just how I am seemingly naturally.
Other times im on the edge of my seat using every ounce of self control not to cut everyone off, run off into the woods and get myself killed because the thought is so tempting and I really wanna do it, or cut off all of my friends so I can get with another groomer because that’s really the only thing that will make me happy.
I know very well these are evil things to think very very evil selfish things that would ruin my relationships and the trust I’ve built with everyone I love , but that doesn’t change how they are the only things that feel rewarding to me like AT ALL. But on the outside I have to consciously remind myself of who I am supposed to be, a kind and perfect person that loves other people, as is the only person worth staying alive. So when they vent about how they deserve to die alone, instead of going with how I want to reply and watch them shatter ‘well yeah, you do deserve to die alone’- I go, ‘I’m sorry :( do you wanna talk about it? Im here for whatever you need.’ Because that is the normal reaction to have and the care I should have hardwired automatically, though it’s so drastically different to how I feel inside because it just????? Does not come naturally to me??? I have to wonder if literally everyone feels this way because it’s absolutely unfathomable to me why anyone would want to be alive if that was the case. People apologize like ‘sorry if im being a burden’. I’ll tell them ‘no way! Nothing can be a burden to me.’ And sometimes that’s true and I feel I can practically understand where anyone is coming from without judging. But on the other hand people having a bad day is a burden to me, people having human emotions is a burden to me, the fact I have to think about bad things happening to anyone but me is a burden to me because I want everything bad to happen to me. This is to the point I genuinely get jealous and frustrated when I see other people being abused (though ofc I know it’s not their fault and I try to help relieve their emotions and get them out of the abusive situation as a way to relieve my own unbearable jealousy. But evidently that’s not pure intent). In short, what im trying to say is everything is a burden to me, I’d rather either them die or I die than sit through another day in this shitty world that does not seem to change, and as of now I’ve lost hope in being fixed because well… my entire person is the problem . Though I proceed to go about my cheerful exterior and try to live kindly. Does anyone else feel like this or have a perspective on it? This is probably some form of derangement or something, having absolutely no selfless care for anybody, I’ll talk to my therapist about it on the 22nd. But jeez does it suck to live like this.
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Man, this sounds super intense, but I gotta say your take on this is a bit off. 🤔 People aren't just stuck being "predisposed" to bad or good—it's not some predetermined fate; we can change and grow. The fact that you recognize these thoughts as problematic is already huge. Maybe consider diving into the root cause of why everything feels like such a burden? Could be burnout or something deeper that's twisting how you're seeing things. Remember: "Not all who wander are lost." You're aware of it, so there's definitely hope if you put in the work with your therapist. Keep pushing forward!
indeed, your narrative is both nuanced and profound, unraveling the complexities of human consciousness... it's intriguing how you acknowledge these dissonant emotions yet strive to maintain a semblance of normalcy in your interactions. perhaps this dichotomy highlights an internal conflict between intrinsic desires and societal expectations, which can be taxing on one's mental health. as per the Stoics' wisdom, everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact, and everything we see is a perspective. it could be beneficial to explore these feelings further with your therapist to disentangle the layers contributing to this cognitive dissonance—your awareness itself is a beacon for potential transformation.
I could be off but you're definitely a people pleaser. You help people all the time and they don't really do the same for you so you resent them. It's not because they care less, it's because they aren't people pleasing and you aren't asking for help because of people pleasing. Of course this would cause you to be angry and burnt out. It sounds like you're just putting on a character around people but at the end of the day you feel ALL of this. Acting a certain way around a partner and friends. Even if I'm annoyed with loved ones, I don't wish death upon them or hate them pretty much all the time. If I hate someone, I Interact less or not at all whether I want to or not. Everyone dying would make your life easier because you don't have to act or people please constantly anymore. I think you want bad things to happen to you because you feel guilty thinking all this evil shit about loved ones in your life. You should know that yorie valuable on your own and don't need people please in order to keep everyone around. Someone having a bad day is supposed to be a burden, it's whether you have the capacity or not to handle it that day. How to know if it's kindness or people pleasing? Ask yourself, Is it a genuine desire to help or just fear/guilt? Will you feel good or drained/resentful? Are you compromising your own well-being? Would you feel comfortable saying no if needed? Is this a consistent pattern for you? Hope this helps<3
hey, reading through your story, I can feel the heavy weight you're carrying. it sounds like you're in a constant battle within yourself, trying to balance these conflicting emotions and societal expectations. it's tough when you feel like you're wearing a mask all the time, pretending to be this perfect person when inside everything's just swirling around chaotically. have you ever thought about exploring why you feel such intense pressure to maintain this "cheerful exterior?" sometimes digging into those reasons might reveal hidden fears or past experiences influencing your current mindset. don't lose hope; understanding that something feels off is a major step towards change. keep talking with your therapist—they might help uncover layers that lead to more clarity and peace for you in this struggle.