How I really feel
The story
ive always been different. even when i was little i noticed it. i had meltdowns at school and sometimes i would run out of the classroom. everything got too loud and too confusing. kids stayed away from me. some were scared. i got bullied a lot. it made me think something was wrong with me.
i wanted friends. i wanted to be like everyone else. but i didnt know how. it felt like i missed out on learning something everyone else just knew. my parents tried to help. they got me on meds and into therapy. it didnt fix how alone i felt. it just made me feel guilty for being a problem.
growing up i barely had any friends. most of the time i was by myself. even in high school, when it seemed like everyone had groups and plans and people to count on, i had maybe two or three people i could really trust. and even then i was scared. i felt like if they ever knew the real me, they might leave too. and if they did, i would have no one.
im bi but i dont tell people. its not because im ashamed. its because im terrified of losing the little bit of connection i have. i know if i tell the wrong person, i could lose the only friends i trust. and if that happens, thats it. im alone again. completely. and i dont know if i can handle that. id rather hide it and keep something than be honest and lose everything.
the only thing that worked for me was baseball. when i played, i wasnt different. i was just part of a team. ive played since i was a kid. no vacations, no parties, no normal stuff. just baseball.
for a while that was enough.
now i know im probably not going to make it. im not getting drafted. im not going to play pro. and i dont know what to do without it. it was never just a game to me. it was my whole life.
now im studying accounting. im good at numbers, maybe because of my autism. people say its a smart choice. they say it will get me a good job. but i dont like it. its just surviving. working and paying bills and doing it all again the next day. i hate it. i hate that dreams dont matter unless they make money.
i thought about coaching but it doesnt pay enough. so i have to give that up too.
i feel stuck most days. like i missed too much already and now im building a life that wont make me happy. people told me i was going to do great things. and now if im not the best at something, i feel like im nothing.
i dont talk about this much. i dont want to make it anyone elses problem. i dont want to just survive. i want to actually live.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
it sounds like you're having a rough time, but honestly, life isn’t only about chasing dreams that "make money". i've heard loads of folks say you gotta make sacrifices for a steady life... but at what cost??? i get the whole "you gotta do what you gotta do" vibe, but doesn’t it make sense to at least try to find joy in what you do? maybe blending accounting with something you enjoy could ease the grind; no one likes feeling stuck, right? i once felt totally trapped in a job i hated, but then i started doing what i loved as a side gig, turning it into something more over time. being unique isn't a flaw, man! everyone's got their quirks, so don't sweat it too much. could discussing these feelings with your trust circle help?? maybe they'll surprise you with support. also, while i hear you about not wanting to make your feelings anyone else's problem, sharing can actually strengthen bonds; staying silent can make things heavier than they need to be. sometimes, it's all about taking small steps and seeing where they lead?? keep your chin up!
you know, everyone has struggles! :) and it's not like you're the only one dealing with stuff ;-)
accounting might be boring, but hey, it's stable, right? you're talking about being stuck like it's the end of the world, but maybe it's just because you haven't tried hard enough??? working a regular job isn’t the worst thing in the world; it's what most people do. hiding who you are because you're scared of losing friends is kinda sad but guess what? real friends wouldn't ditch you. maybe it's time to stop whining and start taking responsibility for your happiness? not everything will magically fix itself, so figure it out already!
I hope I wasn't too strong ;-)
hey, i get where you're coming from, but isn’t life also about adapting and finding new passions?!!! sure, missing out on a pro baseball career can be disheartening, but maybe it's the perfect chance to explore something new and exciting; have you ever considered that your skills in baseball could translate into something more fulfilling, like sports analytics? i was once stuck in a rut, too, thinking my dreams were slipping away. but then, i realized that branching out opened new opportunities i never imagined. you've got unique experiences and talents that could lead you anywhere! don't underestimate the power of exploring other avenues, even if they seem unrelated at first!!! on being bi and cautious, trust me, authentic connections come from being genuine, and eventually, the right people will accept you as you are. stay open, keep your mind curious, and remember, life's a journey with unexpected turns, sometimes surprisingly rewarding! 😊✨
totally get it. life sometimes feels like it's all about "surviving instead of living." dreams often get sidelined in favor of what society calls "practical." 😒 i've been there, stuck in a monotonous cycle where passion is just a fantasy against financial stability. it's unfair that authenticity isn’t celebrated enough, making you feel isolated. real friends would stick around no matter what. it's essential to prioritize what truly makes you content, rather than conforming to societal norms. same here, took a while to break free from expectations and chase what actually matters. keep pushing, you're not alone in this…