hey, so I'm having one of those days, you know? where you look in the mirror and all you see is this girl who doesn't fit the narrative of what society hypes up as beautiful. at 17, I'm surrounded by these friends who are all rocking that super skinny look. like, they've got that model-thin vibe going on without even trying, and here I am... compared to them, I feel so… blah, "chubby." it's not like I'm clinically overweight or anything, but every time I catch a glimpse of myself next to them, an alarm goes off in my head that screams, “why do I feel so fat???” it's like, no matter how many times folks tell me I look fine, my brain just won't listen. do you ever feel like this, or is it just me???

seriously though, I don't get how they're all running on caffeine and smiles. it's as if they have some secret society meetings where they hand out metabolism boosters like candy (wouldn't that be something, huh?). we all go out for coffee after school, and when they're ordering their non-fat, no-foam, whipped cream-makes-me-gain-five-pounds drinks, I'm right there with them just doing my thing. but when I get that delicious caramel macchiato, I can't help but feel guilty and a little self-conscious. does anyone else feel like every calorie you consume somehow gets added to your mental "shame tally"? or am I just overthinking everything???

and then, there are those oh-so-wonderful clothing store trips. it's like my closest friends can grab anything off the rack and it fits them like it's tailored... meanwhile, I'm over here struggling to find the right size that doesn't make me feel like a stuffed sausage. ugh! and we all know those dressing rooms aren't forgiving under those horrible, fluorescent lights. every time I go through this, I can't shake that judgy feeling, like the mirror is laughing at me behind my back. don't get me wrong, I know not everyone cares about size like it's a do-or-die situation, but in that moment, it can be all-consuming. sometimes, I just want to scream, "can I get a freaking break, please?!"

in my more rational moments, I completely get that beauty is subjective and everyone's body is unique, blah, blah, blah... but it's hard to remember when society and media reinforce this narrow standard of what it means to be “slim and perfect.” there's this insane pressure for the perfect body and although I've got a pretty healthy relationship with food (most of the time), I still get swept up in that body comparison storm. I've even had a few older, wiser folks telling me how things get better and that self-confidence comes with age. well, I'll be honest, I hope they're right 'cause feeling like the odd one out is exhausting. but for now, I'm just left wondering: why do I feel the way I do???

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