I feel totally devalued

I'm tired of the office. How is it possible that they have access to the cell phone of the girl I like, and I don't? How is it possible that I, who always helped her, get all the benefits that I don't? Benefits that I so richly deserve... The most unpleasant thing is finding out how everyone, in the middle of an emergency, can do as they please, go to her whenever they want, and even receive congratulations—a total hypocrite, despicable, and even humiliating, for God's sake. Recently, the girl's family member's death was announced in the WhatsApp group chat, and all the authorities called her, and everyone was concerned. After finding out that everyone could contact her, but I couldn't, I have absolutely no desire to wish her well or peace of mind. This whole time, I've felt completely ignored. Everyone is fine with her, but I can't. Everyone is fine with her, but I, even though I was the one who acted in good faith with her at the beginning. The worst part is that I complained once about a similar health issue, and all she did was put on a brave face to pretend she wasn't ignoring me, just like she did with that other situation she posted in the group, by the way. I'm fed up with trying to understand her; I don't want to keep justifying her. In the middle of all this, I'm the one paying the price. She receives everyone's affection, everyone else receives her affection, while I'm barely there with her, half-heartedly, without any recognition, keeping my mouth shut because people don't understand my situation, and on top of that, I've been cut off from my work group, to the point where I don't really have a work group anymore, just a fictitious one, the one created by the bureaucracy. My boss is also being persecuted at every turn. I'm completely alone in this, even though people are supporting me. In these circumstances, no one will do anything about it; I'm totally helpless, on the lookout, all because I let myself be led astray by this girl, chasing after miserable crumbs of bread—though, I must admit, they are quite prominent.

It hasn't been easy for me to act like nothing's wrong, I admit it, to always act as if nothing ever happened between us, as if nothing hurts. It's painful that I have to resort to online platforms to express what I feel. I haven't had any facial expressions in a long time, just vague, almost imperceptible ones. I'm honest, I abide by the law and the rules, but I don't possess any kind of impulsiveness; I feel completely numb. I have relationships that make me feel like I'm not involved in anything because that's precisely my place within them, and I have to let myself be carried along, always mindful of their circumstances while remaining completely open to whatever comes, regardless of what I'm going through. Of course, I follow the same dynamic I experienced with my parents, with the safeguard that I have time to think, to reaffirm myself, and to act within limitations and move around them. Ultimately, at least in these relationships, this unwritten rule is followed no matter what, without exception. This contrasts with other relationships where things aren't like that, where I occupy a place in their lives so deeply that they even consider me an object. I prefer to distance myself from those because they offer me a freedom that, according to them, is inherent. In these other relationships, the freedom of being in the middle of nowhere is precisely what allows me to build myself up in the world, to construct my freedom with discernment.

I can't tell anyone about any of this. I have to go through this alone, completely alone, at my own mercy, with no one else around. Not even my father can be there for me, and I don't trust the psychologists in my town to help me either. They talk about how they'll help me, but it's just a promise they don't even know they'll keep. In fact, the times I've asked for help, I've felt completely trapped, even though I'm in a highly sensitive state. I don't want to know anything more about these relationships, about being in nothing. I can't. It overwhelms me, it's exhausting, I feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't believe they're living off my lack of brutal reaction, even though I haven't made the biggest scenes. I mean, I can't believe I've lived with these relationships all this time pretending nothing affected me when it does. It does affect me. I can't believe I've lived with it all because I couldn't express what I felt to anyone. However, I don't think anyone will notice, not even in the office, because everyone expects me to remain calm and composed. That's my persona, and it always translates into a kind of omnipotence in the face of adversity. Of course, I don't want their support in any way, because all they'll do is control me through manipulation. That's how the psychologists in my town operate, and I'm fed up with it.

I'd be capable of breaking a thousand things, but I can't. It's a disgrace to work in the office with someone I hate.

Something else happened. After how this girl in the office treated me, the bosses came to her aid in the emergency. No one helped me, while I was suffocating under the circumstances, absolutely no one. I had to deal with the girl and my work group, all at the same time and at the expense of everyone else's limitations, all in the name of keeping things under control. No one did anything, and even my department head opposed the situation, as did the girl. Everyone opposed my well-being because, according to them, I could handle it, based on the idea that being alone would cause this problem. I needed as much respite as possible, which is why I chose the girl and her office group, who gave me some breathing room, over my boss, who always kept me cornered. I needed air in my workspace and comfort in my dealings with her, in terms of how she acted as a faithful representative to the outside world.

I'm not going to confide my feelings to them or anyone else, because in my community, it's seen as an object to be manipulated based on frameworks that aren't one's own, frameworks they consider universal, but which aren't. This is all done to tolerate the guidance, to be channeled, because everything is based on how they see me and according to their perspective, without taking me into account. I'm fed up with going over the situation again and again, but I have to admit that it allows me to have a holistic view of everything that has happened and the present, and that's the idea: the more discernment, the better, especially when it comes to these relationships where you're not really involved in anything. These relationships aren't common, at least not in popular understanding, although from my research, it seems they are quite common, but that's not something that comes up in everyday language. I would like to have genuine relationships where I can be involved somewhere and at the same time have that sense of freedom; However, these relationships are completely inconsequential, stagnant, driven by fear of conflict, only dwelling on the same old things.

I don't have relationships where I can share my life and my thoughts, like these websites do, but I recognize that the advantage of websites is that they allow for personal development, within certain rules, of course. I don't feel comfortable even mentioning that I had a sexual encounter with my sister, where I initiated things, thanks to movies my parents showed where sex scenes were readily available. But it turns out that's common; Children often engage in imitation and sexual exploration, out of innocence. Of course, at the time, it was a big deal for me because my mother took it as if I were an adult with my sister, with principles and all, when I was just a child, for God's sake. I'm glad I was able to say it; I really needed to, and I pray she doesn't kick me out for it, because that's not the point. I didn't intend to commit incest, even though it didn't happen, as my parents assumed. My parents assumed I was a monster, based on prejudice and nothing more.

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