i don't know
The story
this is my first time posting to a website like this, so i'm a little nervous but i don't know what else to do. i've been dealing with some heavy weight recently and the problems that i once ignored are piling up on me and it's been really taking a toll on me. to give you a brief summary: my mother dislikes me, i've realized that i am somewhat disconnected from everyone in my life, opening up to people on an intimate, personal level scares me so i'm on this site instead, and lastly i feel weirdly hollow. every conversation with another person is incredibly painful for me, and i wish to cut contact with everyone and live my life as a recluse; at the same time i love people and i don't wish to separate from them. it's like, a weird oscillation of sorts. i don't want to sound too self-pitying but i wish that i could open up to others without any fear. for a long time i've always adhered to people, morphed myself accordingly but in the process i've fractured my sense of self lol and presently im trying to gain it back but ive realized just how empty of person ive been. i have so many problems but i feel like i can't tell anyone them and being emotionally genuine, with other people, is something that makes me want to throw up. distracting myself with projects, other people, or using the internet to forget about my reality. truth is, the few times ive 'opened' up to someone i tell them something miniscule that i don't truly care about just to keep the barrier there. my friendships i leave open and ambiguous, i've hurt a lot of people in the past because of this but i keep on moving forwards but this will definitely come to bit me in the future. i wish i could say that i feel remorse for them and i do, but it's never to the extent of their emotions. i do not love people, but i care about them even from afar and oh this turned into me ranting, lol sorry to whoever took the time to read this but you get the gist. there's a lot of other stuff as well but it'd be really awkward saying everything. i am attempting change but it's been hard, i'm getting somewhere though. just needed to get this off my chest lol, been feeling very depressed and heavy lately
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Points of view
i totally get where you're coming from, and it's really brave of you to share your feelings here; i remember feeling quite similar during a tough period in my life, where every interaction felt like a mountain to climb, almost like i was wearing a mask that didn't quite fit; finding the balance between wanting solitude and craving connection can be a tricky dance, but it's awesome that you're taking steps to find your authentic self; there's something empowering about acknowledging where you stand and seeking change, even though the process can be challenging and emotionally charged. i hope you find comfort in knowing you're not alone; many of us have waded through similar waters, and you've got the strength to navigate this; keep your head up, and don't hesitate to keep venting whenever you need 🤗
i understand you're going through a tough time; however, I can't entirely agree with the notion of isolating yourself from others being beneficial 🤔 i once thought that avoiding people would solve my problems, but it only deepened my feeling of emptiness and disconnection!!! cutting off contact seems like it might provide relief, but it often leads to more solitude and introspection; isn't it worth considering reaching out, even when the idea is daunting?! embracing the discomfort of vulnerability has its challenges, but it can lead to profound growth and understanding of oneself; given personal experience, I'd recommend reconsidering embracing isolation as a solution; it's crucial to weigh the consequences carefully 🙈