I feel ridiculous.
The story
It's actually so stupid how low I've actually stooped to. Just very recently all of the school stress and fear of criticism from friends (plus their hurtful jokes) has made me reach a new low. I was really trying not to ever do this, but I did. I just one day decided to find that one box cutter in my pencil case and try it out on my arm. The reason I even did it was to actually take away attention from another wound I had in the moment. Though somehow I would've thought I'd feel bad, but i didn't. Instead I just felt weird and dazed. The plan was to just do it that once, yet it somehow turned into more. I let the ones on my arm heal, since they weren't even that deep, and I moved on to one of my thighs. At first it was just only a small spot, and somehow with little time in just a week, it grew to both of my upper thighs, even a try on the inside of my ankles. Though the wounds may not be deep, there's many new with each day, that sting in a way that feels unfamiliar yet familiar. It's hard to stop doing it now. Even more with upcoming important stuff like exams, events and applying for schools, which all stress me out so much. I mean I'm 15, and I feel like such a loser for doing this as a way to get some sort of relief. It feels like I don't even qualify to do this, since I have a pretty normal life, except for a father, who is absent most times for work. It feels as if I'm mocking others who do it, even if I might not be, especially with one of my friends having done this sort of stuff for so long with family problems and all. It doesn't help that I feel more guilty when thinking of this friend actually having struggles and like almost a reason to do it, though that feels rude and offensive to say.
I feel so stupid for this to the point I had to get this out to somewhere. Even worse is that the trunks I was planning on using on top of my swimsuit for summer, are in fact, too short to cover the evidence up well. I dread the day I have to get exposed to this friend or anyone close to me. I should now probably go and prepare more for my math exam then.
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Points of view
It's understandable you're feeling overwhelmed and turning to self-harm as a coping mechanism, but exploring healthier stress relievers can be beneficial too; seeking support from trusted friends, teachers, or mental health professionals might help you find better ways to manage the stress and anxiety.
Hey there, I get that you're feeling overwhelmed and pressured from all sides. But hurting yourself isn't a solution—it's just masking the problem temporarily. It's worth looking into why you think this is your only option, even with what seems like a "normal" life on the surface. There are different ways to release stress without harming yourself, like finding new hobbies or talking to someone who can understand your situation better. You're not weak for feeling this way; it's just about redirecting those feelings into something healthier.
It’s concerning how you're feeling trapped in this cycle of self-harm, yet recognizing your struggle is a crucial first step toward healing; exploring mindfulness techniques or creative outlets might offer healthier ways to process stress and emotions 🌟.