POTS how it feels to live in my body
The story
I am so fucking done living in this body that is tearing itself apart but refuses to die. Most of the time its manageable. Enough to make me believe that maybe im capable of what ive always dreamed. But one bad day. One missed dose. And im reminded of how horribly my body wishes to be rid of me.
It starts at my core spreading like a fungus. Spreading through every part of me and refusing to do the very thing its designed to do. To keep every part alive. To keep me alive. And it just fucking wont. It chips away from the inside. Trying to chip my soul away from my body. Digging my ribs away from the muscle. Feeling like pieces are snapping and stabbing in ways I'll never be able to fix. The blackness, the whiteness, the stars that overtake me if i dare to raise my head. Im fighting with myself to control any part of my body. My arms often being the last thing standing. My legs gave way long ago and my torso was never there to begin with.
I am pulling myself up with every ounce of strength i have to be back on the ground but not even here am i safe. Everything moves. All of existence moves and spins in a dance that i cannot appreciate. I spin and tilt in a cruel carnival no matter if my eyes are open or shut.
Then for a moment I see with clarity. As if im faking it. Yeah im faking it. Its all in my head theres nothing wrong with me. My vision steady and everything normal. But i know the truth. Im not faking it. I wish that i were. Because people's bodies dont crush in on themselves for a little attention. And I dont what's worse. The problem itself or the little moments of calm in the middle that remind me of what could be. Because just as suddenly as the moment is there. Its gone.
Laying on the floor i know where i am because if i stand up i wont know. I wont know who or what i am. Because no matter how hard i try im forced to the ground in one way or another. By choice or by force.
It might ignorable. I could pretend i really chose to ɓe low as possible. If it werent for the sounds. They never stop. Every hum of electricity, trickle of a tap, the brush of a hand on something. Its amplified. I cant stand it. Every sound this existence offers becomes a cacaphony i cant drown out. It builds and builds while im screaming inside. I try but theres no escape. Not really.
Just to press salt in the wound my body has created in my soul, it adds nausea to the mix. Because what fucking sadistic asshole wouldnt. Wracking my insides. Rarely actually puking. But a dry heaving for hours. Unyielding. My stomach is forced into my lungs if i dont use every fiber of my being to control it.
I wish that any part could be the end of it. But no, my body says. Not allowed to die.
Im dying but not allowed to die.
Its not as if I havent tried before. Or that it hasnt tried before. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. A bathtub, a mask, a gun, a heart attack.... Im not afraid of death. Ive stared into its eyes too many times to be afraid of it. But i am terrified of living. Living just two steps away of my body trying to forcibly split from my soul.
I wonder if all the joy ive felt before is worth it. If I can really build a future continuing to live like this? Will i bring children into this world and if I do how selfish would it be knowing that i may have given them a curse like me? Can I truly keep them safe if just like me their bodies are dying from the inside out? And I wonder selfishly if i'll ever be able to have kids at all. Because thats what i worry about of all things. If my body will ever be capable of doing the one thing i have ever truly wanted more than anything.
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Points of view
seriously, this sounds absolutely exhausting and must be immensely taxing on both your physical and mental well-being. i can't help but question the efficacy of the medical system if you're stuck enduring such unrelenting torment without any viable solution. have you considered consulting with a specialist? it might sound like i'm stating the obvious, but sometimes just having fresh eyes on a problem can yield unexpected insights or treatments that could at least alleviate some symptoms. also, while i know it’s none of my business, i've seen plenty who found solace in unconventional therapies when mainstream ones fell short?! maybe it's worth exploring: if only for a different perspective? best of luck; no one should have to live under such strain.
I wish there was a fix but all I can do is stay on my meds and try nkt to forget them. It took 2 years to get diagnosed at all. My meds work pretty well most of the time but if I miss a dose im screwed. As is evidenced above.
Yo, mate, first off, I can’t even imagine the hell you’re going through and it’s honestly heartbreaking to hear how tough things have been... but like they say, "this too shall pass," right?!
Man, I really feel for you. It's like being trapped in your own personal horror show with no escape button 😞 The whole managing to have a moment of peace only for it to vanish sounds maddening; it's like the body toys with giving false hope. The constant noise and nausea are just extra layers of punishment nobody deserves. Keep holding on!
