i decided to pick up an old hobby i used to love! painting!! thought it might bring some joy back into my empty life ya know? because that's what they tell you: find happiness in the things you once cherished. but instead... nothing. not a damn thing. all those paintbrushes and canvases did was remind me of how broken i feel! like the pieces don't fit anymore and never will. it's like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with pieces from different boxes!!!

this wasn't always the case, mind you. there was a time when painting was my escape from reality 😊 reaching for the oils and creating something wonderful used to make time fly by! now it's just frustrating, staring at a blank canvas with zero inspiration. what a joke!!!!! who am i kidding thinking this would work!?? even my color palette seems wrong now, awkwardly mismatched and out of place.

i found that some tools were still intact: brushes, palettes, even some unfinished works. looking at them should have sparked some nostalgia, but what did i feel? absolutely nothing!!!!! just stared blankly for minutes at end until i finally gave up!! feeling more lost than before!!! is this normal? or am i just completely detached from everything that once made sense?

it's almost embarrassing admitting i've outgrown something so vital in my past ☹️.. maybe i'm not meant for hobbies? no passion for painting left in me at all... just emptiness echoing inside these four walls while everyone keeps telling me i'll find myself again someday.. what if there's no 'me' to find?! tired of waiting for an impossible epiphany.

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