I don't know what it is but every year I get older, I start to just dislike life and get all depressed, like another year of nothing productive. It's not that I didn't do anything productive, just not really what I wanted or where I wanna be at rn.

I graduated, I've been studying, I've been driving, I have no idea what my future will really look like, I just assume trade or tech schools. Sometimes I wonder what I really want for myself. I'm gonna be 20 next year.

Apart of me doesn't really wanna live past 20, feel like I don't have much to live for or going for me. Being in the closet makes me feel horrible, it's probably why I sext alot and date online, I have a boyfriend rn even.

It's not like I grew up poor, my parents can afford whatever I need or wanna really do. Obviously I don't know how that'll go after finding out I'm queer, since they're anti. Even after driving, it feels like I'll be shit at it forever.

I was in such a positive mindset before this, but I've just been getting a bit worse through the days. I turned 19 and my life just feels bleak, it does seem my depression is back, my parents made the day before my birthday worse by arguing and just a dysfunctional family mess. Then I have a online boyfriend I overthink about or occupies my mind, thinking he could be cheating as it's online but he's all about commitment because he has a lot of trauma but at times, its hard and I just don't know if he is committed.

I noticed that me and my dad have similar mental struggles, shows up more aggressive for him because he doesn't know how to handle it or that it exists. My dad wanted me to go to school and then work instead of work and then go to school, but I don't know, that came out of nowhere and I need time to think about it, I feel like I shouldn't jump into school becuz my dad is scared I won't be anything, I still have life ahead of me and I've been homeschool for years, I need to take things one at a time, get used to people and drive. I hope I'm just making the right choices.

My mind gets all negative about future plans, even good ones, I could potentially go to technical school next year due to my parents. I think being queer makes it hard, I feel like I shouldn't rely on my parents, I can rely on my mom a bit tho.

My brain just has been holding all these words in so it was nice to get them out. Some goals I have and actually wish to complete and what I want for myself is simple, I wanna transition, I wanna get mental help, I want money to go to a concert, and I wish to make friends. I've failed at having friends online, idk why it's hard but I want more real life friendships. Having both online friends and boyfriend at the same time sounds exhausting, I don't know how people do both but it's impressive.

I do get I'm in a trasnstional period so connections are harder. Sometimes I feel inhumane becuz of how hard it is for me to keep an online friendship, I do have online friends I grew up with, we don't talk much anymore but we follow each other, better than nothing, I would say It doesn't feel deep but knowing each other for years makes it feel opposite.

I think everything has been too much lately and tirredsome, having a boyfriend and spending time with him, thinking about my future, dysfunctional family, and birthday where I get older and overthink more. I started having suicidal thoughts again, I just don't wanna do anything and lie down, pass away and have peace.

Do nothing, self isolate, and ruin your life, so great, so fun. I wish I wasn't so mentally ill and not all that happy, I kept myself happy for two months or more but it's just going down again and my mind j like actually none of the positive things you mentioned matter.

I don't know why my mind is adverse to getting my life together, I wish I knew why and what it means, I had a similar thought in school, "I'd rather die than go to highschool" but now it's "I'd rather die than face life and try to live life".

I dislike how mature I am or how much I think, I feel like people my age don't really do that. I mean it's not something I should absolutely shame myself for, but I don't know.

I think that's the end of my rambling, I just hope I can make myself feel better soon and find at least one friend I feel close enough to talk about these things. To anyone who reads or responds, thanks for reading or responding as anything is appreciated <3

Happy birthday to me I guess 💖

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