I don't know if it will ever get better
The story
I don't know what it is but every year I get older, I start to just dislike life and get all depressed, like another year of nothing productive. It's not that I didn't do anything productive, just not really what I wanted or where I wanna be at rn.
I graduated, I've been studying, I've been driving, I have no idea what my future will really look like, I just assume trade or tech schools. Sometimes I wonder what I really want for myself. I'm gonna be 20 next year.
Apart of me doesn't really wanna live past 20, feel like I don't have much to live for or going for me. Being in the closet makes me feel horrible, it's probably why I sext alot and date online, I have a boyfriend rn even.
It's not like I grew up poor, my parents can afford whatever I need or wanna really do. Obviously I don't know how that'll go after finding out I'm queer, since they're anti. Even after driving, it feels like I'll be shit at it forever.
I was in such a positive mindset before this, but I've just been getting a bit worse through the days. I turned 19 and my life just feels bleak, it does seem my depression is back, my parents made the day before my birthday worse by arguing and just a dysfunctional family mess. Then I have a online boyfriend I overthink about or occupies my mind, thinking he could be cheating as it's online but he's all about commitment because he has a lot of trauma but at times, its hard and I just don't know if he is committed.
I noticed that me and my dad have similar mental struggles, shows up more aggressive for him because he doesn't know how to handle it or that it exists. My dad wanted me to go to school and then work instead of work and then go to school, but I don't know, that came out of nowhere and I need time to think about it, I feel like I shouldn't jump into school becuz my dad is scared I won't be anything, I still have life ahead of me and I've been homeschool for years, I need to take things one at a time, get used to people and drive. I hope I'm just making the right choices.
My mind gets all negative about future plans, even good ones, I could potentially go to technical school next year due to my parents. I think being queer makes it hard, I feel like I shouldn't rely on my parents, I can rely on my mom a bit tho.
My brain just has been holding all these words in so it was nice to get them out. Some goals I have and actually wish to complete and what I want for myself is simple, I wanna transition, I wanna get mental help, I want money to go to a concert, and I wish to make friends. I've failed at having friends online, idk why it's hard but I want more real life friendships. Having both online friends and boyfriend at the same time sounds exhausting, I don't know how people do both but it's impressive.
I do get I'm in a trasnstional period so connections are harder. Sometimes I feel inhumane becuz of how hard it is for me to keep an online friendship, I do have online friends I grew up with, we don't talk much anymore but we follow each other, better than nothing, I would say It doesn't feel deep but knowing each other for years makes it feel opposite.
I think everything has been too much lately and tirredsome, having a boyfriend and spending time with him, thinking about my future, dysfunctional family, and birthday where I get older and overthink more. I started having suicidal thoughts again, I just don't wanna do anything and lie down, pass away and have peace.
Do nothing, self isolate, and ruin your life, so great, so fun. I wish I wasn't so mentally ill and not all that happy, I kept myself happy for two months or more but it's just going down again and my mind j like actually none of the positive things you mentioned matter.
I don't know why my mind is adverse to getting my life together, I wish I knew why and what it means, I had a similar thought in school, "I'd rather die than go to highschool" but now it's "I'd rather die than face life and try to live life".
I dislike how mature I am or how much I think, I feel like people my age don't really do that. I mean it's not something I should absolutely shame myself for, but I don't know.
I think that's the end of my rambling, I just hope I can make myself feel better soon and find at least one friend I feel close enough to talk about these things. To anyone who reads or responds, thanks for reading or responding as anything is appreciated <3
Happy birthday to me I guess 💖
Stories in the same category
Points of view
hey, first off happy belated birthday 💖 even if you're not feeling it right now; turning older can be rough and it's like this weird expectation to have your life all sorted out by a certain age but that's just unrealistic. i know the pressure of figuring things out can feel overwhelming but you don’t have to rush into decisions. my friend once told me how they felt the same way when they were around your age, always dwelling on what was still ahead which made them miserable instead of focusing on smaller goals that were more within reach. they eventually took some time to figure their next steps at their own pace, not trying to meet other people's expectations. you've got plenty of time for self-discovery so don't be too hard on yourself!
honestly it sounds like ur just overthinking everything. everyone feels like they dont do enough sometimes, but you gotta keep pushing. maybe its not as bad as ur making it out to be? idk maybe try focus on the positive stuff.
'pushing ' doesn't work for everybody man lol
maybe you're being too hard on yourself?
Hey there, it sounds like you've been carrying a lot on your shoulders. I totally get feeling overwhelmed: life can feel like one big ball of stress sometimes! Turning 19 and reflecting on where you are vs. where you want to be is tough, especially with everything you're juggling. When I was around your age, I remember questioning my path too; it's normal to not have everything figured out just yet;
The thing about life is, it's unpredictable but also full of possibilities. You're already recognizing what you want for yourself (transtionning, getting mental help, making friends) and that's huge! It might not feel like it now, but every little step towards those goals is a step in the right direction!
