I am so fucking done living in this body that is tearing itself apart but refuses to die. Most of the time its manageable. Enough to make me believe that maybe im capable of what ive always dreamed. But one bad day. One missed dose. And im reminded of how horribly my body wishes to be rid of me.

It starts at my core spreading like a fungus. Spreading through every part of me and refusing to do the very thing its designed to do. To keep every part alive. To keep me alive. And it just fucking wont. It chips away from the inside. Trying to chip my soul away from my body. Digging my ribs away from the muscle. Feeling like pieces are snapping and stabbing in ways I'll never be able to fix. The blackness, the whiteness, the stars that overtake me if i dare to raise my head. Im fighting with myself to control any part of my body. My arms often being the last thing standing. My legs gave way long ago and my torso was never there to begin with.

I am pulling myself up with every ounce of strength i have  to be back on the ground but not even here am i safe. Everything moves. All of existence moves and spins in a dance that i cannot appreciate. I spin and tilt in a cruel carnival no matter if my eyes are open or shut.

Then for a moment I see with clarity. As if im faking it. Yeah im faking it. Its all in my head theres nothing wrong with me. My vision steady and everything normal. But i know the truth. Im not faking it. I wish that i were. Because people's bodies dont crush in on themselves for a little attention. And I dont what's worse. The problem itself or the little moments of calm in the middle that remind me of what could be. Because just as suddenly as the moment is there. Its gone.

Laying on the floor i know where i am because if i stand up i wont know. I wont know who or what i am. Because no matter how hard i try im forced to the ground in one way or another. By choice or by force.

It might ignorable. I could pretend i really chose to ɓe low as possible. If it werent for the sounds. They never stop. Every hum of electricity, trickle of a tap, the brush of a hand on something. Its amplified. I cant stand it. Every sound this existence offers becomes a cacaphony i cant drown out. It builds and builds while im screaming inside. I try but theres no escape. Not really.

Just to press salt in the wound my body has created in my soul, it adds nausea to the mix. Because what fucking sadistic asshole wouldnt. Wracking my insides. Rarely actually puking. But a dry heaving for hours. Unyielding. My stomach is forced into my lungs if i dont use every fiber of my being to control it.

I wish that any part could be the end of it. But no, my body says. Not allowed to die.

Im dying but not allowed to die.

Its not as if I havent tried before. Or that it hasnt tried before. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. A bathtub, a mask, a gun, a heart attack.... Im not afraid of death. Ive stared into its eyes too many times to be afraid of it. But i am terrified of living. Living just two steps away of my body trying to forcibly split from my soul.

I wonder if all the joy ive felt before is worth it. If I can really build a future continuing to live like this? Will i bring children into this world and if I do how selfish would it be knowing that i may have given them a curse like me? Can I truly keep them safe if just like me their bodies are dying from the inside out? And I wonder selfishly if i'll ever be able to have kids at all. Because thats what i worry about of all things. If my body will ever be capable of doing the one thing i have ever truly wanted more than anything.

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