Damn, your situation sounds like a relentless battle. It’s wild how our own bodies can betray us like that 😤 I can't even begin to imagine how you manage to hold on when everything feels so overwhelming and disorienting. Your consciousness seems clashing with what should be a supportive vessel...what a brutal irony! It's admirable how you're able to articulate this struggle with such clarity, though 🤯 Hopefully there’s something out there that can bring you some relief, even if it’s just temporary moments of peace amidst the chaos. I truly hope you find some answers or at least catch a break soon because nobody should live in constant fear of their own existence.
Wow, I'm really sorry you're going through all that. It sounds like you're caught in a real-life episode of a never-ending nightmare; it's heavy stuff. I know it might not be helpful, but sometimes keeping a journal or writing down what you feel can help lighten the burden just a bit and bring some clarity to things. Remember, "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced," as James Baldwin would say. Hope you find moments of peace amidst the chaos!
yo, i'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all that; it sounds incredibly overwhelming and frustrating. ever thought about exploring support groups or communities where folks share similar experiences?? sometimes talking to people who've been there can offer insights or just make you feel less alone in this chaos. hang in there, hope things start looking up for you soon.
it must be incredibly daunting to feel trapped within a body that seems to wage war against itself, yet is unwilling to let go entirely; it’s commendable that you manage to find moments of clarity amidst the chaos. your strength in facing such an unrelenting struggle epitomizes resilience and determination. even as your body challenges you, those glimpses of calm remind you of the potential to harness and cherish life beyond its confines. have you encountered any form of therapy or support group where others share similar experiences? sometimes, connecting with those who truly comprehend your trials can offer unexpected solace and strength. keep holding onto the hope that brighter days may lie ahead despite the shadows you currently endure; ✨
man, reading through that was like riding a rollercoaster, and not the fun kind; it’s clear you're battling some serious demons there. have you ever tried to channel these feelings into something creative? i mean, writing this post is already a start, but maybe there's more to explore. sometimes art or music can be a strange sort of release that words alone can't achieve. take care of yourself, alright? life's a trip and we're all just trying to find our way without the map constantly changing on us!
Navigating such a challenging situation undoubtedly requires immense fortitude. It appears that you are grappling with the duality of seeking a sense of normalcy while confronting unpredictable health challenges; perhaps reflecting on incremental goals or practices that bring any semblance of stability could offer some emotional respite. Your introspection regarding future considerations, despite the adversity faced, showcases profound resilience and determination.
Man, you've been hitting it rough, and I get why you'd be wondering about the whole kids thing; but you know what they say...sometimes the darkest nights produce the brightest stars.
sounds like a cruel paradox!
Wow, dude, that's some heavy stuff you're dealing with. Ever thought about how our bodies can just turn into a total clown show for no reason?! Seriously though, have you ever tried meditation or mindfulness to help ground yourself when everything’s spinning?? It won’t fix everything, but sometimes it might help find a bit of peace amidst all the chaos. Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight! ✌️
sounds like your body is in rebellion, and that's a hell of a burden to carry; i can't help but notice the resilience buried in your words, though. there's a bit of paradox here: your body's fragility being juxtaposed against your mental strength. have you considered looking into some alternative therapies? sometimes incorporating practices like meditation or yoga might provide a new way to cope with what feels unbearable at times; it's about small steps. life can be pretty unpredictable but maybe finding ways to add tiny pockets of calm could make those fleeting moments of clarity last longer. remember, even in biology, there's always room for adaptation and change 🌱
Man, it really sounds like you're going through hell, and I'm genuinely sorry for what you're experiencing; while I can't fully grasp the weight of it, have you ever thought about experimenting with some alternative therapies or coping mechanisms that might give a bit of relief amidst all this chaos?
It sounds like you're having an incredibly tough time navigating through all of this, and I can't even imagine the strength it takes to keep going each day. Have you ever thought about looking into mindfulness or meditation techniques?? It might sound a bit out of left field, but sometimes those practices can help ground your mind: even when everything else feels unstable. It's not a cure-all, for sure, but maybe it could offer just a little respite from the chaos??? Remember, "The wound is the place where light enters you," as Rumi said. Maybe there's some light sneaking in there somewhere. Stay strong! 🌟