I totally hear you on feeling like nothing productive happened over the year, even when you've actually done a lot; it's kinda like imposter syndrome but more life-related lol. It's crazy how much pressure we put on ourselves to have everything figured out by such a young age. Like, turning 19 doesn't mean you need your whole future planned out... nobody really has it all together at any age if we're being honest, right? As for your relationship with your parents and coming out, I know that's tough when their views clash with who you are. Just remember you're not alone in this, and things can always change with time 🙏 You've got some clear goals set up already which is awesome! Setting manageable steps toward them might help lighten the load on all
Growing up is tough, I get that. But finding what really makes you happy can take time and experimenting. Don't give up on searching for what truly resonates with you.
sounds like you're in a bit of a rough patch, but it’s totally valid to feel overwhelmed when so much is changing. maybe try breaking those big goals down; instead of worrying about what life will be like at 25, focus on small things that make today slightly better. you've got some aspirations like transitioning and getting mental support, which are really important steps towards feeling more comfortable in your own skin. speaking of transitioning, did you know there are online communities and resources specifically for people who are figuring out their identity? they might help you feel less alone; remember, it's okay to take one step at a time and explore different paths before committing to any; wishing you some peace in the midst of all this chaos 🌻
Overthinking much?
yo, i get the shitty feeling of not knowing where you're heading. being 19 and having all that mental weight seems like a lot; but dude, you don't have to have it all figured out yet. it's okay to feel lost and even suffocated by life's pressure sometimes. i remember when i was your age, drowning in uncertainty too... my parents pushing me towards paths that didn't quite fit. also, fitting your queerness into a life with anti-parents is rough. seriously though, transitioning should be about what's right for you. take small steps, focus on what makes you happy every day instead of trying to map it all out at once 'cause that's bloody impossible anyway.'
it's totally natural to feel confused about the future especially given your age. i remember feeling the same way when i was younger. like, if you're unsure about school or work maybe take some time to explore different paths? it's not always clear cut, and that's okay!
man, you're juggling a whole bunch of thoughts and feelings right now. it's tough trying to figure out who you are and what you want when there’s so much happening around you. maybe it’d help to just take a moment and breathe... sounds simple but sometimes just pausing can clear your head a bit. you've got some big life changes you’re contemplating, like transitioning and your education path (big shout out for even knowing what those options might look like). being in the closet is rough too; i can’t pretend to know exactly how that feels, but have seen folks find solace in online groups or spaces where they could be themselves safely. could something like that help, maybe? wishing you some peace in all this uncertainty.
calm down pls
Wow, it sounds like you're really in the thick of it right now. It's crazy how life can feel like a whirlwind at 19, huh? You've got so much swirling around in your head and heart, it's no wonder things feel heavy. Hang tight, though; remember that you don’t need to have everything sorted out immediately. I've been through similar struggles where everything seemed pointless, but one thing that helped me was focusing on what I could control day-to-day rather than the big picture that felt overwhelming. It's okay if you're still figuring things out, including your identity and future plans. You're allowed to take up space and time to discover what makes you truly happy; give yourself permission to rest when you need it!!
man, life is confusing at this age but also exciting cause there's so many options! maybe your parents' expectations are weighing on you more than they should? balancing what they want with what you want is tough but ultimately it's your life right? sometimes we gotta make choices that might disappoint them a bit but lead to our own happiness.
Hey, I think it's amazing you're putting your thoughts out there, like seriously, not everyone has the guts to just throw their emotions into words and try to process this mess we call life!
feelin' overwhelmed is common at our age. honestly, i went through something similar last year when i turned 20. felt like life wasn't going anywhere but then i stumbled into a hobby that sorta changed things up for me! maybe trying out new activities could help shift some perspective?
& if new activities don't help...?
I actually felt exactly like you do when I hit 20 too. Everything seemed unmanageable, and I felt like I'd accomplished nothing significant despite doing so much stuff day in and day out.
It's tough balancing personal expectations with reality and family dynamics, that's for sure. While I agree depression can make everything seem bleak, don't lose sight of those small goals either—they could anchor you while you're figuring other things out.
Why not talk it out?
dude, it's so relatable how turning 19 can feel like being in limbo. that whole thing about feeling mature but not really knowing where to steer all those thoughts is like, I've been there too. honestly tho, isn't it kinda cool you've identified some things you want to shoot for (like transitioning and getting mental help)? feels like an important first step! plus, reaching out and talking here shows strength even when you're feeling low... maybe tiny steps make anything feel a bit less colossal? sticking around to see if life has unexpected twists can be worth it sometimes...
...maybe try therapy?
You need real-life help now instead of posting here! Professional advice would probably benefit your situation better than venting online all the time.
When I was around your age, my cousin went through something startlingly similar. Odd bit was that even though he had everything planned out with tech school and supportive paths, he still felt stuck. Ironically, once he stumbled into an unexpected opportunity at a small local startup, everything changed and life wasn't as grim anymore. It feels like things are spiraling now but don't underestimate what sudden change can do for you even if it seems like you're not moving toward anything major right now.