Maybe as a human being, I just want to live in the end

Hey, I just want to talk about it because it really makes me upset at myself. Usually, there is one character who is quiet, depressive, and suicidal by default (I'm not judging- because that's me) I started feeling this way since kindergarten because wow, my family is- words cannot describe. Here's a list of the bad things I've experienced in my life: Abusive father? Yes. Rejected by my parents? Yes. Never appreciated? Yes. Humiliated in front of many people? Yes, s3xual abus3? Yes—both verbal and non-verbal, ik it's terrible but I'm chill w it rn... the first child who HAD to keep giving in? Yes, divorce parents drama? Yes, inheritance war between siblings? Oh yasss, and worst of all, I was born a girl in a patriarchal family (this is the worst). And what can a little kid do in a situation like that? Yep, become an adult with kids body. But ik all those problems faded away over time, I had a high school romance story like something out of a manga (had to mention it hehe) so even though my family felt like crushed me every second. I still had best friends (they're angels for me), and I felt like there was at least a drop of something that made me want to live. Now, I have a pretty good life, even though the trauma is still there. I can socialize, I have many friends, I can laugh more freely (kinda want to brag). But there’s one thing—my suicid4l thoughts won’t go away, they’re still there. Even if my day is filled with smiles, the voice telling me to di3 is still there. Maybe as a human being, I just want to live in the end. But my desire to di3 is still there. Tbh, I want to live. The thought irritated me so much, maybe you guys have some advice?

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