Why am I on the "top" page 🥲 that's cringe. But whatever. Anyways, I've been doing better, usually I get all lonely and existential, especially at night but after many videos, I found something that works. I could be afraid that l that I would end up just as lonely and existential tomorrow but I don't think so, I know myself and I know that if I did then I would already say it on the day of that I "healed".

Don't have any friends yet 🧍idk about a boyfriend or even hookups, idk why but they sound not as appealing as they used to be, maybe it's me being trans and my body, this is TMI but I always would sometimes get nauseous just thinking about my "parts" being used, I would be fine sometimes, idk what's going on there, whether I should get surgery or not.

I probably would've gotten better mentally more faster if I had professional help but I don't even know where to start with that, which is fine, It's something I'm slowly making my way towards. I go back to school next year and maybe even a job, there's this ex-friend that works at a fast food place, my mom keeps talking to her about me working there and then when we go there, the girl is asking.

I trusted my parents this year and thought I would get a job this year but it didn't happen. Now that it's almost ending, idk how to feel, like I figured out a lot to where I really only have one problem which is just social stuff and social anxiety. I would go into despair, like "what if I end up like those 35 year olds that are depressed and lonely and hate life" Tho, I don't wanna end up with the negative mindset of just hating life and like worries. I literally do everything I can to not mentally become that, obviously when I'm doing happier and better in general then it's easier to reach towards a goal. I feel like the worst time to make a friend is when you're desperate and lonely in chrisis. Those things take time and in those desperate times, you want quickness.

I just think about those old people with colorful hair and dressed well in the way they want to, and I just hope its me one day. Hopefully I still love nana and then when I die, hopefully my energy is still in love with nana.

Byee! Thxs for reading <3 🩷🖤

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