how do i get help

i’ve been thinking about SH for a while since i last did it (a month ago). it always feels refreshing and takes my mind off of all the other problems i have in life. i want to get help but i feel like im not valid for lots of reasons. i have only cut twice and they never bled or left scars before, i am pretty young, i feel like i am part of the reason why my mental health is so bad too. i cannot handle school anymore even though i have no elective classes anymore in school. i feel like people will downplay my mental health because of how i am. i usually have all good grades and i look fine most of the time which i feel like makes it seem like i am okay. to make it worse i have a twin sister who has similar problems to me but it is more evident so she gets more attention to her problems than i do. only one of my friends and my mom realize i dont eat anything anymore. i usually just eat around 2-3 bags of the smallest hot cheeto size bags everyday and sometimes soda and some dumplings. i dont feel fat or that i want to starve myself, i genuinely just forget to eat. i also want to dress gothic so badly but im worried about what people will think and about money. i have lots of friends yet i feel so alone and that i cant talk to anyone fully about how i feel. i have only talked to someone about this 3 times before. my friend has told me she worries about me all the time because she knows i downplay when im sad and dont talk about my feelings to anyone. when im sad i typically dont show it and just be alone, when im overwhelmed or stressed i panic and start crying. i sometimes want to cut my legs or arms harder so my parents will notice and take me to a mental facility so i can get away from everything. i feel like everyday nothing matters and im starting to lose interest in the things i like. i have only been focusing on school so i wont get bored and one game and show. i stopped drawing and have been having major artblock recently. something i do all the time now is i go on gacha life 2 and make different designs of my fav characters or oc’s or write fanfics so i can focus everything onto them rather than do nothing. i genuinely want something bad to happen to me so i can get help. i stopped talking to my friends a lot and i haven’t hung out with any of them for a month. i’ve started to not feel like eating any of my safe foods which has been stressing me out because i eat most of the time because im bored and can literally not do anything else. i have only 2-3 safe foods and im starting to get bored of them. i feel so empty all the time.

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